This Is It
by LivingLow
Summary: Shepard has always been cold and ruthless. And that was fine. But when he gets his newest assignment aboard the Normandy, the ties he forges with his crew force him to question his morality, personal philosophies, and sense of self.
1. Chapter 1: Zero Point

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note:

Hey all. This is my first attempt at a fanfic and basically it takes a Shepard who's cold and ruthless and morally questionable and molds him slowly into a character that's more opened and engaged in his relationships with his crew. ME1 starts at the chapter entitled Nightmare and ME2...not quite there yet. So read on!

This Is It

_Terminus Systems, 2183_

_So this is how it ends_, Shepard thought to himself.

The Normandy convulsed again; whether it was the alien ship landing another successful blow or the explosions rocking the Normandy seemingly from all sides Shepard didn't know. He watched as his hand, outstretched in front of him, was shaken free of any hold on the entrance to the escape pod.

The blast wave threw him against the interior hull. _I guess taking down the Reapers was someone else's fate. _Shepard's back screamed with pain and his vision flickered between the blinding explosions all around him and a dim, heavy void.

His eyes scanned the room before him. Everywhere the Normandy was consumed in flame or reduced to debris. There was nothing he could do to save himself, nothing to grab onto, no small miracle to be had. Accepting his fate, Shepard began to draw a deep breath and give in to the…_Ahh, just one more thing. _He opened his eyes – a deep, amaranthine blue - and looked over to Joker. Over the sound of the Normandy being torn limb from limb and over the sound of his own slow breathing he could hear Joker screaming "Shepard, no!" But it was too late. Shepard twisted around and reached out for the control panel, sealing the doors and launching the small pod out into the Attican Traverse.

_Earth, 2166_

As far as Shepard knew, joining the Tenth Street Reds was his zero point. Before that, he didn't exist. Tired of being tossed between orphanages, of packing what few items – necessities really, no sentimental bullshit – into a single garbage bag and carrying them between institutions, and of being looked at by prospective families only to hear them whisper that something about him was a little _off_….a little _empty_, he left.

For a long time he lived hand to mouth. He wandered the foul underbellies of Earth's great cities. Above him, in their Asari inspired towers, crisp air, and extravagant lifestyles lived the rich. Beneath them lived the middle classes; they were those without luck. Beneath them lived the poor; they were those without money. And beneath them, beneath miles of scaffolding, support beams, and the decrepit apartments that once housed the rich before they decided they had to be even higher to taunt the heavens, were the rats; they were those without hope.

He did the odd job here and there: fix this pipe, do that cleaning, deliver this package (but don't ask, and more importantly don't look). In return he received an old couple's table scraps, a pubs spoiled stocks, a bakery's old bread crusts. The older he got the more regulars he had. Eventually he, then a lanky teen of almost six feet, was moving hot merchandise, shaking down shopkeepers who had missed a payment, and breaking the fingers of those who had missed two.

And he accepted it. He, who had lived so long only because he knew nothing else, had found purpose.

Did he ever feel regret? Why should he when he had never been taught it? If anything, life below had taught him that regret got you killed or worse. Life above had taught him that everything around him – the unrelenting human filth – was a blight on society better 'disappeared' than let live. He was, he concluded, doing humanity a favor.

Such favors the Tenth Street Reds were more than willing to oblige.

The Reds, in fact, had come into existence very much because of Shepard. He was naturally inclined to operate alone, eventually only accepting jobs through the Broker, the master of all places in the City too low to the ground for natural light to penetrate. Yet others always seemed to gravitate towards him. His physical presence was commanding: years of navigating the steely guts of the City made him both incredibly agile and well-built. His every movement was confident, deliberate, and precise. His voice, only ever heard when delivering curt responses and blunt commands, seemed to surround you. His eyes...were terrifying. They were cold and empty. Not the eyes of a killer – such eyes are drained of light by the murderous atrocities they commit upon their fellow man – but the eyes of a man whose soul had never known light nor warmth.

Thus Shepard became the Reds' uncontested leader. The Reds' were rats of all types: those who were born in the City's underbelly and those who had fallen there, those who were educated and those who were not, those who feared Shepard and those who respected him. But there was one thing every Red could agree on: no matter what the task, Shepard could get it done.

Author's Note:

For anyone who made it down here, thanks for reading! Suggestions, criticisms, praise….I welcome them all. If anyone actually ends up wanting to read another chapter I can tell you this much: I have a pretty good idea of where I want to go for a good ten chapters or so. Mostly I plan to explore Shep's character through his decisions in ME1 but I don't want to novelize ME1. My ultimate goal is to get into ME2, use his rebirth to challenge his existing accepted notions, and from there I'm not sure yet. I plan to update relatively frequently but I do have an upcoming midterm and paper due for next week so I guess we'll see.

Edit: 11/1/11

Just want to throw a few things out there now that I've posted a few more chapters. These chapters do get longer, there is more dialogue and tracing the inner thought process of Shep, action scenes can get pretty sweet, and though this is a Shep/Miri fic there is Tali and Ash interaction that I think fans of all pairings can appreciate. Yup, so that's it. R&R.


	2. Chapter 2: Hunt

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note:

Finished up the second chapter! A lot more dialogue this time around, too.

This Is It

_Terminus Systems, 2183_

Shepard closed his eyes once more. He heard the light ping of the console registering his command and the hiss of the escape pod doors snapping shut. No doubt Joker was still calling his name and cradling his arm, surely broken after the way the Commander had hauled him through the CIC. Shepard let his body float limp inside the charred, skeletal remains of the Normandy and for a long moment knew nothing but his own slow breathing.

But the moment didn't last. The explosions, which to him in that moment had been nothing more than muffled echoes, invisible currents swaying him back and forth, and waves of warm air he felt like the sun on his skin despite his heavy N7 armor, finally caught up with him. In one fateful blast Shepard felt his body being ripped from the Normandy and rocketed through space. _Never can let a man catch a break can you?_

_Earth, 2171_

Tonight, Shepard had chosen to head uptown, skirting the edges of the Reds' territory. _After all, _he thought, _you don't shit where you eat. _He was wearing a dark wool jacket that extended to his mid-thigh, a dark blue dress shirt, black pants, and classically styled black leather dress shoes. The jacket and shoes had been a result of a raid some of his guys had pulled in the upper apartments a few days back. _Not a bad haul_.

He walked his slow, long strides through the scaffolding. It was late in the night and between the time of day and his own dark apparel Shepard could hardly be seen more than a ripple in water. Behind him walked three of the Reds, carefully dressed down so as not to seem to question the Reds' rigid hierarchy.

"Should be a settlement once we get to the south end of the factory district boss." One of the three Reds who had been trailing behind Shepard had jogged up beside him to give him the update.

"How far?" Shepard asked, never averting his gaze from the thick, velvet blackness before him.

"Real close. Shouldn't be more than – "

"Got a live one boss!" The other two Reds had gleefully skipped over to where a dirtied tarp hung from the scaffolding.

"What the hell are you two on about?" shouted the Red by Shepard's side.

"I'm telling you it moved!" one of them shouted, motioning towards the tarp.

"Why don't you stop telling me and fucking show me already then?" The Red starting walking from Shepard's side over to where the other two waited, grinning and trembling with a childish excitement. Shepard turned around and watched the three of them, waiting.

Sure enough, the Reds pulled back the tarp to show a gaunt old man, dirty and dressed in tattered clothing that reeked of human waste, trembling in the small alcove behind it, his knees to his chest.

"Fuuuuck, this geezer fucking stinks!"

"They all do," Shepard said flatly. He strode over to the small alcove. Handing his jacket over to one of the Reds, he squatted down before the old man.

"The settlement over in the factory district." Shepard paused briefly, waiting for the old man's eyes to meet his own. "You know it?"

"Y-yes." The man's body began shaking violently under Shepard's gaze.

"That's good." Shepard was silent again. His body, hardly fatigued from squatting before the man, seemed perfectly still.

"I'm sorry s-sir, I don't know what it is you –"

"How many?"

"Huh?"

"How many in the settlement?"

"I-I couldn't say. I haven't been there in-in months."

"Give me an educated guess."

"I really d-don't know." Shepard sighed and stood up. He turned away from the man and started walking towards the Reds who had waited patiently behind him. As he walked past one, he nodded once and began rolling up his sleeves. The Red smiled and rushed forward. He picked up the old man – unsurprisingly light – and sent two hard jabs with the meat of his arm straight into his solar plexus. He let go of the man's collar and watched as he collapsed, heaving, to the floor.

Shepard squatted down before the man again. His head cocked to the side, resting on his palm, his arm on his knee he asked, "You sure about that?"

The old man moved his mouth but no words came out.

"You know," Shepard started, "my guys here, they're good guys. But they're shit when it comes to scoping out these places. Me, I like knowing what I'm getting into. So how about this: you tell me how many there are in the settlement and we let you go."

"There's….a little under two dozen."

"Kids?"

"None that I know of."

"See? Easy." Shepard stood up and rolled his shoulders. "One more thing: do you know who I am?"

"Y-yes." The man's body stiffened.

Shepard let out a small laugh. "So you're familiar with my work then."

"Yes."

"Do you ever wonder why?"

"I…" The truth was the man did wonder why. But he was afraid to ask. He knew that his chances of leaving the confrontation alive were already slim – no reason to tempt an already tortuous fate.

"I can see you do," Shepard paused a moment before continuing, "Tell me, what was your life like before this?"

"I-I worked selling life insurance."

"Yea? How much did you make?"

"About $33,000 a year."

"Paid your taxes?"

"Yes."

"Had a family?"

"….yes."

"What happened?"

"Our daughter died. We divorced."

"Sad. And you just decided to stop working?"

"No! Not that….I just….I couldn't! I couldn't work anymore after that and nobody could understand!"

"You were fired?"

"Yes."

"And now how do you manage?"

"I-I collect disability benefits every last Friday of the month."

"There it is!" shouted one of the Reds behind Shepard. Shepard looked back at him coldly. He finally turned around again to face the old man and asked:

"So why do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Keep living."

"What?"

"Why do you do keep living? What is there left for you? You're only a burden on society; they certainly don't need you. So why? What are you worth, really?"

"I don't….It's my right!"

"No, the reason you keep living because you're selfish and a coward. See the Reds and I, we believe we have a civic duty of sorts. To take out the trash, let's say, because the trash won't take out itself. And down here there is no law to stop us. And even if there were….do you really think they'd want to save you? There's a reason everyone knows who I am and what I do yet no one stops it. It's because deep down everyone believes in what we do. They're probably relieved that someone's willing to get their hands dirty even."

Shepard stood up, turned around, and motioned to one of the Reds. One of them brought him something – metal, the old man could tell by the sound of it scraping against the asphalt. But it was too dark. He couldn't tell what Shepard held in his hands.

"So now you know." Shepard said, still facing away from the old man.

"Know what?"

"Why I'm going to kill you." Before the old man fully registered what had just been said, Shepard quickly turned on his heel and brought a metal bat down hard on the man's temple. He crumpled to the ground, dead, his eyes still frozen wide with horror. The blow had left a small cut that was bleeding onto the ground, and a large bruise was beginning to form on the left side of his head.

"That felt good. I think I'll stick with this for tonight," Shepard said, catching the bat in his hands.

"Can't wait to take down two dozen of these parasites," said one of the Reds.

"I can't wait til we finish this up so I can get home," said another.

"Hot date?"

"You bet." 

Author's Note:

Originally, I had planned for this chapter to be about how Shep got into the Alliance. But then it just kind of took another direction, which I think is OK since it developed what Shep was like back on Earth. Next chapter should be about joining the Alliance for sure though. As always, reviews are more than welcome! I haven't had any yet but I do notice some people have favorited this and such (which I was also extremely psyched about!). Anyways, I think I'll be typing up the next chapter late tonight/early tomorrow morning. So look forward to it!


	3. Chapter 3: Leader

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note: Ended up scrapping the first version of this chapter and drafting something 75% new. Alas looks like Shepard's recruitment has been delayed another chapter.

This Is It

_Terminus Systems, 2183_

As Shepard was pitched from the Normandy, he looked back to see the alien ship turning toward the Alliance frigate once again. He heard the cruiser ready the attack – the high pitched metallic screaming was unmistakable – just before three successive bright yellow beams shot out and hit the Normandy: one in the bridge, one in the aft, and one right through the center where _Normandy_ was emblazoned on the frigate's sides.

The ensuing explosion was remarkable.

Shepard could only watch as the Normandy, the most advanced frigate in the galaxy, unparalleled in speed and maneuverability, the vanguard in the attack against Sovereign, was consumed in flame and reduced to scrap metal.

Shepard was prepared for what he thought was inevitable. Slowly but surely he would consume what remaining O2 stores his suit held. At 10% oxygen he would begin hyperventilating, his lips would turn blue, his judgment would be impaired. At 8% his body would have consumed all the oxygen in his blood; dizziness, fainting, and unconsciousness were likely to occur abruptly. Within 8 minutes of passing out he would be dead. Simple. Relatively painless. Now it was just a matter of how long he had until his reserves got down to 10%. _Two hours is the Alliance standard, _he thought to himself, _two hours and this will all be over_.

The explosion that finished the Normandy had finally died down and there was nothing but silence. At least there was supposed to be nothing but silence. Instead, Shepard heard a hissing from the back of his N7 helmet that was growing louder by the second. Reaching back behind his head he could feel the oxygen escaping from his suit.

_Fuck._

_Earth, 2171_

"Shepard. We have her."

Shepard sat in the back of the small pub, face half cloaked in shadow, dangling a shot glass from his right hand while his left arm remained perched along the back of his corner booth. Though he sat, right ankle balanced lazily on his left knee, almost perfectly still, his black cotton tee still clung to his skin due to his light sweat. Between the half dozen or so warm bodies around him, the smoke that hung like a fog in the small pub, and the fact that the pub was located in the underbelly of the city where pipes built more than half a century ago still crisscrossed buildings, heating water, and giving off steam, it was impossible not to be sweating.

He motioned with his free hand for the girl to be brought forward. Shepard watched as the door to the pub opened, tainting its heavy silence with the sounds of the City, and a young woman was escorted across the pub's threshold, a Red on either side of her with their hands clamped firmly around her upper arm. The woman walked with her back straight and looked directly at Shepard. Her eyes were feral; her pupils looked up at Shepard the same way a cornered animal might. The look was one not unfamiliar to Shepard; it spelled rebellion and an unwillingness to cooperate – in other words, trouble.

"Let her go. " The two Reds holding her took a step back. A third, the one who had initially addressed Shepard and who Shepard recognized as the man he had installed as the head of District Seven a few months back, dismissed them but kept a cautious eye on the woman.

Shepard looked straight at the woman before nodding his head towards the seat opposite him in the booth. _Sit._ She did. Not, Shepard thought, because of his silent suggestion but because she was currently located in the heart of Tenth Street Reds territory. Before her sat the undisputed leader of the gang, behind her a District Head, and to her right three more Reds whose proximity to Shepard suggested some degree of power within the organization. Outside the pub lived the oldest of the gang's members and every family within five miles was a guaranteed Reds sympathizer.

"You…have caused trouble for me," Shepard started. The woman continued her unrelenting glare at him. "Sabotaging weapons shipments, stealing medical supplies, trying to get the police from the Upper Tiers involved….Aside from the fact there's obviously leaks within the Reds," Shepard looked over at Seven who quickly registered his newest assignment, "you've managed to create quite a disruption in my operations."

Shepard leaned forward to place his still full drink on the table. When he leaned back again he laced his fingers together and let his hands rest in his lap.

"Would you care to tell me why?" Shepard spoke politely but there was no mistaking the steel in his voice.

"Not everyone believes in what the Tenth Street Reds stand for."

"No? We police these streets. Rapists, thieves, murderers…they've all perished by our hand. Crime is virtually nonexistent within Reds territory. We give the people here incentive to work and we protect them from the corrupt policies of the government."

"You forget that it's _you_ who are the murderers. And how could you when you practically advertise the fact? The homeless 'disappear' from your streets and men and women barely hanging on to life always seem to pass away within a day of your men discovering them. Don't pretend that enforcing your twisted ideologies makes you a paragon of the people."

"Twisted?"

"Inhumane."

"So I lack humanity?" Shepard leaned forward once more, his elbows on his knees.

"How could you not? You kill in cold blood, for no other reason than some self-invented abstract ideology."

"But I disagree. In fact I think I'm more humane than you. The way I see it humanity is compassion towards all human life. You may have compassion for the individual, but I have compassion for the group. I kill the criminals who threaten the lives of others directly and I kill the parasites that threaten their lives indirectly. But you? You stubbornly insist on preserving both threats under the guise of natural rights and common morality. It's the high idealists like you, in fact, who are the most inhumane." Shepard could clearly see the shock the woman felt at the accusation, though she hid it well. Pleased with the result, he continued before she could manage to respond:

"Let me put it this way. Can we agree that compassion is one's ability to sympathize with the misfortune of your fellow man and a genuine desire to relieve that misfortune?"

"Yes." The woman eyed Shepard warily.

"And isn't the fact that the middle class works to feed the poor a misfortune? Isn't the fact that they must forgo the pleasures that let them live instead of just exist a misfortune? Isn't living in fear of the evil deeds of already established evil men a misfortune? Isn't the fact that the the government insists on spending most of its money to sustain the lives of dying men and women for a few short months instead of preserving the vital, working, actively contributing sectors of society a misfortune? Don't my actions relieve these misfortunes? And I assure you my desire to do so is genuine."

"Yes, those are arguably misfortunes but they're small misfortunes. Surely there's no man or woman who wouldn't give up a vacation to save another man's life."

"Naïve idealism. But debating man's base nature is beside the point. And even if a man were willing to give up his vacation for another innocent man's life, I doubt very many would be so willing when it comes to murderers."

"Like yourself?"

Shepard laughs. "Again, beside the point. Let me ask another question than: is the greatest misfortune of any one man ever great enough to surpass the small misfortunes of every man?"

"Yes," the woman delivered resolutely.

"And that is why we will never see eye to eye. But it is also why I find you strangely intriguing." Shepard quickly found himself conversing freely with the young woman, revealing more than he had initially intended. "As sure as I am in my definition of right and wrong you are surer in yours. My morality is accompanied with a strange detachment from my fellow man, but yours is accompanied with a burning passion."

"One might argue that that's evidence you're unsure of your own beliefs."

"And similarly one might argue that it is necessary in order to be able to accept the bloodshed my ideology requires."

"That your ideology requires bloodshed at all is a sign of its weakness."

"Again, we must disagree. What wise man decided that bloodshed is the sign of inferior ideas?"

"It is not something that needs to be taught, Shepard. It is something that is obvious; in the perfect world everyone is equal and everyone will be saved. Anything less is imperfect."

"So you aspire to perfection?"

"Yes."

"And you believe perfection can be attained?"

"…I have to hope."

"You don't think its silly to aspire to a perfection you believe inaccessible? You say my ideology is imperfect but you admit everything is imperfect. Imperfection, in that case, is hardly an insult."

"You want me to say that if there is no perfection than there is no absolute right. You're trying to break the morality in me you can't explain."

"I'm simply trying to direct you towards an inevitable truth. Just as there is no perfection, just as there is no absolute right, there is no absolute justice."

"The words of a small man who would prefer to accept what he knows rather than struggle for something greater." Shepard held the woman's fiery gaze. _Such conviction._

"Suppose then that there exists an evil that justice cannot bring down."

"I don't-"

"Yes, I know you don't believe in it. But let's say this evil is imminent and all the justices you have available are insufficient."

"Fine."

"Would you taint your hands with evil to destroy evil? Or would you continue your own justice and succumb to that evil?"

The woman remained silent.

"If I must become evil – your evil – to defeat a greater evil still, I shall."1

Shepard's tone was final. The conversation was over. Briefly, he had allowed himself to be prodded. Why he did this he couldn't say. Perhaps, he thought, he was waiting for that one argument that would tear a hole through the heart of his beliefs. Yet even the unyielding young woman could do nothing. Maybe, Shepard thought, he was past the point of return. He could be so entrenched in his own ideas that the only way to disprove them was to play by the rules they created.

Shepard closed his eyes, straightened his back, and drew a long, slow breath. When he opened his eyes again they had returned to a cold, calculating state. "You don't deny that you're the one who's been interfering with the Reds?"

"No." Shepard continued to observe the woman in silence. "What do you plan to do to me?" The woman's eyes still bore into Shepard but not with the unrelenting conviction of before; rather they were the eyes of a girl who was beginning to realize she wasn't ready to sacrifice herself for her ideals.

Shepard let his head rest back against the booth and watched the smoke crawling slowly across the ceiling. "Nothing." The woman's eyes widened.

"Shepard," the District Seven head who had retreated into shadows while Shepard and the young woman were talking, slithered forward. "She's admitted her guilt. I suggest she be made an example of before this becomes a trend."

Shepard ignored the man and continued addressing the woman. "As far as I can tell, you have done nothing to provoke a violent reaction either by me or any member of the Tenth Street Reds." Shepard brought his eyes back to the woman's. "_However_, I suggest that you discontinue these practices. Should you choose not to, and should I ever feel that you have become a substantial obstacle to what the Reds are trying to achieve-"

"Basically if you ever decide that my 'contribution' to society becomes outweighed by the so-called burdens I keep you from removing." Shepard waited patiently for her to finish.

"Should these conditions ever be met, I can no longer guarantee your safety."

"This is ridiculous. You mean to control my fate by simple whim."

"Hardly. Fate is something no one can control."

The young woman stood up to leave.

"Seven. If you would escort her from Reds territory…."

"Yes, Shepard."

As the two walked out of the pub into the city night, Shepard sat in the dark, alone.

Author's Note:

For this chapter I wanted to shed light on a few more elements of society Shep finds a bit unsavory. But I didn't want to show it outright like I have before. I thought simply having a back and forth (which could just as easily mirror inner turmoil) might serve as a pretty good medium. Also I wanted to introduce this concept of Fate and how Shepard approaches it. The woman wasn't intended to be a recurring character in any capacity. She is as abstract a personage as the ideas she represents. If I ever come back to her (likely in a post ME2 or ME3 world) I may change that.

1: This is a reference to a line Lelouch delivers in Code Geass R2 Episode 4: Counterattack at the Gallows. For anyone who hasn't seen this series, I strongly recommend it.


	4. Chapter 4: Recruitment

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note: Shep's recruitment chapter! Way more action, way less social commentary.

This Is It

_Earth April 10, 2172_

He had to keep running. His lungs and his legs were burning but there was nothing he could do; he had to keep running.

When was it, Shepard wondered, that fear alone had ceased to be enough? No, not just fear. He knew why the Tenth Street Reds had come into existence in the first place. _Because people were afraid_. But Shepard? No, Shepard was fearless, stoic, untouchable. In a world of criminals only he never seemed to be a victim. Wouldn't it be only natural then to gravitate to his side?

He came to the edge of the domed roof. How far was that – forty, sixty feet? Shepard heard another shot go off behind him, could _feel _it speeding past his ear. _Fuck it_, he thought. _No way that uniformed fuck gets to be the one to take me down_. Shepard leapt off.

He thought the Reds would last. Hadn't he, after all, given them all the justification they needed to fulfill that savage bloodlust innate in all humans? Human nature, he had believed, would keep the gang going. Not just fear and cowardice. What he hadn't figured was that alliances were fickle things. In the end it was every man for himself.

He landed first on the balls of his feet. As he made contact his knees bent automatically, his head tucked in towards his chest, and he propelled himself forward. _Shoulder to hip, _he reminded himself as he tumbled forward. As he came to the end of his roll he tried to push himself up with his left hand but fatigue was quickly taking over and he stayed immobile, the right side of his face against the cool metal. He peered towards the roof he had just leapt from only to see a dark figure dropping rapidly through the air behind him. Shepard pushed himself up and kept running.

It wasn't just human nature Shepard has miscalculated. Admittedly, his own greed had gotten in the way. The Reds grew too fast – too many men, too much territory. At first the rigid hierarchy had functioned well. The formation of the thirteen Districts had also functioned well. Eventually, though, the cost of having more and more men who knew him only by position and name and less and less who knew the man himself had made itself evident. It was a breeding ground for discord, subversion, and rebellion.

Shepard heard another shot but this time it came from in front of him, not behind. Fifty yards ahead of him was a young man, a teenager, holding a gun with his right arm and wearing a blue armband on his left. _Another traitor_. He ran straight at the boy. Once he was close enough – the kid's hand had started shaking uncontrollably causing his shots to be fired all over the place – he grabbed on to his wrist with his left hand and delivered a heavy punch to the kid's wrist with his right hand. The gun clattered to the floor and skid over the ledge of the platform. Shepard cursed under his breath before delivering one final blow to the left side of the kid's face. He sprinted over the edge of the platform, quickly descending the stairs that led further into the lower tiers. Shepard kept running but he had no idea where to. He did know one thing, however: he would keep heading down. Down into the darkness, that festering womb he had emerged from.

Shepard hadn't yet decided whether the authorities' decision to finally come down on Reds activity as they went through their period of inner strife was good or bad. Could he have repaired his empire? Restored order? Still, he should have anticipated their move. The Reds were too big to fly under the radar anymore. Everyday they expanded, and everyday the target on their back became a bigger, brighter red. Yet Shepard had been blinded by his success. Who else could've made what he had from scratch? All his achievements were Fate's way of telling him what he was doing was right, weren't they? Or maybe he was just rationalizing. Maybe what had led to his downfall was that irrational saboteur: youth.

Shepard jumped from the platform onto the roof of the neighboring building. _How is this fucker still on my tail?_ He ran across the roof before he swung his legs over the edge, his hands still gripped to the ledge. He bent his knees and pushed off the wall, springing backwards. He twisted midair and grappled for the railing of the fire escape. He missed the first one but his momentum carried him close enough to the next one down that he managed to grab on with both hands. He pulled himself up and began pulling off his jacket. He wrapped it around his lower arm and rammed it into the nearest window. Kicking away the glass around the edges, he stepped into the apartment and into the dark.

What was it that had finally sparked the fire? _Number Three, wasn't it? _It was. Three had been one of the ones with Shepard since the beginning. When the districts were carved up, this had led to him getting one of the largest districts, directly bordering Shepard's own District One. Three had lapped up all of Shepard's definitions of who in society was disposable. This, of course, included the disabled. Not just any disabled though - only those whose mental or physical disability precluded them from ever contributing to society in any meaningful way. Between the rarity of such individuals and the advanced technologies that could prevent or almost completely heal such defects, disableds had never been one of the Reds primary targets.

But then Three's younger sister had an accident that left her in a persistent vegetative state. Her brain damage had been severe though doctors claimed she retained some level of awareness. The damage throughout her body had been so extensive that any hope of restoration to her previous state meant paying exorbitant sums for an operation with almost no chance of success. Three had managed to prevent all action upon her within his District and had kept the information from Shepard for months; Shepard had been told she had died within two days of her accident and had written off Three's irregular behaviors in the following weeks as caused by grief. The only reason Shepard found out was because one of the outer District Heads, who had been eyeing District Three for himself for months, had stumbled across the information and brought it immediately after to Shepard.

Shepard's final decision had been precisely as Three had feared. And the fire had been lit. When Three withdrew from the Reds, Shepard was ready to execute a simple plan: cut off the snake's head. What he wasn't ready for was District Seven proclaiming his allegiance to Three. Seven, the most influential of the outer District Heads, had already made plans for the situation. _Probably was the one who pushed Three to keep his sister alive, showed him how to keep it a secret, and encouraged Three to break off. _Once the fighting broke out it was too widespread for news not to travel uptier into Alliance ears. And once the Alliance started sending in squads by the dozens, things got truly chaotic.

What District was he in now? Eight? Nine? Either way this was hostile territory. Shepard moved through the apartment silently, unsure what to expect. Most of the non-Reds in the thirteen Districts had moved out of the territories where the fighting was the worst; they were those splitting the inner Districts still following District One from those following District Seven. _Five, Eight, and Nine_. It seemed this building was no exception. Drawers had been ripped out and emptied, evidence of a quick flight. Yet Shepard knew not to assume the place was empty; Seven's men were likely still patrolling the area. Shepard silently exited the apartment and started heading down the hallway towards the stairwell.

Coming from behind him, Shepard heard a metallic clang followed by the sound of crunching glass. _Finally caught up._ Shepard quickened his pace. Just as he reached for the door leading to the stairwell a voice spoke out from the apartment opposite the stairs.

"Turn around." Shepard did. _Just my fucking luck_. Holding a modded Kessler 2 (Shepard was well aware of Hahne-Kedar's propensity to deal in its own backyard) a few from Shepard's face was a Red standing just inside the apartment doorway.

At the same time Shepard noted a dark figure emerging from the apartment he himself had waded through less than a minute before.

Shepard closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "Fair's fair. You caught me. Been on the run for days. I mean, I know your boss wants me dead but really you've been hounding me for days." Shepard briefly opened his eyes to see the dark figure moving towards him from the opposite end of the hall and the Red still inside the doorway, a confused look on his face. _Just keep talking_, Shepard thought to himself. "Though I can see why you might think I deserve it. I get that you don't agree with what I believe and everything." Shepard delivered the lines without taking a breath; he couldn't afford for either of them to speak just yet. "I understand your point of view, really I do. In fact I –" _Gotcha._ Shepard grabbed out at the Kessler and tugged the Red towards him. He spun him around and held him in front of him just in time for the Red to get three of the bullets coming from the opposite end of the hallway square in the back. Shepard ripped the gun from his hand and sprinted into the apartment the Red had been standing in seconds before. Without giving it a second thought he turned slightly, tucked his chin to his chest, and jumped out the window.

Once the Alliance had gotten involved, there wasn't much Shepard could do. The Reds had the numbers and the home turf advantage, but the Alliance had the training. In the end, District One's collapse had started the day the Alliance sent a strike team into their home base. That was the day the chase began.

Three days later it still hadn't stopped. As Shepard landed in the dumpster, his omni-tool gave off a small ping. Shepard pulled himself out and looked down at the orange glow: 12:01.

_Happy Birthday to me._

As Shepard rounded the alley's corner a strong hand grabbed him by the collar and pushed him backwards. In a flash, Shepard was pinned.

"Gotta give it to you kid, you put up one hell of a fight."

"Judging by my current situation I can't say I agree." Shepard glared at the heavily built man sitting on his chest.

"Not a lot of rats can manage to evade a trained Marine for three days."

"What do you want? A fucking thank you?" The butt of the Marine's pistol connected with Shepard's face. Shepard bit his lip only allowing himself to let out a grunt. "Shouldn't you be trying to save that kid up there? Soldier's duty and all."

"Not in my orders."

"That so? And what is?"

"Find the guy who runs the Reds and take him out."

"Shit, I don't even get a trial?" This time Shepard got a blow to his liver.

"Wasn't expecting the head of the Reds to be a fucking kid though."

"Well guess what? I'm not. I'm 18 as of five minutes ago."

The Marine laughed. "What's your name kid?"

"Shepard. Silas Shepard."

"Silas? What kind of fucking name is that?"

"It means-"

"I don't give a shit what it means. Your name is John from now on. 'John Shepard.' Nice ring to it eh?"

"Sounds like a fucking dead body some cop found in a dumpster."

"Funny. Anyways John I have a present for you."

"Painless death?"

"Even better. You get to join the Alliance."

"What?"

"I've seen what you can do. I've seen what you're _willing_ to do. The Alliance needs people like you John."

"Fuck that. I'm a criminal. I have no parents, nothing. Fuck, I don't even have a damned birth certificate."

"Like I said, the Alliance needs people like you. And don't worry about the paperwork. I'll take care of that."

"I'm still a criminal."

"Oh? Way I see it a kid like you just needs directions. You grew up without rules so you made up your own. And from what I hear you listen to those rules like they're a trigger happy hillbilly holding a shotgun to your nuts."

"First of all, that was fucking retarded. Second of all, what has that got to do with anything?"

"If there's anything the Alliance is good at, it's making up a shitload of fucking rules. So all you have to do is start following those. And if our intel on you is right, military life probably won't even conflict with the rules you've been following the last eighteen years."

"Yea? How's that?"

"You'll be too far away from civilians to pull any of the shit you pulled here for one; the only guys you'll get the chance to kill are ones the Alliance already wants dead. Plus, somehow I don't think killing soldiers is something your code lets you do, am I right?" _Code, _Shepard thought. _I like that._

Shepard's thoughts returned to the man's question. "Yea. I guess so."

"See? Problem solved."

"You don't think anyone's gonna mind fighting alongside a murderer?"

"Hell, we're all murderers, just licensed ones. Besides, no one has to know but me and my boss."

_I can't believe this_, Shepard thought, _I actually _believe_ this guy._

"I know your eyes kid. You want a purpose. So I'm giving you a chance to find one. A damned good one. Not to mention if I were you I'd be tired of living in this pisshole killing civilians. I'd want a real challenge. Join the alliance John."

"Ok," the Marine took his knee from Shepard's chest and held out a hand to lift him up. Shepard took it. "One thing though."

"Yea?"

"I don't care what goes on my fucking birth certificate – you better start calling me Si."

The Marine laughed. "And you can call me Logan."

For the first time, Shepard grinned.

Author's Note:

So there it is. Reviews welcome as always. Next chapter I'll either do a climbing the ranks type of thing or go straight onto the Blitz and the raid of Torfan. And then onto ME1!

Also, inspirations for this chapter come from Deus Ex (love the takedowns!), the awesomeness of parkour, and as for the Code I'm feeling a little bit of Dexter. Next chapter will be up Thursday night I'm guessing. Or like in a couple of hours if I opt to go into the next chapter instead of watching some Battlestar Galactica. Who knows?

PS Please review. Seriously.


	5. Chapter 5: Torfan, Start

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note: Somehow this chapter turned into a lot more action than I initially intended. Hard to believe I started this fic mostly hoping to just write a fluff piece.

This Is It

_Terminus Systems, 2183_

Shepard moved his hand to the back of his helmet. _Nothing._ The small hose that connected his helmet to the O2 reserves located on the back of his suit was gone, blown off in the same explosion that had rocketed him from the Normandy.

Shepard felt like his head was about to explode. He felt the searing pain of his nose and ears rupturing and could feel the air literally being sucked from his lungs. His breathing became rapid. He grabbed at his helmet thinking it would somehow relieve the intense pain or allow him to breath. But his few seconds had already passed. He lost consciousness and his body fell limp, drifting through the void.

Within minutes, Shepard was dead.

_Skyllian Verge, 2178_

"Fucking hell, can't this thing be deployed without having to land groundside?"

"I dunno, you want to try dropping into the atmosphere in a three ton vehicle?"

"I'm just asking why the Alliance hasn't come up with anything better than these damn Grizzlies."

"Rigby, Talens – cut the chatter." Shepard stood leaning against the cargo bay wall.

"Sir." The two men fell silent and continued to wait beside the nose of the M29A Grizzly.

"Lieutenant." Shepard looked towards a small woman who was briskly crossing the bay after just having emerged from the elevator.

"Yes, Engineer?"

"The Major just radioed from the CIC. He says he's on his way down and expects everyone to be geared up and triple checked by the time he gets down here."

"Copy that. Dismissed." Shepard lifted his right hand to his ear. Radioing the rest of the platoon he said:

"All units be ready to roll out in five. Anyone not in line when the Major steps off that elevator gets triple happy hours for a month." Shepard heard the beginnings of a chorus of 'Aye ayes' before dropping his hand back down and beginning to check his own weapons for what must've been the dozenth time. _Right hip Kessler IV. Lower back Storm III. Left shoulder Avenger III. Right shoulder Lancer V. _As Shepard withdrew each weapon from its respective holster he ejected each magazine, checked the cartridges, locked it back in place, pulled back the operating rod until he heard that familiar _click_, and flipped up his sights before restoring them back to their original position. Throughout the cargo bay two dozen soldiers could be seen doing the same thing. Once they had finished and were lined up, the door to the elevator opened and Major Kyle stepped out into the cargo bay.

"Everyone here already knows the situation," he began, pacing back and forth. "We all know what these fuckers tried to pull in the Blitz. We hit them pretty hard then and we're here to finish them off now. They've managed to hole themselves up in an underground compound forty minutes out from our current location. Air assaults have been ineffective. The compound has two entrances: south and north. Alpha and Charlie will be led by me and will assault the southern entrance; the Lieutenant," at this point the Major looked straight at Shepard, "will be taking Bravo and Delta to the northern one. The last wave managed to take out the enemy's AA guns so we'll be dropped just outside their short range capabilities. We take out the turrets, get into the entrance halls, then take the stairs and regroup on the second floor. We can't get any readings on the enemy's exact location but we're betting most of them are sitting right at the bottom so once we're in we work our way down. Now get into those IFVs and let's flush these fuckers out! Hooah!"

The soldiers bellowed out the war cry back to the Major before moving towards the M29s. Four squads, four Grizzlies, each one holding six men.

Shepard stood before his squad's own IFV and waited for the other five soldiers in his squad to get in before climbing into the driver compartment himself.

"Bravo squad is go." Shepard watched the cargo bay doors pull open.

"Delta squad is go." Shepard fired up the Grizzly.

"Charlie is go."

"Alpha is go." Shepard heard the familiar voice of the Major. "All squads move out." Shepard repeated the order into his headset and pulled out of the carrier onto the barren surface of Torfan's moon.

The carrier had dropped them two miles outside the Batarian compound's turret's firing range. Well within their radar, Shepard knew, but stealth wasn't exactly their goal. Alliance starships had been bombing the compound for days and multiple strike teams had already been sent in though none had emerged successful. His was just the next on the chopping block.

"Shepard, you hear me?" Major Kyle's voice crackled over the radio.

"Loud and clear Major."

"Good. Now listen to me: you get out of this place alive and I give that recommendation I know you've been wanting to SECNAV. They'll have you up in front of the promotion board within a few weeks."

"I appreciate it Major."

"I know it. So don't go and fuck anything up, copy?"

"Copy that."

"Good hunting Lieutenant."

"Heavy turrets coming up in 500 yards!….450…" Shepard turned to the Engineer sitting beside him who had just yelled out.

"Rigby, ready the mass accelerator cannon. Talens I want a solution on those turrets _now._"

"You got it LT."

"Enemy turrets getting ready to fire! First volley in three…two….one…"

Shepard sped up the Grizzly, and drove straight towards the turret. He could hear the bullets peppering the outside of the vehicle.

"Enemy rocket launched!"

"Talens where's my solution?" Shepard yelled.

"Ready, sir."

"Then take out that turret!" The Grizzly was rocked back and forth as a series of shots was unleashed on the Batarian compound.

"Enemy rocket straight ahead!" The Engineer screamed into her mic. "Kinetic barriers down 8%!"

Shepard continued driving straight towards the blue ball before finally pulling away, less than a second before there would've been direct impact. He pushed down on the break and turned the wheel violently left causing the Grizzly's tires to skid across the moon's dusty surface. He pulled his foot off the break and slammed it into the gas. The Grizzly was now speeding along parallel to the compound.

Rigby reoriented the Grizzly's main gun and finished off the enemy turret. "Heavy turret down Lieutenant!"

"Still got two left Rigby. I want the next one down in fifteen seconds!"

"Sir, Delta Squad just took down their turret."

"Rigby!"

"Enemy shields are down! Just give me a few more seconds…" Rigby stopped rapid fire and let loose one of the Grizzly's rockets. "Target eliminated!"

Shepard brought the M29 to a halt forty feet from the compound's entrance. "Everyone out! Pinnell, update the Major. Akitsu, radio Delta and tell them to regroup with us ASAP." Shepard turned to his engineer. "Get that door unlocked. Rigby, Talens eyes out."

Shepard unholstered his assault rifle and surveyed the horizon. Within the minute, another M29 pulled up next to Shepard's own and unloaded its six men.

"Engineer?"

"Door's unlocked sir."

"Then let's get the fuck going." Shepard leaned his head left then right to get the crick out of his neck. _Time to get dirty._

_Arcturus Station, 2173_

Shepard turned off of Eighteenth Street onto Promethei Planum Avenue. It was a Friday and, save for the early morning discussion section he had already attended, he didn't have any classes. He had planned to stay in for the day and catch up on some reading before having received an email from a certain overconfident marine.

_See you 2:30 at the Hole. -L_

Shepard made a right and saw the entrance to the café the old man was fond of. He let his hand slide along the rail next to him before going down the thin, steep stairs and pulling open a heavy, rusted door.

"Si! Seems you managed to make it here ok." Silas looked over to where the low, booming voice came from, grinned, and started heading over.

"Still don't know what's so great about place but yea I did." Shepard pulled out a seat and sat down across from the marine.

"Every man needs his escape." Logan looked at Shepard and raised his eyebrows as if to say '_Am I right?' _ "So how's school?"

"Less lecture than in my first few weeks of basic training."

"Well keep with it. Three more years and then the OCS will take you." Shepard remembered the conversation he had had with Logan at the end of processing week after he had first joined the Alliance.

"…_You'll get through the next few weeks with no problem Si. They're going to give you a dream sheet at the end of it and you're going to write down a list of assignments you want. What I want, Si, is for you to consider applying to the OCS."_

"_The OCS? What for?"_

"_Aside from the benefits and free weekends?" Logan had tried to joke with Shepard but he, being intensely sleep deprived considering the chaotic processing week he had, was in no joking mood._

"_What about BSD/N?"_

"_I know you Silas. And I know the Alliance Navy. Men like you aren't meant to be just enlisteds."_

_Logan showed Shepard a better life. A way out he had always wanted but never knew about. When he had offered his guiding hand, Shepard took it. And contrary to what Shepard had initially believed, he hadn't left. Shepard trusted the marine, and if the old man was ready to offer his advice again, he would take it._

"_Just think about it Silas."_

"…_Ok, I will."_

"_And Silas?"_

"_Yea?"_

"_Don't wear your smurfs to the canteen."_

"Si?" The marine's voice brought Shepard back to the present.

"Huh?'

"Thinking about the City?" Logan didn't have to specify which; to Shepard the City would always be that place where he had been born, from which he had been lifted up.

"No."

"Do you ever?"

"Sometimes." _I mean all the time._

Logan looked at Silas with softened eyes. "You never feel regret?"

"Why should I? I never killed anyone who didn't ought to be killed. I never betrayed the Code." Shepard heard himself speak with a mettle he didn't quite feel.

There was a brief lull in the conversation as a pretty waitress brought over a couple of drinks. When she had left Logan resumed:

"You know…." Logan scratched as his stubble as he took a sharp inhale. "Sometimes Silas, I feel like without your Code, you'd fall apart."

_Skyllian Verge, April 11, 2178_

Shepard opened the door, rifle out in front of him, and saw nothing but black.

"Engineer."

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"Get these lights on." The woman, clad in her black and dark green Mantis II light armor, kneeled down before a console and started tapping commands into her omnitool.

"No can do Lieutenant. The Batarians must have cut the power cables once they knew we were getting in."

"Are you telling me, Engineer, that we have to take out superior enemy forces in a superior defensive position in

"-pitch-fucking-black?" Rigby finished. Shepard shot him a sideward glare which caused Rigby to press his lips firmly shut.

The Engineer looked back at Shepard. "Yes, Lieutenant."

"Fantastic." Talens sighed and began switching his own rifle's sights for a flashlight he had kept in offhand storage.

"All units prepare for low light conditions. Get those flashlights on but they stay dark until I say otherwise. Once we step through those next doors stay low, use your headsets, but keep it quiet." Shepard turned around and nodded to the engineer.

The doors hissed open.

Shepard was the first to step through into the black. He stood still for a long moment, waiting for his eyes to completely readjust to the darkness. Normally humans wouldn't be able to make out anything more than shadows in such low lighting but nowadays Alliance gene therapies included increased light sensitivity. While Shepard couldn't see with perfect clarity, he could see enough that he opted not to use the clunky, vision confining infrared goggles. And what he saw throughout the expansive entrance hall of the compound were dozens and dozens of crates oriented every which way and stacked up nearly touching the low ceiling.

"It's a fucking labyrinth," Shepard heard Talens mutter into his headset.

"We're splitting up. Regroup at the southern end." Even without being able to see, the compound's layout was extremely familiar to him. Not only was it a pretty standard design, but he had also spent hours memorizing its precise layout the day before. Delta Squad, leave two of your men here and the other four split up and take the eastern passages. Akitsu and Pinnell take the passage at my three. Rigby and Talens go right and stick to the wall. Engineer, you're with me." Shepard nodded towards the path straight ahead of them.

Each soldier took a look around at the circle of faces before pairing off and spreading out. Shepard stayed slightly ahead of the Engineer and moved slowly through the darkness. His eyes darted between the metallic sides of the crate surrounding him and the ground before him. Minutes passed in silence; Shepard could barely hear the other men breathing into their headsets. It was then that a soft orange light came from behind him.

"Engineer! Turn that off!"

"I'm sorry Lieutenant. It's an emergency signal from Alpha Squad."

"What?" Shepard was about to turn around to face the woman when his eye noticed a glimmer flick across the floor. He looked back at the Engineer's omnitool…

"All units halt! It's –" Before Shepard could warn the men the area was booby trapped, a series of ear-splitting explosions that seemed to rock the entire hall came from his left. Shepard managed to keep his balance though the Engineer had fallen to her knees. Shepard quickly gripped her upper arm and pulled her up before motioning to the wire that lay just a few feet in front of him. The Engineer nodded and Shepard started sprinting forward.

Meanwhile the crates filling the room began to rock back and forth; the ones closest to the ceiling came crashing down. Shepard continued running forward and sped up as he saw one of the crates about to fall. He slid underneath the falling crate, narrowly avoiding being crushed in the process. He lifted himself back up and looked back to make sure the Engineer was still with him; she was. What Shepard also saw was a broken crate surrounded by a pile of explosives. Now he understood the series of explosions that seemed to be coming closer to him.

"Get to the southern door now! The crates are loaded with explosives. I repeat: the crates are loaded with explosives!" Shepard kept on running, turned left, right, another right, all the while screaming orders into his mic and holding his left hand to his ear.

Shepard made another right and nearly ran into Rigby. Within a fraction of a second he pushed away any shock he felt and yelled, "Move! Move! Move!" over the sound of the explosions. The four of them kept running along the western wall until they came to the corner of the room. It was a dead end.

"Fuck! We don't have time to go back and find another way!" Rigby threw his fist against the wall.

"Which is why we're not. Help me." Shepard holstered his rifle, climbed on top of a crate, and started pushing at another crate behind it. Rigby, Talens, and the Engineer quickly came to his aid. In a matter of seconds the crate began to slide forward and eventually toppled to the floor. Shepard pressed his left hand against one of the horizontal crates and swung his legs over the top.

"Jump over these now! And watch the drop!" The Engineer was the first one over and Shepard reached up to slow her fall. "Move to the stairs!" The Engineer nodded and sprinted past the southern door and into the corridor behind. Talens was the next to jump over. His landing was less than graceful but once he had recovered he yelled out to Shepard:

"LT!" He pointed towards the crates opposite the ones he had just scaled over. Shepard looked over to see the remains of Delta Squad along with Akitsu and Pinnell round the corner. He pointed towards the open door and, once Rigby had landed beside him, began running for it himself.

The eight survivors crouched down against the walls of the corridor and waited for the explosions to die out.

Shepard covered one of his ears and tried to contact the four missing men with his headset.

"Lieutenant." One of the Delta Squad members had come up beside Shepard. "Asimov and Sampson were killed in the first explosion."

"You saw this?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"And the two stationed at the door?"

"Still alive as far as I know."

Shepard looked back out into the hall and saw debris falling from the ceiling. "This place is about to collapse. If they're alive they'll go back out the entrance and regroup with Alpha and Charlie."

"Sir."

"Engineer, why don't I have radio contact?"

"All communications are being blocked Lieutenant." Shepard cursed under his breath.

"We could go back now Shepard." Shepard turned around sharply to face the other Delta Squad member. "There's enough time to get back to the entrance before the ceiling caves in. We—"

"No, Specialist. We will _not_ head back. The rest of the compound is still intact and our orders haven't changed. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"Question my authority again and it won't be Batarians who kill you. All units check weapons and head to the stairs."

Author's Note:

I had planned to Torfan in one chapter but so much for that. I think I'll do it by stages and maybe after, if I think it works better, I'll mash them all back together. I don't know about you guys but 3k is the limit of my attention span for any one chapter. R&R!


	6. Chapter 6: Torfan, Trapped

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note:

For anyone who read the Oct 20 version of chapter 5 some quick notes. The only major changes were the incorporation of Major Kyle as heading the platoon and Shepard being something like second in command. Since the platoon splits before the assault it didn't end up making too much of a difference. Also, I had to shuffle the squad names around since I figured Kyle, not Shep, should've headed up Alpha. Basically Alpha and Charlie took the southern entrance and Bravo (Shep) and Delta took the north. Also I had to fix up some inconsistencies with the numbers – I kept saying six survivors instead of eight.

This Is It

_Skyllian Verge, 2178_

"All clear sir."

"That makes eight floors, totally empty," Talens pointed out.

"Not counting the booby traps you mean." Rigby leaned back against the cool, metal wall. The eight of them had been searching floor after floor trying to find pockets of pirate resistance. With both radar and communications jammed, and the soldiers' nerves on edge, the slow procession had worn them down considerably.

The Engineer sat in the corner of the room inputting commands into her omnitool when her eyes widened. "Lieutenant?"

"What is it Engineer?" Shepard's was the only voice that gave no hint of fatigue.

"Communications signals are back up!"

"What? How?"

"I have no idea. It's like the jammer…just stopped."

Shepard put his hand up to his ear.

"This is Shepard to Alpha Squad. You there Major?" Shepard heard a slight crackle before his headset boomed:

"Lieutenant! Alpha. Am I glad to hear your voice. Is Delta with you?

"What's left of them. We lost Krause and Martin. The other two—

"No worries, they're with us. They told us about the explosion. That's why we sent out the emergency signal. We were working on the door when our counter sniper spotted a Batarian holed up in the hills watching our progress. Managed to send a couple others to pick him up, but by the time we found out the north entrance was rigged your communications had already been jammed. The only thing we could get out to you was that signal."

"We manage to get anything else out of him Major?"

"Nothing we didn't already know." The Major sighed. "We'll have to go back to get Krause and Martin before we leave."

"I'm afraid that's not possible Major."

"How do you mean Lieutenant?"

"The ceiling caved in after the blast. They're buried under what must be two tons of reinforced steel."

There was a brief silence on the radio. "Roger that. What's your current position?"

"We're on the ninth floor sir."

"Head to the thirteenth. We'll rendezvous there."

"Wait up a second," Rigby looked at Shepard. "How the hell did they get down there that fast?"

The Major laughed; Rigby's eyes widened. "Yes, I heard that Rigby. Just be glad I'm the officer in charge and not Shepard. We took the elevator once we made it into the compound but the cables were blown once we got in. Whoever did it botched the job though, and we managed to get out somewhere around the twenty-third; been working our way up hoping to find you ever since. We came across the jammer a few minutes ago. Turns out they had to place it halfway through the complex since the thing only has a 200 ft radius. We're too far down to get anything back to the Liepzig though. Anyways, enough chatter. Start heading down now and keep in radio contact."

"Copy that Major. Heading down now. Bravo out." Shepard turned to the rest of his squad. "Break's over boys and girls. Time to get going." The eight of them headed back towards the stairwell and began their rapid descent.

Shepard and his men worked through the levels of the compound systematically, exiting the stairwell before splitting off into smaller groups to check each room. The soldiers worked silently and efficiently, quickly taking out the few Batarians they did come across - mostly those who had come to the upper floors to set up hand mines, grenade traps, and spring guns. Shepard had already seen two men fall victim to the pirate's sly tactics and was sure not to let it happen again.

As Shepard's squad was about to head down another floor he heard his headset start crackling. "Shepard! Shepard, do you copy?"

"I copy Major," Shepard paused and heard gunfire in the background. "What's going on down there?"

"It was my fault. I had all twelve men in the stairwell when these fuckers threw down a couple of grenades. As if the incendiaries weren't bad enough they went ahead and threw down a couple hundred pounds of red sand! The shit's everywhere –" Shepard heard the Major coughing into his mic. "We're fucking trapped so you need to take the west stairwell to our location, cross the level, and open the door for us before we fucking suffocate or get blown to bits."

"Copy that major."

"And Shepard! Be careful. These bastards must be somewhere between your current location and the nineteenth floor and it doesn't seem like they're ready to go down without a fight!"

Shepard took his hand from his ear and turned to the rest of the squad: "Let's move it!" He sprinted full speed towards the western stairwell, practically ran through the door, and turned quickly to the right, his combat boots very noticeably scraping against the floor. He took the stairs two at a time and made another sharp left once he came to the landing. He started heading down the next flight. At the next landing there was a metal door on which was printed the number 18 in large yellow and black paint. He held his omnitool to the console and watched the doors open.

Level eighteen was a lab. The floor was one large room divided by frosted glass partitions into dozens of cubicles. Each cubicle was filled with either lab equipment or medical setups and had a single sliding door that led to the hallway hugging the walls of the room. Shepard turned around and looked at the two surviving men of Charlie squad:

"Keep this door open and watch the stairwell." Shepard was about to give out the rest of the squad's orders when a red alarm started flashing. Shepard, who had grown accustomed to the near pitch black, squinted before crouching down and moving behind a lab table positioned just inside the room closest to the door.

"_Emergency lockdown has been activated. Lab quarantine is in effect. Sterilization will begin in T minus 2 minutes…"_ Shepard grabbed the table in front of him and ripped it around, trying to slide it under the door before it closed completely. He did but the table was crushed under the weight of the door, which snapped shut in a matter of milliseconds. Shepard was trapped inside. Alone.

Shepard's radio came on: "Hey LT you alright?" Rigby.

"I'm fine. Start heading down to the nineteenth. For now your first priority is saving the Major. Once I get out of the lab I'll meet you there. Until I do, Talens, you're in charge."

"Yes, lieutenant."

Shepard looked around and took a silent breath. He held his rifle out in front of him and called back the layout of the compound. If he remembered correctly, the labs should have a filtration vent for airborne toxins large enough for him to move through. Where was the access though? It had to be in one of the walls. Shepard started moving from his position along the western wall. He moved past the first partition, the metal outer wall on his left and the frosted partition on his right. The room was silent, nothing but the metallic voice counting down and his own heartbeat. The red alarms along the outer walls flashed silently.

Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass tore through that silence. It had come from Shepard's right and when he swung around to see why he saw two Batarians armed with shotguns. Instantly, he ran forward and, lifting the nose of his rifle, quickly dispatched the one on the right. Before the body had even hit the floor Shepard twisted around and hit the other in the face with the butt of his gun. The pirate staggered backwards and Shepard took the opportunity to reach out with his freed right hand, grabbed the Batarian's face (hearing the satisfying _squish_ of his thumb and middle finger digging into his bottom two eye sockets), and pushed him to the ground. He would've attempted to get information out of him had he not heard shouting coming from another part of the lab. He held his rifle, now returned to his right hand, against the Batarians chest where, as his training had taught him, he knew it's heart would have been, and let out two bursts of shots. He pushed himself back up with his left hand and took a moment to collect himself.

_Why would they 'sterilize' their own men?_ Shepard had assumed there would be no one else in the room and was nearly killed because of it. Shepard holstered his rifle and took out his shotgun. His priority was still finding the vent and getting out of here alive, and the fastest way to do that was to move through the outer hallway even if it wasn't the smartest.

He stepped over the broken glass back into the corridor he had been in moments ago. He turned right and headed towards the northwest corner. When he got to the end of the corner cubicle he paused, hearing another group of Batarians coming down the corridor perpendicular to his own. He held the shotgun against the inside of his shoulder and waited….3…2…1…

He quickly turned around the corner and let loose a shot, sending the Batarian who had instantly found himself inches from Shepard's barrel flying backwards. Shepard started running forward, let the nose of his shotgun drop and pulled his pistol from his hip with his left hand. He squeezed off shots one after another towards the other three Batarians further down the corridor – it was no Lancer, but it was the closest option he had to suppressive fire. Still firing the Kessler, Shepard rammed his shotgun into the cubicle on his right, causing the glass to shatter and fall in a cascade of broken shards. He held his left arm above his head and moved through the falling glass curtain. Once he was in the cubicle he fired another shot into the partition in front of him, repeating the process.

Shepard moved through the various cubicles, shooting out whatever partitions he could and kicking over lab tables trying to create enough noise to confuse his own location. He had stopped for a second to let his guns cool down when he heard a soft crunch behind him. He turned around straight into the muzzle of a Judgment III. The Batarian pulled the trigger and Shepard dropped his guns, momentarily stunned by the incredible force. His kinetic barriers managed to take the brunt of the shot but the force was still enough to crack his helmet down the middle. Shepard staggered backwards into an operating table and began groping for something to use against the Batarian. _Found it._ Just as the Batarian was about to let out another shot, Shepard swatted his right arm away with his left before grabbing onto his shoulder. The shot went straight to the ceiling of the cubicle causing glass to fall down on the struggling pair. The Batarian reached for Shepard's throat with his other hand but Shepard brought the scalpel he had just picked up in his right hand straight into the Batarians wrist. Pulling the Batarian forward by his shoulder, Shepard jerked his head forward until he found contact. His helmet finally split in two and fell from the sides of his head, leaving Shepard able to look at the Batarian straight in the eyes. Shepard used the pirate's disorientation to pull the scalpel back out of his wrist and planted it straight in his jugular. He twisted the small knife violently with his right hand and felt a warm, thick syrup spray onto the right side of his face.

"_Sterilization in T minus one minute…"_

Shepard watched as the dead alien slid to the floor. Blood and glass were everywhere. _Glass?_ Shepard looked up and saw a metal grill in the ceiling. He had found his way out.

Shepard quickly began moving a nearby shelf under the grill. Once he had finished that, he climbed up and, after the vent cover stubbornly refused to budge under his grip, armed a grenade and slid it between the metal bars. He hopped down, took cover under one of the tables, and triggered the explosion. He leaned out of his cover and, content with his work – the grenade had left a large blacked area on the ceiling and a hole more than big enough for him to fit through, climbed back up and lifted himself into the vent.

"Wait!" Shepard quickly drew his pistol and took a quick glance out the vent. From below him, a Batarian looked up at him desperately.

"Look! I'm unarmed! Please let me up! I don't want to die in here!"

Shepard let his upper body lean out of the vent opening. "What were you and your friends doing in here?"

"_Sterilization in thirty seconds…"_

"A bunch of use were already on this floor when your friends fell through the elevator shaft! By the time we found out they were coming at us from below – and we already knew you were coming from above – we had nowhere to go! The others on the bottom level must've figured we were dead anyways and quarantined the floor! Please human, let me up!"

"You're a slaver – probably a thief and a murderer too. People like you don't get second chances," Shepard said flatly.

"_Sterilization in ten seconds."_

"Then the least you could do is kill me quickly. You know what they mean by sterilization don't you? It means getting showered in acid just before the temperature of the room gets so hot it burns your lungs from the inside."

"Good. I've always felt just shooting people was a bit too merciful. Efficient, but merciful." Shepard saw the Judgment III that had shot him less than a minute ago just behind the Batarian. He blinked and then decided to squeeze of four shots – two to the inside of the Batarians elbows and two to the kneecaps. "Wouldn't want you to get any ideas." Shepard pulled himself back into the vent and began crawling forward. Five seconds later he heard the Batarians still trapped in the lab begin to scream.

Author's Note:

So I wanted to do something more close-quarters since that's what Torfan's known for after all. I wanted to show Shepard being a little more physical and vicious too. I was thinking about doing stealth but considering the circumstances I had already created, plus the fact that this _is_ Shepard and he's a soldier (instead of say an infiltrator) I just went down the explosive mess path. I was thinking about doing a training insert but that's just way outside my knowledge. I haven't even seen enough army movies to have so much as a vague idea. If I ever do, I'll probably come back and write it in. There's actually a couple points that sound like they could've been a scene end where I'd do it.

Oh Miranda…still so far away. I've done a couple of those ME2 snapshots for openers so maybe she'll get a cameo that way. I know these last few chapters have been very action oriented but somehow I don't see how to incorporate that self reflection without ruining the pace. Not to mention that I like the idea of Shepard getting this kind of tunnel vision when he's on a mission (at least for these early stages) in the sense that he blanks out self doubts and ruminations.


	7. Chapter 7: Torfan, Descent

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note:

I would understand if someone felt like the first three(/four) chapters had a noticeably different tone than the last four(/three). If you're not a fan of the latter: worry not. Torfan's just something that's left mostly to ME fan's imaginations so I took great liberties with it. The events of ME1, less so. Also, you can skip over this chapter (unless you want to see kyle go a little crazy) If you're not a fan of the former: seriously, why read this?

This Is It

_Skyllian Verge, 2178_

"Fuck! We're pinned down," Rigby shouted as he ducked back into cover. From across the hall a stream of suppressive fire was falling nonstop on Rigby and the others.

"Someone get a grenade in there and flush him out!" Talens was crouched against an upturned metal desk, screaming into his headset.

"I'm all out! I spent my last one saving your ass, remember?" Rigby yelled into his mic.

"Fine. Head to my 10 o'clock and flank them!"

"Flank them? I think you inhaled a little too much red sand Jimbo. Every piece of cover between them and us has been blown to pieces. Nothing but a killing ground!"

"That's Corporal to you Lance Corporal!"

"Are you fucking kidding me Talens? We're about to get fucking killed in a musty fucking basement on some godforsaken moon in the middle of nowhere and you're bitching to me about _rank_?"

"Cut the chatter and hold fire." Talens and Rigby immediately stopped arguing upon hearing the familiar, albeit cold, voice.

"Lieutenant? Why would we –"

"Shut up and do what he says. Don't forget you don't ask questions of a superior officer, _Corporal_." Rigby said. Talens glared at him but lowered his pistol anyways. The two of them peered around the cover they were squatting behind and saw a dark figure drop from the ceiling behind the Batarians on the other side of the room and dispatch them in near total silence. Two minutes later Shepard had crossed the room to where they still squatted.

Rigby grinned as Shepard approached. "If I didn't think it would kill me, I think I might just kiss you commander."

"Let's just be grateful you still have some common sense then, huh?" Talens said, walking towards Shepard.

"Where's the Major?" Shepard asked brusquely.

"About that…" Talens started, his eyes falling to the floor.

"For God's sake man up would you?" Rigby motioned behind him with his thumb. "The Major's alive Lieutenant, though I can't say the same about the rest of his squad."

Shepard moved past Rigby, his face still expressionless. Sure enough, the Major was sitting against the wall, his legs haphazardly splayed out in front of him, his head hung in a confused daze.

"Major." The soldier, who's eyes were nothing like the playful eyes of the man who had initially led them into this battle, slowly picked up his head and looked at Shepard.

"Lieutenant. You're alive."

"I am." There was a brief pause in the exchange as Shepard waited for the Major to respond. Instead, he kept staring at the pistol in his hand blankly. "What about your squad Major? Where are they?"

"I don't…" The Major started, his mouth still hanging open.

"They're dead." Rigby came up beside Shepard. "Look inside the stairwell. Seems like anyone who didn't go down in the initial firebombing either died from overexposure to Red Sand or some crazy suicide run some of them seemed to make. Those are the guys at the top of the stairs who've been mauled by gunfire."

"Major, why did you're men run straight into enemy fire?"

Suddenly the Major snapped back to life. "We were trapped Shepard! Between the Sand and the smoke we couldn't breath! I had to watch my own men suffocate to death! I watched them burn! We couldn't go down because they had blown the wall and the stairwell was full of debris and we couldn't go up because they were waiting for us! First guy who tried – Garza – got a rocket to the chest! Those bastards knew they were already condemned to die and pulled out all the heavy artillery! There was nowhere we could go, nothing we could do. Nothing _I_ could do. There was nothing I could do…" All the sudden, the commanding officer fell quiet again.

Shepard saw that the Major was done. No longer fit for command as his superior officers would later put it.

"There's nothing we can do about it now. Our orders remain Major. We should move out now before the situation gets any worse than it already is."

"Move out? Move out and what? Just leave them here? Can't you see the bodies Shepard? Can't you see them?" Major Kyle got to his feet and gave Shepard a crazed look.

"I see them Major. And they're dead."

"You!" the Major pointed at Shepard, whose face was now thoroughly caked with dried blood. "It's your fault! Why didn't you get these doors open faster? You wanted them dead! I've heard about you, you know!" Shepard felt his heart rate rise. _Impossible. No one knows about me but the old man._ "I've heard about what the other officers say about you! They say you're dead! Cold and unfeeling and inhuman! I know about that kid you killed!" _That private was as good as dead when I shot him._ "I know you killed him, cut him up, and turned him into a bomb! And I know you killed enough Turians while you were at it that instead of sending you to an insane asylum – where you belong – they covered the whole thing up and gave you a slap on the back!"

_If only I could kill you right now. _"Major, those are nothing but rumors. The reason I couldn't get here in time was because I was trapped in the lab upstairs. I was about two seconds away from an acid bath. But I got out and I came here. Orders are orders and I don't leave jobs unfinished." Talens eyed Shepard warily.

Rigby stepped forward. "The LT's right Major! It's this damned Red Sand. It messes with your head. The LT's back and he's going to get us through this." Talens jabbed Rigby in the ribs. "No - _you're_ going to get us through this."

"I…yes, yes you're right. I'm sorry Lieutenant."

"Not at all Major."

"So what's the plan?" Talens shifted in his armor and looked at the Major.

"We uh…we'll…"

"We know for sure now that the Batarians are concentrated in the lower levels, Major. And I know for a fact that the west stairwell heading down is still clear. Rigby how are you for grenades?"

"All out LT," he piped back.

The Major started his nodding his head. "Ok, yea. We search the fallen and gather whatever we need and keep heading down together."

"Copy that Major." Shepard motioned to the rest of the squad and started checking over his weapons. _And they call me crazy_.

With Shepard back with the squad they began once again to operate like a well-oiled machine. Shepard took point and called out targets for the Engineer and Talens to use their tech abilities on or for Pinnell and Akitsu to unleash their biotics on. The Major's nerves were to frayed to hit the broad side of a barn; for the time being, there was nothing Shepard could do but keep a close eye on him.

The nine of them cleared the subsequent floors mercilessly quickly. Rigby eventually started keeping a running tally of how many Batarians each took down.

"Ooh! Headshot! That makes nineteen for me and how many for you?" Rigby looked over at Talens.

"First of all, keep your eyes where the enemies are and second of all, there's no way this count is anywhere near fair."

"And how's that, _Corporal_?" Rigby pronounced the infiltrator's rank with a touch of sarcasm as he popped up behind a Batarian and delivered a shotgun shot

"It's just how the squad works. _I _overload the shields and _I _make their weapons blow up in their hands. You're nothing but a kill thief really."

"Might I mention, Corporal Talens, that _we_ overload shields and explode weapons? Plus if this is a competition you guys have already lost. The Lieutenant's already in the forties." The engineer saw Rigby's face visibly fall.

He turned his head away from the engineer and coughed "_Fangirl._"

"All clear." Shepard said into his mic just as the young woman was about to interject.

"Hey LT! Check this out!" Shepard turned towards Rigby who was standing near a weapon's locker on the far side of the room.

"What is it Lance Corporal?"

"Guess the Batarians don't think much about hand weapons!" Rigby gleefully pulled out a long, curved blade.

"Don't take anything you don't know how to use." Shepard walked over and, after taking a quick once over pulled out a nine-inch combat knife/knuckleduster.

Rigby was about to put the blade back when the Engineer called out: "I'll take that." Rigby (along Pinnell and Akitsu) looked at her with a surprised look. "Seriously?"

The young woman cocked here eyebrow. Rigby grinned. "Yes, Ma'am! Any other surprises?" He looked over at Akitsu.

"What? Because I'm Japanese? Dude, it's the twenty-second century."

"Pinnell?"

"I'll stick to biotics."

"Fair enough. I'm pretty sweet in the hand-to-hand department myself." Rigby turned and started after Shepard.

"What about me?" Talens asked as the group started moving towards the stairs.

"Please, you haven't been within twenty feet of the enemy this entire time. Stick to your sniper." Talens was about to protest but, under Shepard's commanding glare, thought better of it.

Shepard led the squad down the stairs and was surprised when he came to the landing.

"Hey! We finally reached the bottom!" Rigby pointed out.

"I doubt it." Shepard stated darkly. "Major, any suggestions?"

The Major looked at Shepard with those same, glazed over eyes he had had since the squad had first found them.

"Right. Weapons up and eyes out everyone. Shepard will take point." Talens watched the Major look back at Shepard for approval. Shepard gave an almost imperceptible nod.

The group stepped out of the stairwell and into the main room. Shepard held up his right hand in a tight fist.

It was bizarre. The room was completely empty. The ceiling and walls were completely barren. Shepard would've said the same for the floor, had it not been for the circular metal plate that stretched from wall to wall lying flat on top of it.

"Move forward men." It was the first time the Major had spoken since being found in the stairwell without being prompted by Shepard.

Talens saw the flash of annoyance that crossed Shepard's face. _If we weren't here…_

Rigby and the others looked between Shepard and the Major.

Shepard stared hard at the Major before speaking. "You heard the Major."

The group of nine moved forward into the room, inevitably stepping onto the metal plate.

Shepard had been braced for…he didn't know what. Something. But as they moved deeper into the room nothing happened.

"Major?" Shepard looked over the man wondering if he had somehow managed to pull himself together.

"Fan out and look for exits." Shepard was surprised by the confidence with which the Major spoke. Had he been wrong? He had written the Major off as broken, irreparable, useless. Yet he seemed…No. Shepard couldn't be thinking about this when the most dangerous part of his mission yet was likely approaching.

"Lieu-Major!" Rigby shouted out. "I think I found something!"

"What is it soldier?"

"I think this is a door. You can almost not see it but see this opening here?"

"Engineer! What do you make of it?" The woman hurried over.

She scanned the door with her omnitool and input a few commands. "He's right Major. But there's no console in sight. I'm guessing the only way to open it is from the other side."

"So we blow it open." The Major said.

Talens stepped forward. "I don't think that's possible Major. Judging by these scans the doors are too thick for any of our explosives to be able to do any real damage."

"Well I don't see any alternatives Corporal. Engineer, set the explosives."

"Copy that Major." The young woman placed explosives along the opening and armed each one. She moved back towards the middle of the room where the rest of squad had moved out of the blast radius. One beep from her omnitool and the explosives went off.

It was at that moment that Shepard felt a warm tingling throughout his body. Less than a second later his back, hip, and hands started burning. "Remove your weapons now!" he shouted out. He reached behind him and quickly grabbed for the pistol on his hip and the shotgun latched on to his lower back. Once he had thrown them to the floor he grabbed for his sniper and assault rifle. Around him the others could be seen doing the same.

Shepard heard a voice come on what must have been the loudspeakers: "_I applaud you humans for being able to make it all this way. Unfortunately, this is as far as you will come."_ The voice, distinctly Batarian, laughed out.

Shepard watched as the weapons strewn across the floor glowed red-hot and finally exploded.

"_Impressed? A certain scientist we picked up while raiding one of your colonies made it for us in return for his daughter's life. Or at least that's what we had promised him."_

_An overload field_, Shepard thought to himself.

"_Let's see how long you last without your weapons…humans."_

Shepard watched as a half dozen hatches switched open each containing three to four Batarians. Each one began simultaneously firing on his squad, still trapped in the center of the room. Shepard felt his suit inject him with adrenaline.

Pinnell's kinetic barrier is depleted almost instantly.

Akitsu releases a singularity in the center of the room.

Talens pulls the Major to the ground.

One of the two Delta Squad members is killed by the first sniper shot fired.

Shepard reaches the northeast corner hatch.

The Batarians start sliding forward, feet first, pulled by the singularity.

Shepard draws his combat knife.

Pinnell manages to unleash a pull along the southern wall.

Shepard gasped as the artificial adrenaline faded from his system and found himself standing in front of a group of four Batarians. He reached for the nearest one and pushed the Batarian's left hand away, allowing him to swing the combat knife in his right hand up into the alien's chest multiple times. Holding the Batarian with his left hand, Shepard swung the knife into the next Batarian's throat and pulled it forward, slicing the alien's neck nearly in half. Shepard turned around again and pushed the Batarian he was still holding forward into the remaining two. Shepard grabbed his next victim's neck with his left hand and viciously swung the knife in his right hand into the slaver's face repeatedly. Shepard turned to the last Batarian and moved his left leg behind the alien's right, grabbed his armor by the collar and rammed his knife once into the Batarian's face, once in his chest, and once in his groin. Shepard let the slaver drop to the ground and ran back out into the main area.

Between the pull field and Akitsu's singularity, almost half of the Batarians had been pulled over the metal plate. Still active, the overload field effectively disarmed the Batarians while the singularity severely inhibited their movement. In the northwest corner, the Engineer and Talens had managed to dispatch their own hatch's Batarians and were using their weapons to shoot down those being pulled in by the singularity.

Shepard kept close to the walls to avoid the effects of the singularity which was weakening by the second. He turned into the next hatch and, using the knuckledusters of his knife to full effect, punched the first Batarian square in the jaw before snapping his hand rightward and driving the blade of the knife into the other Batarian's neck. He reached back with his left hand until he found dying Batarian's gun arm and pulled it forward, firing the gun straight into the chest of the Batarian staggering from the recent blow to his face.

Looking back out into the room, Shepard saw Akitsu lift a Batarian up into the air before Pinnell slammed him back down. Rigby had moved back into the center of the room where he manually finished off any surviving Batarians with deadly efficiency.

Shepard sprinted over to the next hatch where another Batarian waited, his shotgun already out. As Shepard started putting his hands up in false surrender he saw a familiar red blast cause the shotgun to explode.

"You can thank me for that later Lieutenant." Shepard heard from his headset. He made a mental note to buy the young woman coffee sometime.

Shepard moved in, his left hand up near his head, and gave a quick jab to the Batarian's lower abdomen. The alien leaned forward, head down, in defense giving Shepard the opportunity to send one final, fatal blow straight down into the base of the Batarian's neck.

This time, when Shepard looked back out into the main room, the fighting was over. He slowly walked out of his hatch and surveyed the room. Everyone was still there save the two Delta members. Considering the situation, Shepard considered them acceptable losses.

Shepard waited for the rest of the squad to slowly make their way to the center of the room.

"Good work team." The young woman smiled prettily. "But we still need to find a way out of here."

"There's a ladder in the hatch behind me Lieutenant," Akitsu offered.

"Then that's where we'll go. Where's the Major?"

Talens pointed to the far wall where the Major sat curled against the wall. _Guess I wasn't wrong after all_.

"What do you want to do Lieutenant?"

"Give him a gun and leave him here. Once we carry out our orders, we'll return for him," Rigby nodded his head in agreement.

"We can't just leave him up here alone!" Talens pointed out. "Let me stay with him."

"Not happening Corporal. There's a lot more Batarians down there than there are up here. Live ones anyways. Maybe you're forgetting there're only six of us left who can fight. I can't afford to let any one of you stay here and babysit him."

Talens glared at Shepard who responded with a cold, unwavering stare in turn.

The two were interrupted by a voice coming over the loudspeakers _"I don't know how you managed to survive my assault, humans, but it doesn't matter. By the time you reach my current location, I'll have evaded capture once again and you, humans, will be dead."_

_"_What the hell does that mean?" Rigby looked between the other five faces.

"It means whoever is running the show down here has an escape plan," the Engineer said.

"It means we're running out of time. Now show me that ladder."

Author's Note:

Next chapter (I think) will be relatively short. It'll probably be the conclusion of Torfan and _maybe_ some of the political fallout. I definitely don't expect to go into as much detail for ME1/ME2 events since we've obviously already played them and, to be quite frank, I enjoy exploring the unmentioned aspects of Mass Effect, not messing with the canon. I'll probably only follow Shepard's biggest moments and those spaces between missions.

To give those still following this some sense of what to look forward to in the future: the shepard-garrus bromance, religious disputes between shep and Ashley, liara seeing that emptiness within shepard after melding, and wrex's death. What you might not look forward to (depending) is some seriously Tali bashing. What to do about kaidan…


	8. Chapter 8: Torfan, Ruthless

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note:

The last action scene for Torfan is below. Next chapter will be more about Shep's reputation spreading through the Alliance or something like that.

This Is It

_Skyllian Verge, 2178_

"What do you see?" Rigby squatted down inside the hatch. Beside him, Talens body was half inside the round cut out in the floor around the ladder.

"Too dark to be sure. But I can tell you this: whatever's down here is at the end of a very long, very _coverless_ hallway." Talens' upper body hung upside down in the darkness as he looked through the scope of his newly acquired Lightning Strike IV sniper rifle. "Help me up, would you?"

"What do you wanna do LT?" Rigby looked back up at Shepard.

"We're not going anywhere until we figure out what's down there." Shepard paused, considering his options.

"I may have an idea sir." Shepard looked over the Engineer. "Back on the Liepzig when we were looking over the layout I noticed that the blueprints belongs to Kobol Designs."

"What's your point Engineer?"

"My point is that Kobol Designs is the same architecture firm the Alliance contracts to work on some of their own compounds – I worked on a couple during some of my early assignments." At this point the whole squad was standing, watching her expectedly. "Their power grids are built in such a way that they divide the compounds into separate blocks, each with its own power cables. I'm guessing the Batarians cut the cables to the upper floors but left the cables to the lower floors intact."

"What makes you say that?" Rigby asked.

"Because they're still down here and because that overload field is still running." Shepard said.

"If you can get me five minutes with a console with access to the power grid I can either turn on power to that hallway or redirect whatever power's feeding into the overload field."

"And how would we find one of those?"

"It's easy: just look for a wall panel with this symbol," the Engineer drew invisible lines in the air, "and it means there's an access point behind it."

"I've seen a couple of those!" Rigby shouted.

"Yes, so did I. But the problem is finding a panel on a floor where the power hasn't already been cut."

"Then I know where you can go." Shepard looked straight at the Engineer. "On the eighteenth floor when I was trapped in the labs…the emergency lights were flashing and some synthetic voice was counting down."

"The Batarians must have turned on the power when they tried to flush you out."

"With luck they left it like that," Talens stated.

"You said re-enabling the power would take you five minutes?" Shepard's eyes never moved from the Engineer's.

"Yes."

"So the lights will go on the instant you're finished at the console?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"Rigby escort the Engineer to the eighteenth floor, fix the problem, and get back here ASAP."

"You got it, LT."

"The rest of us move in the minute those lights go on. I didn't come all the way down here just to let these guys get away."

After the other two had left, Shepard leaned against the wall of the hatch and waited.

"The Major was telling the truth, wasn't he?" Talens looked towards Shepard.

"About what?" Shepard kept his eyes closed as he spoke.

"That kid."

"Yes."

"If you're willing to tell me the truth now then why didn't you tell the Major?"

"I know you're not stupid, Talens. You know very well why."

Akitsu and Pinnell listened on nervously.

"But you admit you're a murderer." Shepard thought back to the first conversation he had ever had with the old man.

"I killed him because he asked me to."

"What?"

Shepard opened his eyes. "I told the kid what I planned to do. I told him who he could save and who he would kill. He agreed and even asked me to kill him."

"If he asked you then why was it covered up?"

"Using the bodies of nineteen year old boys to plant bombs isn't good for publicity. We told his parents what _would've_ killed him if I hadn't cut short the process."

"They deserved the truth!"

"What, they deserved to be even more unhappy? They deserved the chance to claim that the Alliance is no better than terrorists? What difference does it make in the end? Either way the kid died."

"You lied to them!"

"Let's be fair: the Alliance lied to them. Besides lying, just by itself, is not innately a terrible thing."

"You could at least give the kid respect in death."

"Is that so? I've always been one to think that death is the time when one should care least about showing respect."

"What? What about your parents?" Shepard looked at Talens in silence. "Grandparents?"

"I have neither. But what about you, Talens? Are your grandparents dead?'

"Yes."

"And did you go to their funeral?"

"Well, no. I couldn't get leave."

"So you tell me to respect the dead when you yourself don't?"

"It's different. I would've gone, just…"

"Let me guess: you didn't know your grandparents that well. Lived far away from you? Hardly ever visited?"

"No! Well, yes."

"Did you love them?"

"Yes!"

"Even though you admit you hardly knew them?"

"Yes."

"You don't find that strange? That you'd give your love, a familial love and not just that abstract love-for-all-men type of love, to a pair of people you didn't know? That you loved someone simply because you were told to?"

"They're family. You have to love them."

"If your mother introduced you to a stranger and called him your brother, would you love him?"

"I—"

"Lieutenant. We just located the console. The lights should be up in a few minutes." Shepard heard Rigby's voice come through his headset.

"Copy that." Shepard looked around at the other three members of his squad. "Everyone get ready. I'll take point."

Shepard stepped in front of the ladder and waited. Sure enough the lights below him flickered on within a few minutes. "Rigby, lights are up. I want you and the engineer back down here in five."

"Copy that LT."

Shepard dropped to the ground, lay flat on his stomach, and slid his upper body down the hole in the back of the hatch. Once descended, he pulled out his sniper rifle and looked to the end of corridor. His sights followed the lights that had gone on, dotting both walls along the floor, until he saw, 1200 meters off in the distance, a Batarian climbing into the firing compartment of a large mounted cannon.

He fired off a shot that narrowly missed the Batarian, instead bouncing harmlessly off the cannon's rigid external shell. "Get me up! Now!" Shepard felt himself being pulled roughly back out the hole just as the tip of the cannon glowed azure.

"Everyone get back!" Shepard began counting the seconds in his head.

_One, one thousand._

_Two, one—_

The shot reached to the end of the corridor, melting the ladder on contact, and sent a blue flame up into the hatch. The entire room was rocked and the squad, unprepared for the shot, was sent tumbling to the ground.

"What the fuck was that?" Rigby shouted through the headset.

"Mass accelerator cannon." Shepard responded.

"And by the sound of it, one that's a lot bigger than the one on our Grizzly," the Engineer pointed it out.

"This is suicide!" Talens shouted. "There's only six of us and the only weapons we have must be pea shooters compared to that cannon! Not to mention the only way to go is straight down that corridor. It's a killing ground! Lieutenant, I suggest we move back to the surface and radio the Liepzig for reinforcements."

"Negative, Corporal. By the time we radio the Liepzig and the reinforcements get here, we'll have wasted at least an hour. That's an hour the enemy could use to escape which we already know they plan to do."

"The compound layout didn't show anywhere they could escape _to_. And even if we did, there's about a dozen Alliance starships waiting to take them out."

"The layouts didn't show this corridor either Corporal, let alone where it leads to. Our orders remain – we will wipe out every last slaver in this base."

"But Lieutenant –"

"This conversation is over Corporal."

Talens pressed his lips tightly together and locked his jaw shut.

Shepard saw Rigby and the Engineer emerging from the stairwell and waited for them to reach the hatch before beginning: "Now my sights locked on to that cannon at approximately 1200 meters from our current location. We have a just under two second delay between it powering up for its next shot and it reaching our end of the corridor." Shepard switched to his assault rifle as he spoke. "Two seconds is plenty. The shots will come quickly but their trajectory is nothing but a straight line. Keep your eyes open and get down once you see the slug approaching. I want everyone equipped with rapid-fire weapons. Worst comes to worst you shoot straight at the slug; these things are soft – that's why it didn't punch a hole through that wall."

Shepard looked around at the squad. Obviously, Talens had stirred up some reticence to go down.

"You hear me soldiers?"

After a brief pause, Rigby stepped forward. "We hear you LT. You lead, and we follow." Akitsu, Pinnell, and the Engineer nodded at the statement.

"Corporal?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"Then let's get going." Shepard moved towards the hole and prepared to lower himself down.

"One way drop, huh LT?" Rigby noted.

"Not like we're coming back anyways," Talens muttered under his breath.

As soon as Shepard's feet hit the metal floor below he saw a faint blue light start up at the other end of the corridor. "Get back from the hatch! After the next shot hits I want the next man in here!"

"Copy that LT!" Rigby shouted down into the hole.

Shepard held his rifle against his body and began sprinting forward.

_One._ Shepard saw the blue orb flying towards him.

_Two. _Shepard dropped down, and let his chest touch the floor only momentarily before springing back up.

Shepard heard the projectile reach the back of the corridor. As Shepard put his hand against the wall to steady himself – the force of the explosion was so great the hallway seemed to jerk uncontrollably around him – he heard Rigby's voice through his headset, "Going in LT."

Shepard continued forward. Within another second he could see the familiar blue wisp growing at the back of the corridor. A second later he shouted into his mic, "Everyone drop!" Shepard continued the process for what seemed like ages. After Rigby came the Engineer, then Talens, Akitsu, and finally Pinnell.

"Lieutenant, I'm stuck!" Shepard wasn't the only one who looked back to see the bottom half of Pinnell's upper body dangling from the ceiling on the far end of the passage. "I think my armor's caught on something. Lieutenant!"

"I'll go back for him!" Akitsu screamed into his mic.

"You will not, soldier." Shepard's voice boomed into the squad's radios.

"He'll die!"

"Better the one than both of you! Now keep moving forward!" Akitsu stood frozen in place for a fraction of a second before putting his head down and plunging in after the rest of the squad.

"Everyone down!" Rigby, who had managed to move past Shepard during the exchange dropped to the ground. The blast moved through the space his upper body had occupied just an instant ago and went straight to the back of the corridor.

The squad heard the blood-curdling scream of Pinnell being torn in half. Akitsu looked back to where the biotic had been, and saw a gruesome sight: Pinnell's lower half had been blown from his upper body and its remains – those that hadn't been vaporized instantly on contact – were spattered against the back wall and puddled on the floor. Akitsu looked up and could see Pinnell's upper body, still lodged in the hole, dangling, the innards hanging down towards the floor.

Akitsu became nauseated and, struggling to keep himself from vomiting, failed to hear Shepard yell for the squad to drop down. As he looked back ahead, a bright blue blast hit him square in the chest. Had the rest of the squad not been down on the floor covering their heads, they would've seen Akitsu's body explode instantly. Nothing but blood remained.

"Lieutenant, this is suicide!" Talens shouted forward.

"Keep pushing! We're over halfway there!" Between constantly dropping down, jumping up, and sprinting forward, and the incredible heat being generated in the thin passage by the multiple blasts, Shepard was sweating profusely. He popped up again after the latest shot and heard something peculiar in the momentary lul: a soft whirring and a steady, rhythmic _clank_.

The rest of the squad heard it too. "LT what is that?" Rigby was the one to ask.

"I don't know, but it doesn't change the fact that we still need to get to the end of this passage!"

Rigby nodded and continued forwards. When he saw the familiar blue growing ahead of him he readied himself to drop down. He did, but this time noticed something different: the blast had sounded much closer.

Shepard took a brief glance behind him where the shot had fired into the wall to his left. What he also saw was the young engineer, the left side of her body completely mauled.

"LT, what happened?"

"They shot at the wall knowing the blowback would be enough to kill her." _Her, _Rigby thought. _Damn, and she was pretty cute._

"Keep moving Lance Corporal!"

Rigby did. At this point, the remaining three were only a matter of feet from the barrel of the mounted cannon. The blue of the cannon's tip returned, this time inches from Rigby's face. He quickly moved to the side, right up next to the long barrel, and heard the deafening blast of the slug being released. He groaned out loud, his ears ringing, the world around him shaking. He could faintly hear Shepard screaming for the squad to keep moving. _That's right. Just keep moving. The LT's got my back. _Rigby moved to the door to the firing compartment and swung it open. Inside were two seats, one behind the other. In the front seat sat a Batarian who began pleading for his life.

Rigby grinned. "Sorry. LT's orders." He let off a burst of shots from his rifle straight into the Batarian's head. _Wait, two seats?_

Talens watched as Rigby ran around the right side of the cannon, and Shepard left. He also saw the Batarian who moved out of the shadows behind the Lance Corporal.

Shepard looked through the glass window in the door to the firing compartment. Before his hand had reached the door's handle, Rigby had already dispatched the Batarian sitting inside. But that wasn't why Shepard was reaching for the handle; he, too, could see the Batarian behind him. He watched as Rigby, flashing his victorious smile, was shot point blank in the back of his head.

Less than a second later, Shepard had swung open the door on his side and mercilessly dispatched the Batarian standing on the other side of the cannon.

All the sudden, the room fell into a complete and utter silence.

Shepard looked down at Rigby's body, which had fallen forward into the firing compartment. _It's almost a shame. _

"Rigby!" Talens rushed forward around the right side of the cannon. All he could see were the Lance Corporal's legs, positioned as if they were still standing, sticking out from underneath the open door. Talens quickly went around and gripped onto the back of Rigby's armor, pulling him backward. Sure enough, the dead man's upper body fell back against Talens' own.

Talens saw Rigby's body without its head. He screamed and let it go, and turned around to vomit into the pool of mixed human and Batarian blood already surrounding the cannon.

"Let's finish this." Shepard walked past the cannon towards the single door standing behind it.

"Finish this? That's all you have to say? Everyone's dead! And all you can say is 'let's finish this'? What kind of sick fuck are you?"

Shepard looked at Talens with a bored look on his face. "Our orders –

"Remain! Yes, I fucking know! What are you a fucking robot?" Talens' throat felt raw from screaming. Tears began to stream down his dirtied face.

Shepard had had enough of the Corporal's insubordination. He walked calmly over to where Talens sat, sobbing, and gripped him by the collar. "Don't forget this is still the Alliance, and I'm your superior officer. When I tell you to do something, you do it. They're dead, and we're alive. And now we're going to finish this." Shepard's eyes were brutally cold. Talens stared back into them and was overcome by an intense, crippling terror.

Shepard let go of Talens' collar and watched him stagger backwards.

"Now again, Corporal. Let's finish this."

"Yes, Lieutenant."

Shepard moved to the door and swiped his omnitool over the console. The door hissed open.

The first thing Shepard saw was a single Batarian climbing into a car at the back of the room. The car was situated just inside a horizontal running tunnel that was illuminated with bright blue and white lights.

"Too late, human." Shepard recognized the voice that had come over the loudspeakers earlier, speak out just before the car's doors closed.

"I don't think so." Shepard pulled out his assault rifle with his right hand and started firing nonstop towards the car. With his left hand he pulled out two grenades and sent them towards the car. As he did so, he slowly walked forward.

"Get him! Get him now!" Shepard heard the escaping Batarian's voice echo throughout the room. Yet the Batarians that surrounded Shepard on either side didn't move an inch.

Shepard kept walking forward slowly. Once his assault rifle overheated, he threw it to the ground and pulled the pistol from his hip. With his left hand he continued to throw every remaining grenade he had at the car. The car, which had begun smoking long before Shepard's assault rifle had overheated, was now partially melted and on fire. Before long, the hiss of escaping gas could be heard. Shepard fired one last shot into the car's tank and watched it explode.

Shepard turned to the remaining Batarians. "Drop your weapons, get down on your knees, and put your hands in the air." The slavers did as they were told.

In the far corner, one of them spoke out:

"Please, human. We surrender." Shepard ignored him.

"Lieutenant?"

"What is it Corporal?" Shepard was still watching the car burn, his hands at his sides.

"I'm picking up activity on the short-wave radio."

"What kind of activity?" Shepard turned around just as the single door opened. Instantly, Shepard brought his pistol up in front of him.

"Lieutenant Shepard? We're your reinforcements." Shepard looked at the armor-clad group of soldiers. "Are these the last of them sir?"

"They are."

"We'll radio the Liepzig for extraction, then."

"Negative, soldier."

"Sorry sir?"

"Line up your men." The reinforcement squad leader looked at Shepard curiously before motioning to the rest of his unit. The dozen men lined up along the wall near the door.

"Ready." Shepard stepped back away from the Batarians. The humans had shifted their guns in their arms. The Batarians began looking around, wondering what was going on.

"Aim." The soldiers' guns went up. At this point, there was no doubt of Shepard's intentions. The Batarians began screaming – some pleading for mercy, others getting ready to fight to the death.

Shepard looked on the sight with an unreadable face. "Fire."

The room filled with gunfire. Shepard drew his pistol and shot the nearest Batarian point blank between the eyes. Only when the last slaver had been killed could Shepard be heard:

"Cease fire. All units report back to the SSV Liepzig. Mission complete."

**Author's Note:**

And so Torfan comes to an end. I still plan to post another chapter about the immediate aftermath…I have a few confrontations in mind I'd like to explore.

When I first chose the Ruthless background way back when ME1 first came out, I had always imagined Shepard leading dozens and dozens of men across the wide open space leading this assault on a Batarian stronghold. When I was drafting these chapters, and I looked over some of the Codex entries, I noticed numerous faults with this assumption. For one, there's no way Shep would have had enough authority to lead that many men. Second, it was CQC in an underground facility, Third, Shep was still under the orders of Major Kyle. Fourth, Shep is described as having gotten over ¾ of his squad/unit (the terms are used interchangeably) killed. A squad, by current American military standards, is only ever 4-10 men. I picked 6 for Shep's since that was the capacity of the grizzlies.

Looking back over these last few chapters, I've also asked myself if the combat was too clean. Was it vicious enough? Was it really close quarters? Certainly it has been at times. I've also read a lot of fics that have Shep as being seriously scarred after the events of Torfan. Throughout the earlier stages, I couldn't really picture any one of the fights as being that emotionally scarring. So for this last chapter I really wanted to throw in some gruesome scenes – the type of scenes Shep might have nightmares about. And of course, there was the final scene of hopeless surrender.

It also took me a while to accept the mounted-cannon scene layout. It wasn't close quarters – but I felt I had already covered that to a degree. Also, factually it's somewhat flawed. The mass accelerator cannons, to me, sound like railguns with slugs that are lighter due to reduced mass effect fields. Yet railguns can easily reach speeds of 20km/s. When we think back to the cannon mounted on the Mako, however, the speeds are obviously much slower. This, probably, is just so we can actually see the rockets moved in-game. So I tried to find a middle ground – the gun had to fire fast enough and be deadly enough that it would be futuristic. It had to present a near impossible situation yet one that was still feasible for Shepard to survive.

To wrap this up, I just wanted to say one thing. The events of Torfan are totally left to our, the fans', imaginations. I don't think the Torfan I've depicted is perfect, or anywhere even close, really. I took the first few ideas that came to me, that followed ME canon to a reasonable extent, and could be used later as proof for some kind of change in Shepard. Had I written Torfan, for instance, a month ago, I'm sure it would've been much different.

So I'll stop boring you. Feel free to review or even just comment on how you envisioned Torfan playing out.


	9. Chapter 9: Butcher

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note:

First off, to anyone who read the first version of the last chapter and was subject to plot inconsistencies and simple grammar and spelling mistakes, I apologize. I'll admit it, I committed that terrible taboo of publishing a chapter more or less 'hot off the press.' It was a shit move and it won't happen again.

In other news, this chapter brings Torfan's extensive action sequence to an end. General ruminations begin 2/3 down.

This Is It

_Skyllian Verge, 2178_

The young recruit looked to the man sitting in the passenger seat beside him. His face was caked in what was unmistakably blood. Whether Batarian or human, the recruit couldn't tell, nor was he sure he wanted to. He had seen the destruction this man had left behind. Being part of the reinforcements the Liepzig had sent down after hours of non-contact, he had seen the endless stream of bodies the Lieutenant and his team had left behind them in their raid of the slaver facility. By the time his own unit had reached the bottom level, he had realized just how much the Alliance had underestimated the enemy's forces. That miscalculation had cost too many lives.

Yet this man had lived. This man – Shepard, they called him – had walked out of that final room with nothing more than depleted shields and minor facial lacerations. The recruit had been the one to escort the Lieutenant out of the final room and back to the surface. He had watched the man calmly walk past his fallen comrades without a moment's hesitation. The only time he heard Shepard talk between giving the order to kill the remaining slavers (who had surrendered, hadn't they?) and climbing into one of the Grizzlies parked outside the compound, was when he had asked if the recruit had a replacement helmet for him once they got to the moon's surface.

"_No, I'm afraid not Lieutenant. I can radio back to—"_

"_That won't be necessary, soldier." The recruit watched Shepard walk into the nearby stairwell and squat down on the landing._

"_Sir?" The recruit followed him into the stairwell. When he crossed the threshold, he put his hand to his mouth – his helmet, really, but somehow it still managed to keep him from puking. _It's a massacre, _he thought. Bodies were everywhere, some mauled by bullets and others singed black, reeking of burnt flesh._ _He watched Shepard pull off one of the soldier's helmets and turn it over in his hands. The recruit saw a red cloud burst out of the helmet once Shepard had loosened the neck attachment. When the plume had dispersed, he saw the dust cascading from every orifice of the dead man's face: from the corners of his bulging eyes, the edge of his bloody nostrils, and from the man's ears. The dust had even accumulated between the man's lips and teeth._ _Shepard seemed completely unaware. He stood up, the helmet now tucked under his arm, and started walking off. After a couple of seconds he called back:_

"_What's the hold up, recruit?"_

"Eyes on the road, soldier." The recruit sat up straight, back rigid, and stared at the monitor in front of him intensely. Ever since the recruit first started his assignment on the Liepzig, he had always felt something about Lieutenant Shepard was off. Inhuman even. Now he wholeheartedly believed it.

_Cargo Bay, SSV Liepzig_

Shepard stepped out of the Grizzly back into the Liepzig's cargo bay and started heading towards his locker. Half a dozen M29s were parked around him and were noisily unloading the soldiers from their interiors.

Shepard heard a loud set of footsteps approaching him rapidly from behind.

"Shepard!" _Not this again._

"Care to repeat that Corporal?" Shepard turned around to face Talens.

"Don't fuck with me, Shepard!" All activity in the cargo bay came to a near total halt as the soldiers' eyes were drawn to the confrontation.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?' Shepard said, unforgiving steel in his voice.

"You know what I mean! You got our squad killed and you know it!"

"I did what I had to do Corporal. Nothing less."

"'What you had to do'? You didn't _have_ to send us into that goddamned tunnel!" Talens looked around to the faces of the soldiers that had gathered in a large circle around the two. "You heard me! He _knew_ trying to break through that tunnel would kill us and he did it anyways! He sacrificed _our_ lives, the lives of _our_ friends, and he didn't even need to! The reinforcements were there within minutes! Well?" He looked back at Shepard.

Shepard looked lazily at Talens. "There was no indication reinforcements were anywhere near our position. I made the decision I had to make – the decision I was right to make – when I led us down there." Shepard noticed that the crowd around them had grown thicker; he saw men coming in silently from the stairs. As he spoke, a group of soldiers could be heard whispering somewhere in the crowd behind him:

"_Kaz? What are you doing here?"_

"_We told the captain we wanted to congratulate the man who took out the last of those fuckers from the Blitz and he let us come down. What the fuck's going on?"_

"_Corporal's telling the Lieutenant he got his squad killed on purpose."_

"_What? Give him a break; the man cleared out the entire compound."_

_Another soldier came up beside them. "I don't know man, some of the guys from the reinforcement team said it was basically a slaughter."_

"_You talking about the Batarians?"_

"_What? No, I'm talking about the bodies of his squad. They were literally blown to pieces. What's that about the Batarians?"_

"_I heard that they already surrendered – were kneeling in the middle of the room disarmed and everything – when the Lieutenant gave the order to fire."_

"_No, man, I heard that he trapped the lot of them in the labs and drowned them in acid!"_

"_You guys are _all_ wrong. I was there and I'm telling you he cornered them on the bottom floor and just cut all their throats out!"_

Shepard, as yet unaware of the gossiping taking place behind him, continued to address Talens. "Just because the odds were against us, Corporal, doesn't mean we put our mission on halt. Every man in this room knows what can happen on the battlefield and they're still here anyways. Stupid decisions are made when people like you get personal feelings involved." Shepard delivered his last line matter-of-factly.

Talens fists were clenched, his knuckles paper white. "That's just proof of what a cold, unfeeling bastard you are! You can use whatever the hell excuse you want but it won't change the truth – you butchered those soldiers, and when that wasn't enough you butchered those Batarians too!"

"Captain on deck!" Every soldier in the room turned towards the darkly-skinned officer emerging from the elevator and took the position of attention. The Captain walked briskly across the room until he stood before Shepard.

"At ease, Lieutenant."

Shepard let his hand fall to his side. "Captain Anderson."

"I'm here to congratulate you, Shepard. You did good work down there and I'm going to make sure the right people hear about it."

"Thank you, Captain."

Anderson turned towards the rest of the room. "Every single man and woman on this ship ought to respect the Lieutenant for what he did today. Never have I seen such an exemplary display of honor, courage, and commitment." Anderson's eyes scanned the many faces before him. "Now I want this cargo bay cleaned up by 0600. Lieutenant?"

"Captain."

"I think you've earned some R&R."

_Barracks, SSV Liepzig_

Lying in his bunk, Shepard thought back to the Captain's words: _Honor, Courage, and Commitment. _The Alliance Navy's core values. Shepard knew them well; how could he not when they had been one of the first things they had drilled into his brain during basic training?

When he had first been taught the core values, he had reviewed them carefully to make sure they wouldn't, as the old man had asserted, interfere with his own code.

He had not been disappointed.

Courage he had. As he had proven below the surface of Torfan's moon, he was both willing and able to meet whatever challenge presented itself before him. His loyalty to the Alliance, which they stated belied true courage, was also unwavering. Both Shepard's Code and the Alliance's cores demanded that he make his decisions in the best interest of humanity, and Shepard had honestly come to believe that he could do the most good in the Alliance. Even if everyone else thought otherwise (as Shepard suspected even the old man did), that was what, at Shepard's core, drove him to his every action.

Commitment he had. If following the Alliance's rules were the best way to satisfy his own code, which Shepard believed it was, then he would follow them. He would keep his head down and patiently wait for them to unleash him on the enemy, upon whom he would mercilessly carry out his justice.

Honor…Shepard believed he was an honorable man. The Alliance told him to 'abide by an uncompromising code of integrity' yet failed to define that code for him (this, don't be mistaken, was completely acceptable to Shepard, who simply opted to follow his own code's specificities in areas where the Alliance could offer nothing but obscure generalities). They told him to 'conduct himself in the highest ethical manner,' yet did not say what those ethics were. Yes, certain common ethics were assumed, but they were hardly made explicit (had they been the Alliance would likely be held accountable for 'moral transgressions' on no less than a weekly basis). Nor did the Alliance anywhere prohibit individual delineations of the word.

Shepard knew that he had, to some extent, twisted the Alliance's own mantras to suit his desires. He also knew that he wasn't the only one. Even the Leipzig's beloved captain was just as prone to bending the rules, though his baseline was still a bit too altruistic for Shepard's taste. Still, between the man's readiness to interpret orders in an unconventional manner and his own unquestionable combat and intelligence abilities, Captain Anderson had been one of few men Shepard had come to genuinely respect.

Shepard rolled onto his back and used his arm to cover his eyes, blocking out all light from his vision. As he did, he began replaying the events of Torfan in his head.

_All those deaths were beyond my control_, Shepard thought to himself. _Either they were stupid or careless or…_

_It was just bad luck. _

_No, _Shepard corrected himself. He didn't believe in luck.

But he did believe in fate.

The past was the past. Unchangeable. Irreversible. To dwell on it would be a waste of time. Yes, he would review the events of Torfan, but only to find his mistakes so that he might not commit them again – same as he did after completing all his missions. Anything beyond that…

"_You can't think like that Silas," the old man stated, leaning back in his chair. _

"_Why not?"_

"_Well, for example, don't you think of the City?"_

"_I've answered this question before."_

"_Yes, but never truthfully." The old man grinned and continued smoking his cigar. _

"_What's your point?"_

"_You still think about Earth. Don't you ever wonder why?"_

"_Because it's impossible to forget eighteen years of your life?" Silas responded sarcastically._

"_Because you have questions to which your past holds the answers."_

"_But even if I find those answers, nothing will change. _I_ can't change. I can only pretend to change."_

"_Hmm…"_

No. Shepard regretted nothing. He felt nothing. He wasn't their friend – he was their leader. He would accept what had happened because it was what was meant to happen. Everything was as it was meant to be. They died and he lived.

He lived.

No matter what, Shepard always emerged from his missions relatively unscathed. Not that he assigned any special value to his well-being or, for that matter, prided his existence greatly.

_It must mean something_, Shepard thought to himself. He lifted his arm from his eyes. Yes. Fate was keeping him alive for a reason. Fate needed him to _do_ something. Somewhere existed that single result that would be created from the single causality that was Shepard's continued existence.

It was just a matter of finding out what.

Author's Note:

Ahh, I feel like I've returned to my roots. Inspiration goes to xxxHolic for the concept of Hitsuzen (which was half referenced here as part of Shep's concept of fate). Mass Effect 1 here I come! Seriously though I might have to go back and play the game a little first. I remember romancing Ashley once but was so put off by her character I never did it again. God that was like four years ago.


	10. Chapter 10: Nightmare

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note: And so I begin my trek into ME1 territory.

This Is It

Shepard awoke at the smell of blood. Not that faintly metallic (and at times fishy) smell of fresh blood, but the overpowering, rank smell of blood that has been shed long ago and left to fester. It was a scent Shepard knew well.

Slowly, feeling began returning to his body. First he could hear his heart's steady pounding. Then his neck throbbing. Hunger sitting in his stomach like heavy stone. Then his arms…his legs…the tips of his fingertips…the soles of his feet.

He lightly shifted his hand. Something stuck to his skin. The touch of it was familiar yet he couldn't say what it was.

When sensation had finally managed to creep to his eyes, he opened them. He lifted his hand and, in the dim red lighting, looked in the space where it had just sat.

Skin. Human skin.

Shepards heart began beating rapidly in his chest. He wanted to get up from wherever he was and run as far away as he could. _But I won't. _Slowly, Shepard lifted himself from where he had sat until he stood completely straight, stepped forward twice, and took one slow, silent breath. He turned around.

A chair. No: a throne. He had risen from a throne, every inch of which was covered in human skin. Black, white – they had all been sewn together haphazardly and draped across it. Now Shepard understood why the touch had been familiar. Instantly, every inch of his body that had touched the throne's in some places living, in others rotting surface began to burn with the heightened memory of that sensation.

_Where am I? What is this?_ Shepard's eyes began frantically looking around him though his body remained deathly still.

Nothing. Nothing but that same velvety darkness interspersed with the dim red light that hung throughout the area like a cloud.

Shepard closed his eyes, hoping that if this were a dream it would end when he opened them next. As he held his eyes shut, he heard a steady trickling come from behind him. Shepard stood listening to the rhythmic dripping for a long time before curiosity, along with his own acknowledgement that the dream seemed no closer to ending from his simply standing there, prompted him to open his eyes once more and walk in the direction the sound was coming from.

After only a few steps, Shepard could see a bright red glow emanating from somewhere on the ground in front of him. After a few more, he could see the source.

His feet, covered in some sort of black sludge, now stood at the edge of deep ravine. Looking down, Shepard could see piles and piles of bodies – mostly human, some Batarian – lining the edge of the ravine, reaching nearly to his feet. _I understand now_, Shepard thought. _This…is who I am._

"My soul." Before Shepard had finished speaking the words, a loud, piercing scream came from the bottom of the ravine. Shepard was about to step back when an arm reached out from between the two bodies closest to him and grabbed his ankle. The arm pulled on Shepard violently and flung him forward, down the side of the ravine. Shepard could feel his body being thrashed around violently as he fell the hundred or so feet. He finally tumbled to the floor of the dark chasm and felt his naked body being bathed by a thick, sticky liquid. Blood. Shepard tried to get up quickly, only to slip and fall back down. When he managed to find his balance he began running forward through the thin, twisting passage.

Yet the stream, which when Shepard had first landed was barely two inches deep, starting becoming deeper and deeper, and the ravine narrower and narrower, very rapidly. Within minutes, Shepard found himself wading through the liquid, which now reached up to his waist. The human walls of the ravine had grown markedly closer together, forcing Shepard to turn sideways in order to be able to move forward.

Shepard rounded another sharp corner and was surprised to see, just a few dozen meters in front of him, the throne. _My throne_. He looked behind him and saw darkness. No bodies and no blood; just darkness.

Shepard made his decision and plunged forward. Now the blood was up to his neck and the throne closer than ever. He would have to submerge himself completely if he wanted to reach it. Shepard kept moving forward through the ravine and let the blood wash over his head. As hard as he tried to keep his mouth shut, he could still taste that metallic tinge slipping around inside his mouth. He felt roughly textured steps under his feet and began climbing them. He reemerged from the stream, his naked body now completely red, and ascended the stairs up to his throne.

He sat down and felt the chair's skin cling to his own. He felt as the hands emerged from behind it and grabbed at his body. He closed his eyes and let himself be swallowed.

_SSV Normandy, 2183_

Shepard jerked awake and looked around him.

_A bed?_ What about his pod? He looked to his left – a tall metal cabinet with drawers for clothes and armor, and then to his right – 'SR1' was printed in large white letters across the wall.

_What am I doing in Anderson's quarters?_ Shepard sat up and remembered the last few days.

Eden Prime. The beacon. The Council. Saren. Images of the last 48 hours flickered rapidly through his head.

_That's right,_ Shepard thought to himself. He was a Spectre now. And the commanding officer of the most advanced stealth frigate in the galaxy.

Shepard swung his legs over the left side of the bed and sat up, looking to the clock on the desk just forward and right of him. 3:13. _So much for eight hours. _Shepard reached forward into one of the drawers of the metal cabinet and pulled out some blue Alliance-issue sweats and a gray T-shirt reading 'Alliance Navy' in black and yellow block letters. He got dressed quickly and walked out into the mess.

"Commander."

"Vakarian." Shepard nodded at the turian as he moved passed him towards the chef's counter. He rifled through the fridge behind it until he managed to pull out last night's dinner's leftovers: grilled peach BBQ chicken breast, steamed green beans, and seasoned yellow squash. Decent, but only because they had docked yesterday. From this point on, Shepard knew, eating aboard the Normandy was all downhill. Shepard moved back towards the table and, deciding that sitting away from Vakarian would just be tactless, sat in the seat directly across from him.

Shepard put down his tray and eyed the alien. So far, Shepard hadn't gotten a real opportunity to size up the new additions to his crew. The only things he could say he knew about Garrus Vakarian stemmed from the few short exchanges they had had on the Citadel. _Hot-headed. Reckless. Follows his 'gut.' _ _But_, from what Shepard had seen during their all-out assault on Chora's Den, _not a bad guy to have covering your back. _

"So why're you up Vakarian?" _Time to find out just what I invited onto my ship._

_Scoping me out, human? _"Same reason you are Commander," Garrus responded.

_I doubt it, _Shepard thought. "Saren?"

"You know it. He's out there Shepard. A rogue Spectre running loose with an army of geth. And now the Council itself has given us a green light to hunt him down – our rules, our way. No way I would've ever had that back at C-Sec."

'_Our rules, our way' huh?_ Shepard filed the tidbit away in the back of his mind. "So why'd you join then?"

"C-Sec? Because I was young and idealistic. I wanted to fight injustice. Help people."

"Past tense?"

"No, I still want those things. It's only recently I realized that C-Sec makes it harder, not easier, to do it. The higher you go the more red tape you have to wade through…That's why I came with you Shepard. Spectres get absolute freedom. It doesn't matter _how_ they get things done, just that they get it done."

Shepard found the force of the turian's words reassuring. Instinctively, he had approached the matter warily. He couldn't be sure whether the turian would be a high-minded idealist, intent on avoiding collateral damage at any cost, a die-hard Machiavellian (not that the turian would understand the reference, Shepard was sure), or somewhere in between (though Shepard had had more than just a suspicion based on Vakarian's actions and responses back on the Citadel).

Shepard held the turian's gaze for quite a while before pushing his chair back and standing up. "Good. Now get some sleep. We reach Therum at 0800."

"I can try but…." Shepard looked over from where he stood at the sink, rinsing his dishes.

"You do realize those pods were built exclusively for humans don't you?" Shepard closed the door to the dishwasher and headed back towards his quarters.

"Good night Garrus."

"Night, Shepard."

As the doors to his new quarters closed behind him, Shepard let out a small smirk.

Author's Note:

I basically plan to throw up these vignette type chapters for most of ME1. Since Torfan's actions sequences managed to garner some positive reviews, however, I am more inclined to write up additional action-based chapters. These would probably be original interpretations of side missions particularly those involving Cerberus and the one with Major Kyle (and some shoutbacks to the Reds!).

Again, reviews are always welcome. The more an aspect of the fic gets reviewed, the more likely there'll be more of it!


	11. Chapter 11: Advice

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Shepard climbed out of the Mako into the cargo bay and looked at the newest arrival aboard the Normandy: Liara T'Soni.

He had to admit that when he had first found her trapped within the ruins beneath Therum's surface, he had been somewhat intrigued; it had been the first time he had seen an asari up close. Sure he seen them often enough in the vids and on the Citadel in passing– hell, he had even taken down a few of their commandos in his past tours – but he had never before seen one simply face-to-face. Despite the waved, sculpted skin and shallow grooves running along the species' necks and backs of their heads, their overall physiology undoubtedly resembled that of a human's more than any other Council race. Particularly their faces. This one, Liara…Shepard might even go so far as to call her attractive.

But that was beside the point. Shepard had been in the process of questioning the alien when the millennia old ruin had started to collapse around them. Had Shepard been able to use his last few minutes to finish his questioning T'Soni instead of fighting that damned krogan and his posse of geth, he probably would've left her there.

Why? At first, Shepard himself hadn't been entirely sure. Shepard's actions had always been dictated by what he believed was best for society. This, in turn, was determined by his assigning value to an individual or situation based on what information he had, and prioritizing them based on those values. Yet he had never really weighed the value of a non-human before. Batarians were easy: they were almost always scum. No matter how the information was presented to him, Shepard's decision had always been the same. While Shepard had occasionally faced other races it had always been because they were slavers, raiders, guns for hire, or whatever other waste the galaxy's underground could produce; still, Shepard hadn't built his opinions on said races based on these encounters alone – he acknowledged that the nature of the encounters was simply the by-product of his working for the Alliance.

But the fact that he had been willing to leave her there, Shepard figured, must have been because he himself prioritized humanity over other alien races. A completely acceptable - even expected - disposition for simple Alliance soldiers. And for a Spectre?

Shepard's thoughts returned to the matter at hand. Thanks to the ruin collapsing and his own barely escaping alive, Shepard had had no choice when it came to bringing T'Soni aboard ship. Now he had to decide whether or not to let her stay.

The way Shepard saw it, he couldn't kill T'Soni but he couldn't let her go either. He couldn't be absolutely sure she wasn't working with Benezia, so he couldn't let her go (the fact that kicking her off the ship if she _was_ innocent was basically a death sentence also flickered briefly into Shepard's mind). But if she was, and she knew more than she was letting on, he couldn't kill her.

Shepard was weighing the feasibility of using the asari as a hostage when he heard himself being addressed:

"Commander, scoping out the new guy?" Shepard instantly recognized the distinct flanging of Garrus' voice as he pulled up beside Shepard, having just stowed his weapons in a nearby locker.

"That easy to tell?" Shepard spoke without averting his gaze from the asari who nervously lingered around the armory where the rest of the squad was busy removing the various pieces of their armor.

Garrus gave a short laugh. "You've been burning holes into the back of her fringe for the past ten minutes." Shepard finally glanced over to the turian but didn't respond.

The seconds passed and Garrus sighed and leaned back against the Mako, his arms crossed. "You know Shepard, you may be our commander but we're still your squad. You don't have to decide everything alone." The turian spoke steadily and without malice. Still feeling Shepard's hard gaze upon him, Garrus continued. "Now, as for Dr. T'Soni…I say we keep her. We can use her knowledge on the Protheans and her biotics. If she _is_ working for Saren—Which I doubt by the way. My guess is that she's as naïve as she is lonely. But if she is, and she decides not to behave, we take her out."

To say that Shepard had been caught off guard by the turian's openness would've been an understatement. He couldn't even remember the last time a subordinate had spoken to him without first being spoken to – a courtesy, he was sure, of that lasting nickname: the Butcher of Torfan. Yet Vakarian had not only approached him, he had even offered him advice, and on more than just the good doctor. Shepard, however, who would have normally had such a subordinate pay dearly for their actions, actually felt himself somewhat reassured by the turian's words. Ever since the old man had passed (_How many years ago was that again? Happened not too long after Torfan…)_ Shepard had made his decisions alone, as he could never trust the motivations or biases of those around him. He made his decisions based on the Code, though whenever his superiors would ask he would always say the same thing: everything was done for the sake of the mission. He couldn't reveal his truth, he knew, because no one would be able to accept it. But Vakarian…Shepard felt as though he shared some connection with the older turian. And though he had no intention of revealing his past to Garrus (or anyone else aboard the Normandy) anytime soon, Shepard believed he could, for now, trust him to speak honestly.

"Good to know." The words came from his mouth more brusquely than he had intended, but then again Shepard wasn't one who knew how to convey what he felt through what he said, mostly because the two had been so far removed from each other for so long he had never really had to.

Shepard began walking toward the cargo bay elevator, ready to get out of his Alliance issue Mantis heavy armor. When he had crossed about half the distance he paused, turned around, and said: "You know Garrus, I don't know how I managed to assemble a squad of aliens let alone start taking advice from a turian." Shepard saw Garrus twitch his mandibles in what he was sure must've been at least a smirk before he continued to the elevator.

Shepard got into the elevator and, as the door began to shut in front of him, barked out: "I want everyone in the comm room for the debriefing in five."

Author's Note:

So initially I had written this chapter hoping to get some mind melding between Shep and Liara happen so that I could explore a shep who's had his deepest sense of self penetrated by an alien he barely knew. Then I got to the point where he's getting pulled from his thoughts when I remember 'oh yea, that didn't happen until after feros.' But half of this had already been written and it kinda touched some points I liked so I figured id just go with it. Garrus is a boss and I love the idea of a Shep-Garrus bromance. I also feel like it just wouldn't happen with a paragon shep. I mean that type of shep just keeps shutting Garrus down and basically tells Garrus that no you don't want to kill dr. saleon or sidonis. Then Garrus just buys into shepards shit and that's that.

Anyways, now that liara's onboard all the Normandy squad is together and I'll be checking out other possible relationships as time goes on. And I do plan on flushing out logan's death since it's kind of a big deal. Also hoping to see talens again since that wasn't really fully resolved.


	12. Chapter 12: Universality

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note: Ashley….what a xenophobe.

This Is It

As the Council's holos flickered out, Shepard turned and stepped out of the comm room.

"Commander?" Shepard looked to his left and saw Ashley Williams standing just outside the room's entrance.

"Gunnery Chief." Ashley's face visibly fell at Shepard's use of her rank instead of her name. Ever since her arrival aboard the Normandy the man had been, as far as she could tell, completely indifferent to her. When he had awoken following the events on Eden Prime she had expected anger or even gratitude, yet all the man had done was ask her what she was doing on the Normandy, confirmed her answer with Captain Anderson, and proceeded to discuss with his commanding officer what course of action the crew should take regarding Saren and the beacon. Having been part of the ground team, she had gone together with Shepard and Alenko to meet with the ambassador on the Citadel, but once the investigation on Saren had gotten underway she had been promptly sent back to the Normandy so that Shepard could keep that turian with him – the same turian he had just been _joking_ with down in the cargo bay.

She was frustrated that she was letting the whole situation get to her so much. Something about Shepard made her _want_ his respect. Was it because he was a living legend within the Alliance military? News of what he had done at Torfan had spread through the navy like wildfire, and the raid he led on the final Batarian compound was now a case study at human military bases across the galaxy. No, she concluded. It was the man himself. On the battlefield, Shepard operated perfectly. He dispatched enemies quickly, efficiently, and mercilessly, always sure to leave no one alive. He was as deadly with a sniper as he was with his bare hands, and was always in perfect control of himself.

His constant, tireless perfection drove both her and the rest of the crew to be better. With every passing day and every new mission, the drive he inspired within her only grew stronger. He made her believe that it wasn't a matter of _if_ they would catch Saren, but _when_ they would catch him.

"There's something I want to talk to you about." Shepard's gaze remained trained on her. She glanced over to where the turian stood near the galaxy map, politely chatting with one of the navigators. "In private."

In his characteristically stolid voice, Shepard said 'Come' and started walking to his right where the staircase led down to the mess. Shepard's strides were slow and long – Ashley had never seen the Commander once act hurried – yet Ashley had to hurry herself to keep up. They moved across the mess, past Liara who was carrying a tray of food towards the med bay, and briefly paused in front of the entrance to the Captain's quarters as Shepard typed a code into the console and waited for the doors to open.

Once inside, Shepard waited for the door to close before turning to the other marine.

"Go ahead."

"It's the aliens, sir. With all due respect, should they really have free reign to poke around the ship?"

"You don't trust them?"

"It's not tha-"

"It was a yes or no question, marine."

Ashley locked her jaw before responding, "No, sir."

"Because?"

"Because humanity has to learn to rely on itself. We can't trust other races." She looked up tentatively at Shepard and when he made no motion to stop her, she continued. "Look. If you're fighting a bear…"

Shepard watched the marine's mouth move, her hands' crude gestures, the conviction in her eyes.

_It seems like no matter what I do, _Shepard thought to himself, _this keeps coming back to the surface_.

What did it mean, now that he was a Spectre?

By Shepard's understanding, the decision to make him a Spectre was more a symbolic, political gesture than anything. The Council gets to avoid full-out war with the Terminus systems and Udina gets his human Spectre. As for chasing Saren, well, any Spectre could have done that couldn't they?

In fact, Shepard's appointment had come so unexpectedly, he wasn't even sure what a Spectre even was. Behind all the fancy rhetoric, Shepard had come away with one truth: Spectres are the Council's legally approved, personal mercenaries who get the added benefit of not having to obey any law.

"…members of their own species will always be more important to them than we are…"

_That too._ Shepard had concluded before that the fact that he would have left the asari behind stemmed from some ingrained belief that humanity was more important than all else. Hardly a conscious decision. And while Shepard didn't deny the fact that the subconscious existed, he was not willing to let some unknown, inaccessible force dictate his actions.

No, he would follow the Code. But what did the Code really say about non-humans? Nothing.

_But it doesn't have to._ The Code was a set of rules Shepard adhered to for every decision he made. Formed so that Shepard could bypass the moral hindrances that kept people from achieving true progress, the Code guided him in his actions and kept him from going out of control. Yet somewhere along the line, he had arbitrarily assumed that 'people' meant 'humans.'

He knew now that he had been wrong. The Code was universal and his status as a Spectre was the vessel that would allow him to implement it at his will – in any cluster against any race. He realized now that race said nothing about one's worth and to assume that the lowest of humans was worth more than the lowest of Batarians was a corruption of the Code, of himself.

"_You know, Si….sometimes your Code is as noble as it is cruel." _

"Commander?" Shepard had barely begun to see the old man's cigar come into focus when he was pulled back into reality by William's voice. His eyes glanced around the room, confirming his location, before he looked the marine straight in the eyes.

"You're out of line, Williams. It's one thing not to trust someone when you first meet them; it's another to immediately assume that they're your enemy." Shepard paused briefly and watched as his words sunk in to the young marine before he continued. "Garrus, Wrex, and Tali are all here for the same reason: to stop Saren. Assuming that they're here for any other reason is ridiculous. First of all, the Normandy is a joint human-turian project – Vakarian couldn't tell the Turian Hierarchy anything they wouldn't already know and that's assuming your insinuation that he's some kind of spy is accurate. Second, Krogans rarely have political motives and third…Considering that the Quarian Fleet is essentially a heap of scrap metal, they're hardly a threat. Don't think that the Alliance hasn't got some plan of attack locked away in a vault somewhere. My guess is one that consists of a pre-emptive or second-strike attack straight into their Liveships."

Shepard started walking to the door as he continued to speak. "Now I don't care what you think about the rest of the squad, Williams. But if I think it's going to compromise our success on the field, you can expect a prompt reassignment to a security detail out on some remote colony." Shepard stopped as the door opened and turned to face Ashley. "Understood?"

"Yes, Commander." Ashley put her hand up in salute and once she heard Shepard say 'dismissed' proceeded out of his quarters and into the mess.

Author's Note:

To anyone who's an Ashley fan out there, yea this chapter might have come across as a bit harsh. To this I can only say: one, at this point Shep isn't _too_ close with anyone on his squad and considering who he is, his actions shouldn't be too unexpected. Especially since he's come to some new conclusions about the Code, it would be natural for him to get a little irked with Ashley, whose views contradict his own. Anyways, the relationship between the two won't stay like this forever so worry not.

To Tali fan's: I think I promised some Tali bashing a while back. That may have been an exaggeration. I'm trying to bring shep closer to the rest of the squad, including Tali. Not that it'll happen right away. Also, I realize that Tali fans are something of a majority (though perhaps not for this fic since it is labeled as Shep/Miri) and I just wanted to throw out that I am toying with the idea of romantic subtexts.

Mostly I'm just trying to get these relationships started and show how Shep's interactions with the crew is kind of shaping him into who he is. He's not coming in as the perfect leader (while that might've been mentioned early in this chapter, remember that that was just Ashley's perception of things) right away. R&R!


	13. Chapter 13: Team

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Garrus guided the Mako along the icy, twisting roads hugging the mountainside as the squad returned from Peak 15 to the port where the Normandy was docked. Night had finally fallen and the storm had picked up, its loud whistling winds beating against the Mako's hull and rocking the vehicle back and forth.

The Mako's interior, however, was uncomfortably warm and quiet. Garrus glanced around and, though the only light inside was the red glow coming from the navigation monitors, he could clearly see the tired expressions of his squad mates. And who could blame them? Even Wrex had been worn down by the dozens of consecutive hours it had taken the team to trek across Noveria's frozen surface, wade through hordes of rachni and geth, escape the purge, and fight off a platoon of asari commandoes. His eyes even seemed smaller and more sunken than normal, and his normally proudly lifted chin hung closer to his chest. Tali's faceplate was leaning against the left side of the Mako just behind where Garrus sat, her chest noticeably rising and falling. The mission had caused them to rely more on Alenko's biotics then they had initially expected, and he now sat with his head forward, hanging above his bent legs, and his right hand gently massaging the back of his neck where his L2 implant was. Then there was Liara, who had worn the same dazed, silent expression ever since she had watched her mother die in front of her, because of her.

And Shepard. More than anything, it was Shepard that was worrying Garrus at the moment. His normally stoic Commander sat leaning forward, his hand covering his eyes, squeezing at his temples – hardly the rigid posture and unrelenting forward stare Garrus was accustomed to. No one had questioned Shepard's decision to let the Rachni Queen live. No one but the man himself.

For the first time in his life, Shepard was unsure of himself. He had let the Queen live, but he wasn't entirely sure why.

The uncertainty was eating away at him. Every decision he had ever made had been done with, what was in his mind, absolute clarity. Every situation he had ever encountered had gone up against his Code, and each time the choices he needed to make were unequivocal – as was his resolve.

But now the connecting line between his Code and his decision to let her live was unclear. So Shepard sat in the Mako, desperately scrambling to find that line, because if he didn't, if he let that line blur and fade away, he felt as though he would lose his Code. And without his Code, he would have nothing.

Standing in front of that tank, what had he first thought? From behind him he had heard one voice, angry, telling him to kill the Rachni, that he had to unless he wanted to unleash another three century long war upon the galaxy. And then another, saying no, it was genocide, and it wasn't his decision.

Yet how many times had Shepard cut short some one else's fate? And what was one more?

_This was different. _It wasn't the fate of one man he was talking about; it was the fate of a whole race.

But wasn't that all the more reason Shepard _should_ have been the one to make the decision? Hadn't he always prided himself on making the tough decisions no one else was willing to?

_But a whole race…a whole race carries the possibility for infinite potential._

Or infinite horror.

Hadn't he just told Williams the other day that it was wrong to assume someone was your enemy the first time you met them?

But this wasn't the first time Citadel space had ever interacted with the Rachni. They've already proved how hostile they can be.

_But can you blame them?_ What had caused the Rachni Wars in the first place? Curious Council races, eager to expand, had passed through an uncharted Mass Relay and unintentionally triggered a galactic war. Weren't the Rachni right to defend themselves against a perceived threat? Wouldn't the Council have done the same thing? Wasn't the only reason the war continued because there was no way to establish diplomatic channels with the Rachni Queens who were hidden in nests, deep under the hostile surface of their home planet? The Rachni War was a war that nobody wanted, but nobody knew how to end.

Shepard's Code allowed him to kill the leeches of society – that was what he had done with the Reds. And it allowed him to kill criminals – that was what he did for the Alliance. Were the Rachni criminals? Shepard killed slavers and thieves and murderers because they hurt innocents. They hurt them because they could, not because they had to; because of avarice or stupidity or irrationality. The Rachni were none of those things.

Shepard's Code was above any one race. Just as he refused to show favoritism to humanity, he would refuse to show favoritism to the Council races. He would not kill the Rachni just because the Council and the krogans held a vendetta.

But what if the Rachni had continued attacking the Council races not out of defense, but out of a genuine desire to exterminate them? In that case, the Code was clear. Shepard had to kill her.

_But she claims…._What? That a 'sour note' had misled them? Why should Shepard believe the pleading words of a Queen whose life rested in his hands?

_Benezia._ She had been proof of Saren's indoctrination, hadn't she? The Rachni could've very well fallen victim to the same thing.

Shepard, however, still couldn't deny the possibility that Benezia hadn't been indoctrinated. She could very well have given him the location of the Mu Relay in a last ditch attempt to find redemption.

Each was possible. Each would dictate a different course of action by his Code. But only one was the truth, and Shepard's Code never taught him to separate truth from lies.

So he had made his decision. His Code had done the rest.

When Shepard finally reemerged from his thoughts, he and the five others he had brought to Peak 15 were wearily walking down the length of Port Hanshan's dock, the night sky visible through the glass wall on their right, the sleek exterior of the Normandy, gleaming in the moonlight, on their left.

Shepard was exhausted, and not just from the last day and half's events.

As the squad stood in the airlock waiting for the dual decontamination/pressure equalizing process to finish, Garrus said:

"Is anyone else here starving?"

The rest of the squad had glanced at Shepard who stood closest to the Normandy's entrance, wondering what the Commander would say if they responded when Shepard answered for them.

Shepard pushed the compression locks in his armor, pulled his front chest plate off, and turned to the turian on his right.

"Hell yes." Shepard slung the top half of his armor he had removed over his shoulder, and turned to look at the other members of his squad behind him, revealing the sweat-drenched, tight, dark blue Alliance-issue long-sleeve shirt he wore underneath. "What about the rest of you? Alenko?"

"I'm a biotic, sir. I'll eat anything you put in front of me."

"Good. Wrex, you're a given." The krogan chuckled. "Liara, you'll be joining us, Captain's orders. Same goes for you Tali." Hearing Shepard's surprisingly playful tone, Liara finally woke up from her daze. Tali was simply shocked that Shepard had remembered her name, let alone called her by it – the two hadn't spoken since Udina practically forced her on Shepard's team.

The decompression finally ended and Shepard strode inside. On his left, Joker was sleeping at the cockpit.

Lowering his voice, Shepard looked over to Garrus. "Vakarian, what's the time?"

"Just after three in the morning, Shepard. My guess is that most of the crew is sleeping, including the cook."

"Fine. I'll cook." Shepard started walking through the CIC when he heard a fit of laughing-turn-coughing coming from behind him. "What?"

"Sorry, Commander. But you? Cooking?" Kaidan couldn't help but let a wide grin slide across his face. Even Liara held her hand to her mouth, trying her best to stifle her laughter in what she hoped was a polite clearing of her throat.

"Yes me, cooking. Now c'mon, you guys hungry or not?"

Tali looked nervously towards Garrus, who was still chuckling as he walked around the galaxy map behind Shepard. Garrus saw the young quarian begin nervously wringing her hands when he tapped Shepard on the shoulder.

"I sincerely hope you're not trying to kill us, Shepard," Garrus started motioning to himself and Tali, "since we are-"

"Yea, yea I know. Dextro-amino acid based, right?" Shepard looked over at the turian whose mouth hung slightly ajar. Shepard sighed. "One of these days you guys need to realize that not every member of humanity is an ignorant, geneocentric asshole." Shepard lifted his eyebrows and shifted his glance from Garrus to Tali.

Under her facemask, Tali blushed.

"But unless you really do want me to kill you guys, I suggest we let Garrus handle the dextro stuff. Alenko!"

"Yes, Commander?" Kaidan jogged over to where Shepard stood, talking with the turian.

"Go wake up the Chief and tell her I want her in the mess ASAP."

Kaidan smirked. "Aye, aye Commander."

Over the next hour or so, the loud clanks of pots and pans, trips and falls (_What the hell is this puddle of water doing here? It was Garrus. He tried to get Wrex to wash the dishes, sir._), screams (_I don't need rocks to digest my food, you bosh'tet!)_, laughs (_Hey, hey, hey! Watch the fringe.) _and general chaos could be heard coming from the Normandy's mess hall. By the time the squad had settled down to eat, every table had been covered corner to corner with platters of food and carafes of water.

Garrus, sitting on Shepard's (now dressed in a white short sleeve shirt and Alliance sweats) right, finished chewing the food in his mouth and looked to Liara who was sitting across from him.

"So how you holding up Liara?"

"I'm fine, Garrus. Really." Garrus looked at the asari with concern.

Shepard, who had just shoveled a forkful of pie into his mouth, felt a very sharp, very _turian_, jab in his ribs. He sighed, swallowed and looked over to the other side of the table.

"You don't have to be fine Liara. We're a team, and if you can't talk to us then who else is there really?"

It seemed that just that small bit of encouragement was all the asari needed. "It's just…I don't know who to blame."

"How about Saren?" Wrex growled, before he turned to the next platter he planned to devour.

"I do blame Saren. And sometimes I blame Benezia. But more than anything, I just miss her."

Tali, who was seated besides Liara and across from Garrus, seemed to pause a moment before she spoke. "I know what you're feeling…Liara. I mean, you're not alone. I lost my mother too."

"Oh please," Wrex reached across the table for the remainder of the pork chops. "I _killed_ my father. Sunk a dagger right into his chest."

"Geez, and I thought just being estranged from my dad was bad." Ashley, who had been sitting at another table in the mess, brought her plate and sat down to Shepard's left. Recognizing the familiar, earthy smell, Shepard turned towards Ashley and let out a small half smile. _What the hell is going on with me?_

Garrus leaned forward and looked towards the marine, "You're not going to start reciting Tennyson are you?"

Ashley's eyes widened and she looked over to Shepard, her chin nearly reaching her shoulder. "Skipper, you didn't…"

Shepard looked back at her, their faces mere inches from each other, and said in a low, devilish voice, "Afraid I did."

Ashley couldn't help but grin at (what she thought were) the Commander's flirtations, especially considering the less than friendly conversation she had had with him just days ago.

"What about you Garrus?" Liara piped up, taking part in the boisterous atmosphere.

"Me? Well, my father was a military man—"

"Aren't all turians?" Wrex pointed out. Garrus glared briefly at the one ton krogan, eliciting a chuckle, before he continued.

"He always worked by the book. But me—

"Anything but." Shepard said through a mouthful of mashed potatoes and peas.

Garrus pursed his lips (or at least that's what Shepard imagined the expression would have been had Garrus been a human) and said: "Yes. So obviously we've never really gotten along well."

"Hey, LT. Your turn." Ashley called out, swiping the Maraschino cherry from atop Shepard's latest dessert (the Commander, as it turned out, was the biggest sweet tooth by far among the seven of them). When Shepard turned back from Garrus to his plate his face took on the same dark look as when Benezia sent out her third pair of asari commandos.

Kaidan sighed. "Can't say much. They were basically forced to let the Alliance put me in the BAat and they passed before I got out."

Suddenly, Shepard felt six pairs of eyes wandering towards where he sat. He looked around the table and put down his fork.

"Never had parents. Been an orphan as long as I can remember." Shepard's voice came out gravelly though he hadn't intended it to.

Tali's voice was the first to speak. "So you've never had anyone? No family, nothing?"

Thoughts of the old man came rushing into Shepard's mind. But he couldn't tell them, could he? He had never told anyone. The old man was the one link to his past. He was dead, and to Shepard, that meant so were his days on Earth.

Despite himself, Shepard said: "There was…someone. But they died a long time ago." Shepard looked around again at the expectant eyes. He stood up and let a weak smile lift the corner of his mouth. "And that's all you guys are going to get."

To the many groans of 'But Commander' and 'C'mon now Shepard,' Shepard picked up his dishes and started heading to the sink. "Let's get these dishes done and get some sleep."

The rest of the squad, realizing that Shepard was finished and tired enough now that they had been fed, followed Shepard's lead and started clearing the tables. When the last few dishes were cleaned, Garrus walked over to Shepard who was leaning against one of the ship's support beams.

"Shepard?"

"Yea?"

"What do you want us to do about that?" Garrus pointed to the pile of various pieces of armors strewn around the area in front of the med bay door. Shepard looked over to the squad, particularly Tali whose facemask kept slowly leaning forward before jerking back as she stood.

"We'll get it in the morning."

"Aye, aye Commander."

Author's Note:

So Shep's finally opening up. I know that he's been really dark in some chapters but in the end, that's not who Shep really _is_. I'm hoping that the change wasn't too sudden. At the same time, the entire chase for Saren didn't last long yet Shep formed lasting ties with all his squad didn't he? Well anyways, I'm still pleased in the direction it's going in though if anyone disagrees FEEL FREE TO REVIEW. Also, my thinking is that he starts being a little more himself with the crew but all of that progress gets lost, in a way, after he dies for ME2.


	14. Chapter 14: Open

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Shepard opened his eyes and saw nothing but black. Shifting slightly, he soon recognized the familiar scratch of Alliance sheets rubbing against his lower body and heard the papery crinkle of his pillow's covers as he buried his face deeper into the hard cushion. Shepard's left arm was bent under his pillow, his hand lightly gripping his Kessler. His right arm was splayed across the narrow bed, dangling over its side. _Hardly an upgrade over the sleeper pods. _Shepard sighed.

He began replaying the last few days' events over in his head, and while he could practically feel his knife dragging through the rachni soldier's exoskeleton or his gloved hand reaching into its innards from when he had stopped his squad so that he could figure out where, anatomically, the enemies' weak points were, the events that had passed once he had returned to the Normandy were almost surreal. Had that really been him? The, dare he say, lively commander who had prepared a small feast for his squad, who had listened to stories of the Alliance's cruelty at the BAat, of a krogan's three day hunt of an asari mercenary, who had challenged Garrus to an arm-wrestling match, and attempted to teach Liara how to make a credible threat?

_Wonder what the old man would've said about that._

Shepard had always found it difficult to relate to others. He had simply never been able to feel great emotion the way others did: excitement, anger, jealousy, pleasure, each rarely ever more than a dull itch. For the longest time back on Earth, Shepard had been motivated merely by survival. Beyond that, he hadn't felt a strong desire to do anything. Perhaps that was why his Code had first started to form. It gave him purpose. It told him what he had to do; it created obligation where Shepard lacked emotional investment.

Yet somehow last night (which was really that morning), somewhere between shooting down geth, blowing up rachni, exchanging stories and realizing that each of them was somehow fragmented or empty, Shepard had felt himself grow closer to them. He had let them see, however briefly, a part of him he had intended to always keep hidden. He had just let himself _be_ instead of controlling every word and every motion.

_Whoever that was, _Shepard thought to himself_, I don't know him. And I can't trust him._

But did he want to?

Shepard gripped his Kessler until his knuckles turned a pale white. He finally let go and pushed the thought to the back of his mind. Shepard rose out of bed and, as he had already decided to give the squad a 24-hour break after their mission on Noveria, resolved to get some errands done aboard the ship.

Ashley and Garrus had been in the mess arguing over what gun they would take if trapped on a deserted planet when they saw Shepard emerge from the captain's quarters.

"Hey, Commander!" Ashley shouted out, waving Shepard over with her fork.

Shepard looked at the two and felt time grind to a stop around him. What would he do? Reproach the Chief for her informal conduct? Eat alone and in silence the way he normally did? Or would he become the Commander everyone had opened up to and who himself had opened up to them, once more?

Garrus eyed Shepard, correctly guessing what had caused the momentary pause. "C'mon Shepard. What's there to be afraid of?"

_Nothing_. The hunt for Saren, his choices, his squad – they had shown him that he did exist beyond his Code. And while he didn't plan to share his Code soon, let alone sacrifice it, there was no reason why he couldn't reveal that other part of himself to a team that had sacrificed life and limb for him and for their common goal on a daily basis.

Shepard, his expression still hardened, strode over to where the other two sat. Ashley glanced briefly at Garrus, straightened her back, and took her elbows off the table.

"Chief." Shepard was now a matter of feet from her. The change in her eyes showed that she clearly remembered the last time Shepard had started a conversation with her rank.

Shepard reached out for the back of the chair next to Ashley's and fluidly turned it around so that the back faced the table's edge. He swung a leg over one side, sat down, and reached for the last piece of fruit in the Gunnery Chief's bowl.

Sinking his teeth into the surprisingly (for Alliance standards) succulent strawberry, Shepard looked at Ashley and said: "Oh yeah. Don't think I didn't know."

Ash met and held Shepard's piercing gaze and grinned. Suddenly aware of the turian clearing his throat across the table, she swallowed and looked back at Vakarian.

"Seriously, Garrus, who would bring a sniper rifle to a deserted planet?"

Author's Note:

Pretty short chapter, I know. I actually planned to release it earlier but it turns out that, about an hour after I got home to stay for the weekend, the power and the heat went out. = cold, dark, and worst of all Wi-Fi-less.

At any rate, I've got the next 3-4 chapters planned out and they should all come out over this next week.


	15. Chapter 15: Pirate Interlude, Boarding

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

Author's Note: So I've decided to do some more action chapters related to an original, albeit still relatively inconsequential, side mission. My ultimate goal is to use this to branch off into another chapter where Shep and Wrex get talking while kicking major ass.

This Is It

Shepard leaned back and stretched his arms, his body considerably stiffened after sitting at his terminal and reviewing the numerous reports on navigation, ship integrity, cargo, personnel, inventory, and more that the Normandy crew, Alliance High Command, and galactic customs officials had flooded his inbox with. _And not even halfway done._ Apparently risking life and limb to hunt down infamous criminals with legions of geth at their beck and call didn't preclude one from doing paperwork.

"Uhh Commander. You probably want to head up to the bridge." Shepard heard Joker's voice coming in over the comm link in his room. _Strange_, he thought. Normally, Joker only ever contacted him through the comm when they were about to land, which – considering that the team had just been given 24 hours of R&R following their mission on Noveria and that Shepard had ordered Joker to stay in the orbit of Antitarra in the nearby Strenuus system while the Normandy conducted mineral surveys – was highly unlikely. Shepard stood up and began walking briskly to the bridge.

"What is it?" Shepard demanded once he arrived in the cockpit.

"Just received an distress signal from a nearby merchant ship. Only got a part of it though, before it cut off."

"Play it back."

"_This is the MSV Paracel signaling all nearby ships! We're currently located in the Strenuus system; __longitude 409° 11__′__ 39.5__″__, latitude −0° 2__′__ 18.3__″! We're currently taking heavy fire from multiple enemy fighter crafts, affiliation unkn—"_ Shepard and Joker listened to a loud metal screeching interrupt the transmission. _"—twenty-three crew—requesting immediate assiss—fuck! They're on the ship! Repeat: this is—"_

The playback ended abruptly. Joker turned his head to the side to look at Shepard: "My guess is –"

"Whoever it is shot out the comm buoy." Joker nodded. Shepard straightened his back and turned towards the CIC. "Move towards their location Joker, and run the Normandy quiet: they don't know we're here – let's keep it that way. Alert the squad and have them meet me in the comm room in five."

"Aye aye, Commander."

Shepard turned his head left then right until he heard a familiar _crack_. _Needed a break from the paperwork anyways._

Shepard was surprised to find most of his squad already waiting in the conference room when he stepped over the room's threshold. He let out a small laugh. _These guys are just as bad at R&R as I am._

"So I heard we have a probable hijacking?" Garrus was sitting in one of the comm room's chairs, already geared up (at which Shepard held back another short laugh), and leaning forward on his sniper rifle whose butt lay flat against the metal floor.

"Pirates are probably Batarian. Who else is stupid enough to hijack a ship this far into Council space?" Ashley said derisively.

"Batarians? Good. I miss the sound of screaming right before a kill." Wrex grinned from where he sat, his arms crossed over his chest.

The krogan's gleeful interjection caused Tali to tense up visibly.

"Settle down, team." Shepard waited for Kaidan and Liara, who had entered the room during the others' brief back-and-forth, to sit before continuing:

"We're about 20 minutes out from a merchant vessel, the MSV Paracel, who's been attacked and boarded by multiple contacts flying in unidentified fighter crafts. Joker!"

"Right here Commander," came in the pilot's voice over the comm link.

"Once we get within range, I want you to immediately begin a counteroffensive against any fighters not already boarded the merchant vessel."

"You got it, Shepard."

Turning back to the squad, Shepard continued: "Once all free flying craft within the Normandy's ladar have been disabled, we will exit through the Normandy's portside airlock and rappel down to the merchant ship. We get through their defenses –" at this point Shepard looked to Tali who nodded back, "we board the ship and we proceed to permanently disable all hostile personnel."

Shepard looked around the room to confirm that his orders thus far had been understood. "These fighters had to come from somewhere; these pirates probably have a carrier they're keeping out of range until they've secured the Paracel. Once we've cleared out the ship, we regroup, and figure out what to do from there. I want everyone suited up and ready at the airlock at 1400 sharp. Dismissed."

Ten minutes later, Shepard stood inside the portside airlock with the rest of his crew, the door leading to the near perfect vacuum of outer space in front of him, the door leading back into the Normandy's interior behind him. He maintained a steady balance even as he felt the Normandy pitch, roll, and yaw as Joker hunted his prey. Once Joker had finished his whooping and ego boosting, Shepard heard his voice come into his headset:

"All clear, Commander."

Shepard squatted down and enabled the magnetic field generators built into the soles of his boots. Once the rest of his squad had done the same, he put his gloved hand to the switch beside the airlock's door and watched it slide open. Reaching behind him with his right hand, he waited for a long, metallic, handled tube very much resembling a bazooka to be handed to him. Once it had been, he held the forward handles with his left and right hands and positioned the back end of the bazooka across his right shoulder. He peered out towards the merchant vessel hovering just hundreds of yards below him, and fired. Garrus came up beside him, and together they watched the small metal rocket zoom through space, leaving the small wisps of released pressurized air and rapidly extending steel-fiber cord tailing behind it.

A small light on the bazooka went on, indicating that the rocket had made contact and successfully dug into the Paracel's hull. Shepard passed the bazooka to Garrus who hoisted it up towards the ceiling of the Normandy's airlock and flicked another switch, causing the long side of the bazooka to latch firmly to the Normandy. He looked back to Shepard and nodded.

After hooking his harness to the cord, Shepard gripped the rope with his right hand, and disabled the magnetic fields of his boots with his left. He felt his feet start rising up behind him almost immediately and quickly turned to grip onto the cord with both hands. Slowly, he began pulling himself along the cord towards the vessel lying in wait below.

Shepard was the first to reach the other ship, with Tali following close behind. Shepard, who had already unbuckled his harness and re-magnetized his boots, had reached out to the quarian, grasping her three-digited hand in his own so she could more easily unbuckle herself. Shepard then waited for Ashley to disconnect herself from the cord and left her to oversee the others' progress while he and Tali moved towards the nearest airlock.

Once Tali found the necessary console, Shepard squatted down beside her and watched her fingers glide effortlessly across her omnitool; the airlock's security walls were down in minutes. Shepard had to admit that, despite any initial misgivings he had had about the young quarian when Udina had suggested he add her to his squad, she had worked with the team well and her technological expertise was, in his eyes, unparalleled.

She looked up at him and nodded. Shepard nodded back and the two of them promptly stood up and moved back. The rest of the squad came up behind them as the airlock opened.

Shepard held his hand to the side of his helmet and spoke: "Good work, Tali. Alenko: take her, Ash, and Liara to the ship's aft airlock and start working your way to the middle. Wrex, Garrus, and I will start here and do the same."

"Copy, that Commander."

As Shepard watched the four move back along the ship, he could here Ash's voice in his headset: "Quite the ladies' man aren't you LT?"

He sighed before looking at the remaining two members of his squad: "Shall we?" Shepard quickly dropped in and reoriented himself so that his own equilibrium would match that of the ship's interior. Wrex and Garrus followed suite.

Shepard looked at the turian who nodded and brought up his omnitool. Typing in a set of commands, he closed the airlock's outer doors and the small room they now occupied began to equalize its pressure with that of the rest of the ship.

The inner door finally opened. Shepard gratefully released the magnetic fields of his boots (dragging his feet along the hull's metal surface had been annoying at best) and turned off his oxygen breathers. He pulled out his assault rifle and began moving deeper into the ship.

Author's Note: a short prelude! I was planning to do the whole mission in one chapter and then I realized that would probably be upwards of 5k words. I don't know about you guys but I don't have the attention span for chapters that are that long. So I'll break it down a bit. Also, I've already plotted out how wrex's chapters (referring to this and the upcoming ones) segment into tali's chapters so yes, she's up next! Kaidan, kaidan, kaidan. What to do about you?


	16. Chapter 16: Pirate Interlude, Paracel

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Shepard moved through the thin passage leading from the airlock towards the center of the ship. When he came to the end there was a thin corridor perpendicular to the one he had just come from. He pushed his body up against the edge of the wall and glanced cautiously around the corner.

Rows and rows of metallic containers stretched endlessly in both directions.

"The hell is this?" Wrex grumbled.

"Container ship." Shepard said more to himself than anyone else. Putting his hand to his headset, Shepard contacted the other team: "Alenko, what's your status?"

"Just got our airlock open, Commander."

"Good. Now listen up team: from the looks of it we've just boarded a dry-bulk container ship. The design for these things is pretty standard: practically the entire length of this ship is filled with intermodal containers – as in those big, shiny, truck-sized shoe boxes that cover spaceports. The drive core, crew accommodations, and bridge should all be located towards the ship's stern on subsequent tiers. Garrus, Wrex, and I will each cover the container passages for a given tier, regroup at the aft, and move to rendezvous with Alenko's team at the engine room. Alenko: You have permission to move in on the core before then. Expect hostile contact. Does everyone copy?" Shepard's question elicited a small chorus of _Yes, Commander_s. "Then move out. And try and keep it quiet."

Shepard turned to his two immediate squadmates. "Garrus, you take the third tier. Wrex, the second." As the two began making their way towards the ladder at the end of the well-illuminated passage, Shepard stepped into the thin, bright white corridor, brought the nose of his rifle up, and began moving in the direction of the engine room.

He slid through the corridor sideways, his back against the containers bordering the ship's hull, his rifle always pointed in front of him. He stuck to the outer walls as best he could, but would push himself against the inner walls before peering around a corner to look down the passages that travelled the ship's width. Once he had confirmed that the passages were empty, Shepard moved back to the outer wall and repeated the process. Every hundred feet or so, he would sprint down one of the shorter passages, alternating between travelling the port or starboard lengths of the ship.

About ten minutes after he had originally split up from his team, Shepard heard a voice from further down the hallway. He quickly turned into one of the passages spanning the beam of the ship.

"To'kash? I haven't heard from him since…" Shepard looked back down the length of the ship towards the Batarian. _One, two, three, four. Four passages down._ He turned back into the short corridor and silently ran to the side of the ship opposite the Batarian. Upon reaching the end, he made a right and continued his sprint past three intersections. When he got to the forth he slowed down, turned right, and stalked his way to the opposite end. He leaned against the corner wall, closed his eyes, and waited.

"Right. I'll try and contact him. If he still doesn't come through, I'll send an alert through to the boss." The Batarian sighed and lifted his weapon with two hands above his head, stretching. As he began to yawn, his four eyes squinting shut, he felt a sudden, bludgeoning force ram into his face.

Shepard had waited for the Batarian to get closer before stepping around the corner and swinging the butt of his rifle into his face. The Batarian's scream was cut off as Shepard ran forward, grabbed onto his face with his left hand, and lifted the Batarian up and forward before slamming him back down against the ground. Without even giving the pirate a second look, Shepard reoriented the rifle in his right hand, held the barrel directly against the Batarian's chest, and let loose a quick succession of muffled shots.

Shepard put his rifle down and used both hands to drag the Batarian's body into the short corridor. He propped the body against a nearby container and gave it a quick search. Shepard quickly found what he wanted under the Batarian's armor, lying flat against the dead alien's chest. Shepard ripped the key from the Batarian's necklace, stuffed it into one of the off-hand compartments of his own suit, and took out his omnitool. Passing it over the Batarian's own omnitool, Shepard rifled through the info until he came across a ten-digit code. _Finally, _Shepard thought to himself. He had wasted almost three minutes trying to fish out that code, each second of which he spent silently wishing he had brought the quarian with him.

Shepard moved away from the body, picked up his rifle, and began walking casually down the corridor. It had been unlikely enough that he'd encounter one patrol, let alone two.

"Garrus, Wrex, how're we doing?"

"All clear, Commander." Shepard heard the turian's tinny voice come in over the radio.

"Same here," Wrex confirmed.

"Good. Get to my location ASAP and we'll head over to the engine room."

"Copy that, Shepard."

Just minutes later, Shepard was walking through the doorway into engineering. Garrus was close behind him, and stepped gingerly around one of the three bodies scattered around the floor. Looking down, he saw one Batarian that had taken a pistol shot in the center of its four eyes.

"Headshot. Nice."

"Alenko. Status report."

"Three Batarians were keeping guard over these guys-" Kaidan motioned to the half dozen or so crew standing behind him, "but it was nothing we couldn't handle. The Chief Engineer here says there's another dozen up in the bridge where the rest of the crew is being held hostage."

"Then that's where we're going. Move out."

"W-wait!" Shepard turned his head to examine the man who had shouted out – an oiler by the looks of it. "What about us? You can't just leave us here! How are we supposed to protect ourselves?" Shepard gave the man a bored look.

"Same way everyone else does-," he nodded towards the weapons being gripped in the still warm hands of the dead Batarians, "with a gun."

Shepard led the squad from the room, Kaidan at his side reporting all the info he had managed to glean from the ship's engineering department. As they made their way up the stairs into the crew accommodations area, Garrus came up beside the two marines.

"So Shepard, what's the plan?" Shepard came to a halt, and the rest of the squad wordlessly formed into a circle around him.

"We can't just go in and shoot them like we normally do?" Wrex asked.

"Not if we want any of the crew getting out alive, no." Ashley shot back.

The two looked over to Shepard. Normally Shepard would've been fine with the krogan's solution; the mission, after all, always came first. Yet Shepard found himself toying with alternative courses of action.

_Because less deaths means less paperwork. And isn't that what I came here to get away from in the first place?_ Not, Shepard assured himself, because of some lofty, altruistic ideals.

"Alenko, you said the hostages were being kept in a group in the center of the bridge?"

"Yes, sir."

"And where's the bridge relative to our current position?" Tali began fiddling with her omnitool and brought up a holographic representation of the ship's layout.

"It should be…right above us." Each member of the squad looked up at the ceiling.

"So we blow it." Shepard said finally.

"Wait, what?" Kaidan turned to Shepard.

"The crew is supposed to be clustered right around here, right?" Shepard motioned to an area of the ceiling above them. "So we lay charges all around, scale back the amount of explosive damage they'll do, and let the hostages fall down to us. Then-" Shepard looked over to Wrex, "we can just start shooting like we normally do."

"You're crazy. How're we supposed to get in there to start shooting anyways? The door to the bridge is sealed shut and there's no way we're gonna get it unlocked with those turrets positioned right next to it." This time it was Ashley who challenged Shepard.

"Who'd use a door when there'd be a perfectly good hole in the ceiling?"

Shepard proceeded to describe his plan in greater detail. When he finished, Garrus let out a small laugh: "I like it."

_MSV Paracel, Bridge_

"It's no good. We haven't been able to contact any of our men on patrol or down in Engineering."

"Someone else is on the ship!"

"Should we send someone to check it out?"

"Well, it isn't going to be me! We have no idea how many of them there even are!"

"They could be standing right outside the door for all we know."

"Everyone, shut up! You! Get a message ready to send back to the carrier."

The crew being held hostage continued to listen to the feverish whisperings of their Batarian captors. Just as one of the pirates moved towards the bridge's communication terminal (they'd have to use short-range radio waves since the comm buoy had been shot out), the power in the room flickered out. The Batarians instinctively backed towards the walls and got their rifles up.

Shepard watched the small figures move on his radar. _How convenient_. He pressed the detonator.

The ceiling collapsed on cue and within seconds a dozen or so crewmates of the MSV Paracel came crashing down into the galley.

Kaidan unleashed a restrained throw field, pushing the crew out of the sight of the multiple shafts of light now peering down from above, just in time to avoid the subsequent barrage of bullets.

Shepard looked over to Liara, his gaze managing to meet her own even through the darkness. Her body was quickly engulfed in bright blue aura as she lifted Shepard upwards.

In the bridge, the Batarians watched as a heavily armored human seemed to calmly rise out of the floor, his whole body burning azure.

As soon as Shepard felt the biotic field fall away, he dived towards the floor trying to evade the nonstop gunfire now aimed in his direction. Coming out of the subsequent roll, he felt his shoulder ram into a nearby Batarian. He quickly turned, held up his shotgun, and released a round into what must have been, judging by gargling sound he heard as the pirate fell, the Batarian's throat.

Behind him, he saw Liara and Kaidan rising through the floor into the bridge. Trusting them to cover his back, Shepard proceeded to dispatch alien after alien, his shotgun instinctively locating the position of his next victim.

"Shepard! A few of them managed to get the main door open and scatter!"

"Copy that, Garrus," Shepard said into his mic as he took down another Batarian. "Find them. Kill them." Shepard looked around at the now empty bridge. "Take Ash and Liara." Liara, hearing Shepard's command, nodded and lithely dropped back down to the floor below.

Shepard soon followed, lowering his body to the galley, and immediately started making his way across the deck. "Let's go." Confused, Wrex, Tali, and Kaidan followed after him.

"Go…where, Commander?" Kaidan was jogging just behind Shepard.

"Docking bay."

"What for?"

"That's where the fighters are." The squad made a sharp left.

"Which you plan to use to what?"

From over the radio, Kaidan heard Garrus start laughing. "You sure about this, Shepard? I won't be there to cover you, you know."

"Just concentrate on those Batarians, Vakarian."

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Ashley said.

"Shepard's going to take one of the pirate ships, fly it back to the carrier, get in and – seeing as its Shepard – probably blow it up." Garrus replied cheerily.

"What? Commander…?"

"That's the gist of it." Shepard grabbed on to a nearby ladder, and slid down.

"And how, exactly, do you plan to get a fighter started, let alone fly it?" Kaidan's tone was skeptic.

"With my key." Shepard turned from just having activated a nearby console, and pulled a thick, rectangular, metal cartridge from his suit's offhand storage. As Wrex, Tali, and Kaidan watched the key glint in the light, the door behind Shepard finally opened, revealing the expansive docking bay behind him.

Author's Note:

Sometimes I get so focused on reaching a point, I become somewhat inattentive towards _how_ it is I reach it. I hope this chapter wasn't too boring for anyone who read it; personally, I like the respite from constantly tracing Shepard's inner thoughts. I think maybe because this is my first fic I'm doing a lot of experimenting – trying my hand at different elements of different genres and seeing what works and what doesn't. So I keep walking this line between being kind of serious and dark and more light hearted and simple and easy. Plus I'm realizing that these chapters, length wise, are all over the place. So that's the end of my rambling for this chapter. I figure I'll have the mission finished up next chapter.

For those who've been reading since chapter one, a question: I'm thinking about doing an arc about Shep and Seven; better to do it during ME1? or ME2 as basically shep's own loyalty mission?


	17. Chapter 17: Pirate Interlude, Transit

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware. So do those awesome asari husks!

This Is It

Shepard moved into the docking area, noting the two fighter crafts. He strode over to the closest one and put his hand over the console, causing the tinted glass-like cover to open. The cockpit seated a single pilot; the controls were built into the sides around the pilot's seat or the dash located towards the fighter's nose.

"There's no way that's going to fit even just the two of us." Kaidan looked over at Shepard.

"The two of _us_, no." Shepard hoisted himself up so that he sat on top of the fighter and slid himself into the seat. "Kaidan and Wrex: head back up to the bridge, search the bodies, and find the key to the other fighter. Tali, you're with me."

"W-what?" Tali looked around, hoping she had misheard Shepard, but the docking area was empty save the two of them; the other two had already left to carry out their orders. Shepard wanted her to climb in there with him? _Her_, the quarian he barely talked to? In a space hardly bigger than a sleeping pod?

"I need an engineer who can disable their FTL drive so they don't just warp out of there once they realize what's going on. Plus, you're the only one who'll fit. Now get in here." Tali could see the impatience beginning to form on the Commander's face. Deciding that being in the craft with Shepard couldn't be any worse than being outside of it when his patience ran out, Tali resigned herself and approached the fighter.

Seeing that the quarian was too short to lift herself into the fighter alone (she was, after all, more than a head shorter than Shepard), Shepard leaned forward and reached over the left side of the ship with his right hand.

Tali gratefully grabbed onto Shepard's hand and, almost the instant she did, felt herself ascend smoothly upwards. She reached out with her left hand, grabbed onto the side of the cockpit, and twisted around so that her rear was positioned on the edge, her legs still dangling over the side. Noticing that her right hand was still in Shepard's, Tali nervously shook it free, in the process compromising her already precarious balance. Before she could fall forward, however, Shepard wrapped his right arm firmly around her waist and pulled her to his lap.

Tali began blushing furiously at the contact.

"Lean forward." Tali did, and saw Shepard's face come up beside the right side of her faceplate as he slid the key into a thin slot on the dash. Tali was vaguely aware of the rapid pounding coming from her chest, but was more focused on the small foggy area on her faceplate which expanded and contracted with Shepard's warm, steady breaths.

Between his own thick armor and Tali's suit, Shepard was completely unaware of Tali's increased heart rate and body warmth while he typed in the ten-digit code.

Tali, eager to remove her thoughts from the Commander, started: "I didn't know you knew how to fly fighters, Shepard."

Shepard's eyes didn't stray from the dash as he began starting up the ship. "All N7 graduates get basic training in operating all vehicle types." Not that Shepard had ever seen this particular model before. _Which, of course, she doesn't need to know._

"Oh." Tali felt as though she had asked something that was painfully obvious. _He must think I'm such a child._

"Go time." Shepard reached up and slid the tinted cover back down. For a moment, he and Tali sat in black silence. It wasn't long, however, before the various controls and whatnot lit up, and streams of code flickered across the fighter's cover. Shepard reached behind him for the buckle and passed it forward to Tali. Once she had secured the two of them Shepard grabbed onto the two handles, one on either side of him, jutting from the walls of the cockpit. Each handle was located at the tail end of what appeared to be a long gouge in the metal. Three gouges on each side of the cockpit were located one above the other, with a single vertical gouge joining them through their centers. Shepard pushed the left handle down and forward, firing up his portside ion drives. The fighter started rotating clockwise.

Once it had been rotated so that it faced the stern of the ship, Shepard moved the right handle as well and began guiding the fighter along the side of the docking bay, down a small ramp, and into a dark tunnel. He pulled both the handles back and reached up towards the cover, which now doubled as a console. Sliding his gloved hands across the glass, Shepard signaled that the fighter was ready to launch.

Stretching out hundreds of meters in front of them, strips of lights came on on either side of the fighter. Behind them, the entrance to the tunnel sealed shut. Shepard restored his grip on the handles, leaned back, and exhaled.

A dull buzzing came from all around them and grew louder by the second. Within the minute, it came to a sudden stop and the fighter was propelled down the tunnel and ejected into space.

Tali, who had had no warning that the fighter was going to be thrown from the MSV Paracel at supersonic speed, had been thrown back and was laying flat against Shepard's chest. Her entire body became incredibly tense, even though Shepard was still simply leaning back, eyes closed.

"Think you can find the coordinates of that carrier?" He opened his eyes and looked at Tali with that same piercing gaze.

"Yes." Tali unbuckled herself and leaned forward, holding her omnitool to the dash. Minutes later she finished and said "Target located. Inputting coordinates…now."

"Good." Shepard switched the navigation to autopilot and looked over to Tali. "Want a better view?"

"Hmm?" Tali said quizzically, trying to turn around to face Shepard but realizing that the available space just wouldn't allow it.

"Lean back." Tali did, this time less nervously thanks to Shepard's own calm demeanor.

Shepard typed a set of commands into the display above him. The illuminated numbers and texts flickered off and the cover, previously tinted gray, became totally transparent. Shepard and Tali looked up to an unobstructed view of dozens upon dozens of stars.

How long Tali sat still, totally enraptured by not the view but the _moment_, she didn't know. All she knew was that her and Shepard's peaceful, dreamlike state was interrupted when the dash beeped, indicating that they were quickly approaching the carrier's location.

"Kalek, that you? What the hell's going on over there? You guys were silent long enough we were just about to send another unit out." Shepard and Tali heard a voice crackle in over the radio.

Shepard looked at Tali, telling her with his eyes to keep quiet. "It's me boss. Some kind of malfunction, we think. They sent me over here to tell you everything's ready."

"Finally. Opening the hangar for you now."

Tali waited for the radio to go off before starting: "So remind me what the plan was again?" Her anxiety grew as Shepard closed in on the carrier.

"I'm going to drop you off and you're going to disable the FTL while I create a distraction."

"…and how was it that you're going to 'drop me off'?"

"Still working on that." Shepard restored the ceiling display and switched from the fighter's antiproton drive to its ion drive as he slowed down for the landing.

_Keelah, why do I always trust him so easily?_

Shepard looked at Tali and noticed for the first time how small she was. Overcome by a the sudden desire to protect her, he said "Don't worry, Tali. Nothing's going to happen to you." _I won't let it._

Tali could feel Shepard's words wash over her like the incredible warmth she had felt the first time she had stepped under real sunlight. Her fears, at least for now, erased, she looked forward as Shepard pulled into the hangar.

Surrounding their ship were dozens of pirates – mostly Batarian but some vorcha as well.

"See that hatch over there?' Shepard nodded to a door about two dozen meters from their current position.

"Yes…"

"When I say so, jump out of the fighter and run to it. Once you get to the other side, seal it off – along with the other hangar entrances if you can – and head to the FTL."

"And what about you? There's dozens of them in here Shepard!"

"I'll be fine," he reassured her. _Always am._ Shepard rotated the fighter slightly and flicked open the caps at the ends of the two handles, revealing two bright red buttons.

"Hey, what's taking so long? Get to the back of the hangar so we can get this thing refueled and head over to the boarding pa-"

Paying no attention to the voice over the radio, Shepard pressed down with his thumbs, and fired two long disruptor torpedoes into a set of fuel tanks at the back of the hangar.

The ensuing explosion rocked the entire carrier and filled the hangar with plumes of black smoke. Shepard quickly reached up and slid the cover open as Tali unbuckled herself. Tali stood up, put her two hands on the cockpit's edge and pushed herself over the side. After she landed, she looked up one last time to the Commander.

Shepard glanced over the side of the fighter and looked directly at the young quarian: "Be safe." Tali nodded and watched Shepard's head retreat back into the cockpit and the tinted cover slid back closed.

Shepard sat back down and took a deep breath. Resting his hands back against the controls, he began to fire.

A/N: So I'm just gonna stop trying to estimate when these arcs will come to a close. Pretty much once I get an idea – like this entire Tali and Shep flying over first in the same fighter – I just go with it.

Really happy to have gotten some good feedback on last chapter's question, and I am starting to lean towards ME2. I had initially thought about using it in ME1 to expose some of the squad (primarily Garrus) to Shep's past, but now I think I _will_ use it for Miri and maybe venture into some Major Kyle stuff for ME1 instead.


	18. Chapter 18: Pirate Interlude, Raid

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Shepard held his left-side handle slightly forward, rotating the fighter as he continued to fire relentlessly into the thick black smoke. From wherever the nose of the fighter was pointed, Shepard could hear the screams of falling pirates. Unable to see through the smoke, Shepard switched his ceiling display to show thermal imaging.

Shepard saw the outline of one of the pirates squat down and bring an RPG up onto his shoulder. The fighter's alarms began beeping, indicating that it had been targeted. Realizing that he wouldn't be able to swing the fighter's guns around fast enough, Shepard's heart rate spiked.

Shepard unbuckled himself and reached up to the cover. It wouldn't budge. He began pounding against the cover violently, even slamming his shoulder into it.

_Fuck_.

Shepard reoriented himself and kicked at the cover with both legs. Still, the cover didn't move. Deciding that a little blowback was preferable to being vaporized by a close range rocket, Shepard took out his shotgun, pointed it straight upwards, turned his head to the side, and fired.

The glass instantly shattered, and Shepard could feel the shards, along with bits of the hot metal from the shotguns slug cut into the left side of his face and neck.

Ignoring the pain, he got up and dived out of the fighter just as he heard a loud metal screaming come from behind him.

Once the noise had died down, Shepard lifted his chin from his chest and looked back. The fighter was still, save for the obliterated cover, intact.

"You know that the covers _open_, right Shepard?"

Shepard, somewhat relieved to hear a friendly voice, picked himself up and, running into cover, spoke into his mic, "Yeah, well it was stuck Wrex. What the hell took you so long?"

"Couldn't figure out how to get out of the docking area." Shepard sighed.

"And Kaidan?"

"I can barely fit in one of these alone, Shepard. Kaidan's back with the rest of the Paracel's crew."

As the two conversed, Shepard stalked along the edges of the hangar bay, quickly handling any pirates he came across. Meanwhile Wrex was enjoying firing blindly all around him, and, when his guns overheated, simply running over whoever he saw or swinging around the fighter's thrusters, melting anyone and anything that was unfortunate enough to find themselves behind them.

"Wrex. Wrex!" Shepard had to scream over the sound of Wrex's near-maniacal laughing.

"What is it?"

"There's no one left."

"Oh. Won't more be coming soon?" Shepard walked over to a nearby hatch. Tali had indeed come through, sealing the doors so they could only be opened from the inside.

"Yes, but I'm not going to wait around and let them pool on the other side of these doors just so we can get shot down the second we open them. I rather take the fight to them." Wrex grunted approvingly and climbed out of his fighter, landing with a loud thud.

Shepard, who heard Wrex's less than graceful landing from the opposite side of the hangar, strode over to his location.

Shepard eyed the mauled underside of the craft. "Way to stick the landing, Wrex."

"Took out that anti-tank that was about two seconds from killing you didn't I?"

"Fair enough. Shall we?" Wrex nodded and the two of them made their way to the nearest door.

The two of them began quickly clearing their way through the ship, systematically eliminating any pirates they came across. Shepard, who had noticed that an antsy Wrex had decided to get all his pent-up blood thirst out by running straight into enemy units and ripping them apart with his biotics or bludgeoning them to death with his bare hands, kept back and provided cover with his sniper.

As Wrex charged forward into the next wave of pirates, Shepard peered through the scope of his sniper and fired three shots, each taking down a separate target.

"How about you try not to get yourself killed?" Shepard said into his mic as he took down another two targets.

"Please. Don't forget that I am krogan," Wrex responded as grabbed his next victim, viciously head-butting him and crushing in his skull.

"Exactly. Your people have already proven their suicidal tendencies. Heads up, I'm throwing in an incendiary." Wrex ceased his procession down the hallway and took cover behind a support beam. Once the explosion had passed he moved back out and charged the disoriented group of vorcha.

"No argument there," Wrex said as he picked up a nearby crate and hurled it at a nearby pirate.

"You ever wish it was different?" Shepard took cover as he waited for his rifle to cool off.

"What? Like if the krogan as a species realized that they'd have to stop hiring themselves out to dirt bags and killing each other if they want to survive the genophage? We are who we are Shepard. You can't change krogan nature."

Shepard became quiet as he thought over the krogan's words. Was he right? Could people not change? Themselves or their nature? Shepard squeezed the trigger and took down another Batarian.

But hadn't he changed? Back on Torfan he hadn't bat an eye at the deaths of nearly every member of his platoon. Yet now, thoughts of Tali making her way through the ship alone were constantly present at the back of his mind. Yes, he was pushing himself and Wrex forward for the sake of the mission, but he was also doing it to take as much heat off of Tali as possible – probably more, he knew, than was absolutely necessary – and to clear out as many pirates as he possibly could so that she wouldn't have to.

For almost all of Shepard's life, everyone around him had thought of him as cold, calculating, and brutal, and indeed his actions – always dictated by the need to fulfill his Code – had come across that way. But it was never something that he had intended; rather it was just an inevitable consequence. And the more _others_ perceived him that way, the more Shepard perceived _himself_ that way.

Somewhere along the line, what Shepard now defined as his 'nature' had become a self-fulfilling, self-perpetuating prophecy.

Or at least it had been until he became captain of the Normandy.

Yet whether Shepard's so-called 'change' was true change or just him revealing a side of himself he had never really known because he had never really been close to others (the only person he had ever been close to in his life was the old man, who was more a father to him than a friend), Shepard couldn't say. What Shepard did know, however, was that the crew of the Normandy had released him from his unfeeling, unbending neutrality and that he might even, at times, go so far as to say he felt happy.

_But then there's the Code_. Shepard had yet to share it with anyone. If the Code was a clearly delineated manifestation of his nature, then his nature hadn't changed. And as far as Shepard could see, it wouldn't change.

"That how you justify killing other krogan?"

Wrex laughed. "I didn't think that you, of all people, would have a problem with that."

"Believe me, I don't. I'm just curious."

"Every krogan we kill is either working for Saren, stupid, or both. Either way I'm doing the species, and the galaxy, a favor." _Sounds familiar._

"So you're here for more than just the kills?"

"I'm here because Saren's rotten and needs to be stopped. And the kills."

_Rotten. _So the krogan does have a moral compass.

Shepard thought back to the conversation he had had with Anderson after his first run in with the Citadel Council.

"_He's a danger to every person in the galaxy, Shepard. He has no conscience, no hesitation."_

Shepard turned around and broke the neck of the pirate who had tried to sneak up on him.

"…_twisted…broken."_

Shepard propped his sniper back up on the crate in front of him and tried to sight one of the half dozen pirates that had managed to surround Wrex.

"_He likes violence, killing."_

Realizing that he wouldn't be able to get in a shot without risking killing Wrex, Shepard vaulted over his cover, holstered his sniper, and took out his shotgun.

"_He would kill a thousand to stop a war."_

Shepard let out two shots into the closest pirates. His blood starting to boil, he savagely used the shotgun to club another pirate in the face. His first swing broke the Batarian's jaw, causing him to stagger. His second swing broke his nose, causing him to fall to his knees.

The Batarian looked up at Shepard with pleading eyes.

Shepard's third swing was a sharp thrust straight down into the center of the pirate's face. Shepard heard a crunch; the pirate was dead.

Shepard closed his eyes and gripped the shotgun more firmly.

_I'm nothing like him._

_Right?_

A/N: so I didn't go too much into wrex's side of things, I think mostly because I'm still playing with the idea of killing him on virmire. thoughts welcome on that too.


	19. Chapter 19: Pirate Interlude, Wrex

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware

This Is It

Wrex finished taking care of his half of the group in time to watch Shepard smash in the last batarian's face.

_Ruthless_. Wrex approved. He, like every other member of the Normandy, had the utmost respect for Shepard and his ability to command situations, adapt to his environment, and get results, but more than anything, Wrex approved of Shepard's readiness to use force and make sacrifices. Though Wrex, in his lifetime, had met a fair share of people willing to do the same, rarely did he come across those who employed great violence for what he believed to be the right reasons. And there was nobody better at violence than Shepard.

In Wrex's eyes, Shepard had both the ability – his own carefully refined brutality – and the cause. _Not much use to have one without the other anyways._

And while Wrex never doubted Shepard's decisions (even Wrex had begun to dismiss his initial conviction to kill the rachni queen as a hypocritical manifestation of carefully ingrained, but ultimately meaningless, biases), it seemed that Shepard, increasingly, was. Shepard, once always stoic, had recently begun showing signs of inner conflict. It had even come to the point where the only place Shepard seemed at rest was on the battlefield, as if he didn't know who he was off of it.

This had been a phenomenon Wrex had observed often enough back at the krogan DMZ. Younger krogan had to grapple with the violent nature of their society, and though most accepted it easily enough as just another part of life, there were others who were unable to find their own peace and often killed because of it. Wrex had been one of the latter who had managed to survive. He had been able to come to terms with his violent lifestyle not because he had accepted it as some universal inevitability but because he accepted it as the byproduct of a carefully distilled krogan self-perception. And as much as he despised it, how was he to believe that he could do anything to change it?

This had been a belief Wrex had carried with him for centuries. But now, watching Shepard, he was beginning to have doubts. This one man, this one _human_, was making his presence felt throughout the galaxy every day. Wrex didn't doubt that by the end of their hunt for Saren, regardless of the outcome, Shepard would manage to shape history forever. And when he did, how could Wrex deny the potential influence of a single individual? How could he go on living resigned to his belief in an impending krogan extinction?

Wrex was surprised he was doubting himself. Seeing that conflict in Shepard…he had thought it was a weakness. But in reality, it could just as easily be a strength.

"Shepard? Are you there?" Wrex heard the quarian's voice come in over the comm set.

"You better have good news if you're calling me, Tali." The rage that had seemed just millimeters from breaking through Shepard's hardened exterior just seconds ago vanished as the man put his hand to his ear.

"I do. I've cut off the electricity to the core's eezo. They're sitting ducks now, Shepard."

"Good. We'll rendezvous, get off this thing, and let the Normandy take care of the rest."

"Copy that, Shepard."

Shepard put his hand down and looked over to Wrex. "Playtime's over." Wrex nodded and started after him.

"It was fun while it lasted."

Wrex's thoughts shifted over to Tali as he and Shepard moved in on her location. Had it not been for Shepard, Saren, and their mission Wrex was sure he never would've met the quarian, let alone talked to her. When he had first met her he had seen her as small and weak; not only was she a fraction of his size, she had also let herself get played by Fist. The more time he spent with her – both on and off the field (he had initially foregone most contact with the rest of the crew outside of missions but eventually found himself roped into (by the turian no less) and even enjoying the squad's regular mealtime discussions about their all-time greatest kills) – the more he respected her. Her technical expertise was invaluable (Wrex's combined technical incapability and propensity to break things had solidified this opinion) and, as any member of the squad could attest to, she was damn mean with a shotgun.

_Not to mention she's fun to tease_. Just weeks ago, Wrex wouldn't had believed someone if they had told him he would ever make that observation. But he was different now. Before, the only 'friends' Wrex had ever known were those forged in battle. Respectable allies, but also potential rivals; they could just as easily lend you a shotgun as shoot you with it. Something was different about Shepard's squad though. For once, he wasn't expecting a shot in the back. He might even say he even trusted them (never out loud of course; doing so was in krogan society's top ten taboos).

"Commander!" Wrex was surprised to hear Tali back on the radio so soon.

"Commander, they're everywhere!" Tali's voice was lost to the sound of shooting in the background. "I don't know- I'm sure I isolated the signal from the rest of the ship so they wouldn't be able to tell when their FTL went off-" Minor explosions were cutting into Tali's transmission. "The only way they would've found out is if they actually tried to make a jump!"

"Cowards." Wrex said.

"I like to think of it as a compliment," Tali said breathlessly.

"Tali." Shepard called out her name, trying to rein her in so he could ascertain the situation. "Tali! How many are there? Where are you now?"

"I had to retreat back into the engine room, Shepard. I managed to seal myself in, but there's dozens of them – they'll be through those doors any second!"

"Then stay there. Try to hide. Wrex and I are coming now."

"Yes, Shepard. I—" Tali's communication cut off.

Shepard had broken into a light jog as soon as he had heard the gunshots going off in the background. As soon as Tali's radio went out, he began a dead sprint, not even looking back to see if Wrex was keeping up.

A/N: Look at that, I ended up doing Wrex's POV anyway. Time for some Tali.


	20. Chapter 20: Pirate Interlude, Tali

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Shepard sprinted through the ship's corridors, his thoughts exclusively on Tali. _I never should have let her go alone. She's just an engineer!_ Shepard immediately regretted thinking that. No, Tali wasn't just an engineer; she was just as capable of handling herself on the field as anyone else. Shepard knew that. Why was it then that he felt such regret? Why was he so desperately plunging deeper and deeper into the ship?

_Because I don't want her to get hurt_. I don't want any of them to. For the first time, Shepard had found a team whose members he thought of as more than just tools, and he didn't want to lose them.

Shepard kept running, his legs burning, his breathing becoming rapid. He thought back to Earth and to Torfan, to that girl and to Talens. He had selfishly forced his Code onto them because he didn't care if he never saw them again. Didn't care if they died. But he did care about his squad. He didn't want to alienate them and, as his tunnel-visioned sprint to Tali's side made sure he could no longer deny, he didn't want them to die.

Shepard spotted a plasma canister ahead of him and deftly picked it up as he continued his sprint. From the sound of it, he and Wrex would be facing a horde, and he didn't intend to go in unprepared.

Minutes later, Shepard and Wrex could hear the growing voices of the pirates barking commands.

"Find her! She was just here a second ago! She couldn't have gone far with those wounds."

Shepard turned right. Stretching out in front of him was a long hallway dotted with Batarians and at the end of which was the blown open entrance to the engine room.

Without pausing, he sprinted into the swarm.

"Wrex!"

"Ready, Shepard!" Shepard launched the canister into the center of the small mob and drew out his assault rifle. Before the canister landed, Wrex shot it dead center causing it to explode and take out a half dozen pirates. Shepard ran past the closest two pirates who had still not fully realized what was going on. From his shoulder, Shepard shot down anyone who didn't move out of his path to the engine room. Behind him, Wrex was cleaning up all the pirates he had left behind.

Shepard finally reached the engine room, where another dozen Batarians and vorcha were ripping off vent covers and crate lids trying to find Tali. Shepard stopped at the door, crouched down, and shot out all the emissions sinks along the opposite wall, setting thousands of volts of static electricity shooting across the room and frying the Batarians.

Amidst the smell of burning flesh, only one pirate was left: the one who had been in command of the group.

Shepard strode over angrily to where he was.

The Batarian watched the human approach him: six feet tall, well over 200 lbs with his heavy armor which was covered in small chunks of flesh, and the left side of his face covered in blood from the dozens of small cuts and embedded pieces of glass and metal in his skin.

Shepard grabbed onto the skin of the batarian's head, the fingers of his gloved hand drawing blood. Shepard wanted to _hurt_ him, not just kill him, and he would have, had it not been for the fact that somewhere Tali was hiding, bleeding out, and possibly even dead. Shepard settled for slamming the pirate's head once against the metal rail encircling the drive core.

"Tali!" Shepard circled the room, his eyes flicking between possible escape locations, his hands ripping away any obstructions.

"Shepard…" a weak voice gasped from somewhere behind the wall.

Shepard stepped back and looked around for an entrance. There, near the floor, was a metal grill just big enough to fit an adult human.

"Wrex, radio the Normandy for pick up!" Shepard yelled, as he dropped to his knees and began wrenching away the grill. He managed to fit only part of his upper body in and spotted Tali, a ways down the shaft.

Shepard looked at her and reached out his hand: "Come to me." Shepard watched as Tali used her arms to push herself along the floor of the shaft, and once she was close enough, he looped his right arm under hers and carefully pulled her out.

Shepard saw the burn mark where a round had managed to pierce Tali's suit in her lower abdomen. The bleeding had already been staunched by a hurried application of medigel, but Shepard and Tali both knew that meant nothing if it had managed to damage a vital organ.

Shepard put his left arm under Tali's legs and stood up, carrying her in his arms. Tali cried out in pain.

Looking forward as he left the engine room Shepard said, "Bear with it. Wrex! Clear me a fucking path to the Normandy."

Just twenty minutes later Shepard was back aboard the Normandy standing next to Joker in the cockpit.

"Fire." Joker pressed down on the console and fired the Normandy's cannons straight at the pirate carrier. The engine room was the first to go as it was engulfed in a huge explosion, which quickly spread to the rest of the ship. "I don't want anyone getting out of that ship alive, you understand me?"

"Loud and clear, Commander." Joker watched as numerous escape pods were blown out the side of the ship. As Shepard turned around to head back to the med bay, no doubt to get an update on Tali's condition, Joker readied the Normandy's guns.

Shepard walked through the door to the med bay and over to the bed where Tali lay. Chakwas spun around on her chair to face him and said, "She's fine Shepard. She wouldn't have been if you hadn't gotten her here as quickly as you did, but she's fine now."

Shepard nodded, his eyes still on Tali. Chakwas continued, "The suit was easy enough to patch up, but I'll have to keep her here to make sure no serious infections take. In the meantime, I think we should get started on your face."

"Thanks for that, Doc." Chakwas gave Shepard a stern look.

Shepard sighed and pulled over a chair, situating himself next to Tali, his left side facing the doctor. From the bed, Shepard and Chakwas heard Tali let out a soft groan. Her faceplate tilted to the side towards Shepard.

"Commander?"

"Tali." Chakwas could hear the ever so slight hint of relief Shepard let slip into the name.

Chakwas took out some iodine and gauze and began wiping away the blood from Shepard's face. He didn't even flinch, and his gaze never strayed from where Tali lay.

Tali wanted to say something, but she didn't know what. All she could do was look back at Shepard's softened eyes.

"I'm sorry, Tali."

Tali was shocked. If anything, she felt as though she was the one who ought to apologize for messing up. "W-what for?"

"I shouldn't have let you go alone. I didn't want to, but I didn't have a lot of choices. I chose what I did because-"

"Shepard." Shepard looked up; he had been replaying the mission in his mind as he talked, caught in something of a daze. "You don't have to justify yourself to me. I certainly don't blame you for anything. And don't think this means that I can't handle myself!" Tali hoped her last sentence didn't come across as too impertinent.

Shepard started to let out a small laugh but it quickly turned to a grimace as Chakwas pulled out a particularly deeply lodged piece of metal.

"I wouldn't dare. I _did_ see those seven guys lying on the floor before I even got there."

"_Eight._"

"Eight." Shepard smiled. Underneath her facemask, so did Tali.

The two continued talking, first about the mission, then the crew, the ship, and eventually Tali's life on the Flotilla. Shepard, noticing that Tali seemed to be less burdened by the pain of her injury the more she spoke, happily continued asking her about quarian culture. It was more than that, however. Shepard found himself enjoying the stories about Tali's family life and the closeness of quarian society. All those experiences he had never had, he found in Tali's nostalgic stories. The hours passed, the both of them losing all track of time, and when Tali finished her latest account of her mischievous adventures aboard the Rayya, it was past dinner and Chakwas was nowhere to be seen.

Tali sighed, "Sometimes I absolutely hate this suit though." _What?_ Tali's thoughts had yet again returned to the Commander and how close she had been to him in the fighter, and then to the prohibitive nature of her suit and she had, inadvertently, let that last comment go from being just a thought to actually saying it out loud.

"Because you can't touch and feel things the way other species do?"

Tali was nervous about the direction the conversation was going in, but seeing how genuine Shepard's interest seemed and how her own barriers had somewhat broken down from talking with the Commander over the last few hours (had it really been that long?), Tali decided to continue.

"Because I constantly have to wear this mask and I feel like people can never know the true me. I've been wearing it so long that sometimes I forget what I even look like."

Tali looked over to Shepard, whose expression had saddened. She was about to start stuttering, to say that she wasn't looking for anyone's pity when Shepard reached out and gently laid his fingertips against the cool surface of her facemask.

"I know what you mean," Shepard said in a near whisper. Tali, confused by Shepard's words and dizzy from his suddenly reaching so close to her face, was at a loss for words.

Shepard let his fingertips slide along the surface, tracing what would've been, had the mask not been there, Tali's jawline. _The only difference between our masks, Tali, is that you have no choice but to wear yours._

Shepard used to believe he didn't either. But not around his squad. Not anymore.

A/N: actually I don't have anything that interesting to write here this time (not to assert that these notes are normally interesting), probably because I've posted something like four chapters in the last two days. Anyways, this is the end of Pirate Interlude! Hope you enjoyed it and the quick releases! Feros will be coming up next and then I have to decide how I want to go about doing the Major Kyle and Cerberus side missions or even _if_ I want to do them. I might do something like I did for Eden Prime where I just kind of reference to them.

I always welcome feedback, this time especially for input on the side missions. Feel free to leave logistical comments e.g. would you have rather I posted Pirate Interlude in fewer, longer, less quickly released chapters or no. Lastly, I'm still very 'meh' on the summary I've created for this fic (for those who've been reading it since I first started, you may have noticed I've switched it about half a dozen times) so suggestions welcome there too!

For those of you who are, like me, college students: happy fall break! (Mine, alas, will be spent writing midterm papers, reading IPE theory, and getting my wisdom teeth removed)


	21. Chapter 21: Scuttlebutt

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Ashley was sitting in the mess, timing how quickly she could deconstruct and reconstruct her Lancer, when Garrus sat himself down in the seat across from her.

"Couldn't you be doing that in the armory?" Ashley slammed down the stock and the grip of her rifle against the table.

"Got a problem Vakarian?" Garrus chuckled and leaned his right cheek into his talon.

"Or…maybe you're staking out the med bay?" Ashley eyed the turian angrily.

"And you? Keeping an eye on your dextro whatever girlfriend?"

Garrus' eyes narrowed. Ashley looked up at him and shrugged.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just…"

"Don't worry about it. And Tali's more like a little sister to me than a girlfriend." Garrus looked over at Ashley, whose eyes were glued to the entrance to the med bay. "I actually came up here to see how she was doing. I can't believe Shepard's still in there."

"I _know_," Ashley grumbled.

"Chakwas?"

"Left about forty-three minutes ago."

"About?" Garrus twitched his mandibles. Ashley opened her mouth about to defend herself, but in the end just sighed and leaned back in her chair.

Garrus and Ashley were sitting (more accurately, Ashley was stewing) silently when Wrex came thudding in.

"Wrex, what're you doing up here?"

"Dinner," he grunted in response.

"We ate dinner just under two hours ago."

"Second dinner." Wrex made his way over to the mess specialist and picked up a tray before plopping himself down next to Garrus.

"So what's going on?" Wrex asked as he began to eat noisily.

"Well, I'm here for Tali." Wrex nodded and looked over to Ashley.

"I'm waiting for Shepard." The krogan looked over to the med bay and back to the marine whose eyes were smoldering with…

Wrex laughed. "Jealous?" Garrus coughed and looked nervously over to the newly reconstructed Lancer inches from Ashley's hand.

"You wanna try that again, krogan?" Ashley started standing up.

"Look, you guys…" Garrus' open palmed hand motions made it seem like he was trying to calm the situation though his legs, pushing back his chair, and getting ready to break into a dead sprint, suggested otherwise.

"Please, human. I've lived your lifespan at least a dozen times over; I know how to spot a jealous female."

"Jealous of who? The quarian? Please. Like Shepard would ever go for her."

Garrus sat back down. "Now wait a minute. What is that supposed to mean?"

"C'mon Vakarian, You're always going on about humans are too squishy. You think Shepard doesn't think that way about non-humans too?"

"Just because _you_ think that way, _Williams,_ don't assume Shepard does too." The anger started seeping into Garrus' voice.

"Have you ever seen Shepard even give a non-human female a second look?" Ashley shot back at him.

"Have you ever seen Shepard give _any_ woman a second look?" Wrex said. As Garrus and Ashley fell silent, slowly sitting back down into their seats (they had risen incrementally after each accusation), Wrex resumed eating.

"You're not saying he's…?" Ashley started, a confused look on her face.

"What? No! He's saying that of all the women who've basically been throwing themselves as 'humanity's first Spectre,' Shepard's never even seemed remotely interested in a single one."

The three of them were quiet.

"Shepard's entire past has basically gone public ever since he became a Spectre, right?" Garrus asked.

"At least ever since he enlisted at 18. There's no real records from before then; dodgy orphanage bookkeeping or something."

"Not even in his Alliance personnel file?" Ashley shook her head at Garrus.

"But of everything after that, there's no mention of anyone? No high school sweetheart? No fraternization?"

"Not that I've ever heard of."

"What about shore leaves?" Wrex postulated.

"Wait a sec. I think I did read this article on the extranet once about how he always heads back to Arcturus Station for those."

"You think he has a girl over there?" Ashley had completely forgotten that Shepard was in the med bay with Tali now that she had been presented with the possibility of the Commander having a human partner.

"It's not exactly where I'd go for a vacation."

"Wrex, I don't even want to know what krogans do for vacations," Ashley said.

"What's this?" Kaidan said, his voice ringing clearly throughout the relatively empty second deck.

"Ssh!" Ashley looked at him.

"What?" Kaidan whispered.

"We're trying to figure out whether or not Shepard has a girlfriend!"

"Arcturus?"

"You know?" Kaidan saw Ashley and Garrus look at him like children about to receive candy. Wrex was…honestly, Kaidan couldn't tell.

"It's been in every tabloid for the last week. You guys don't seriously believe that though, do you?"

"Well, why else would he spend shore leave there of all places?"

"I don't know, cause the man never stops working? It is Alliance HQ after all." Garrus looked crestfallen. "Wait, Garrus why are you of all people so worked up over this?"

"Are you kidding? A chance to dig up dirt on Shepard's personal life? Priceless!"

Kaidan sighed. "I just don't buy it. Besides, can any of you even imagine what type of woman would be Shepard's girlfriend?"

"Someone who could land a headshot right between the eyes from a hundred yards," Garrus said.

"Or just crush them with biotics," Wrex growled.

"Easy on the eyes…" Kaidan said, his thoughts drifting.

"But intelligent," Garrus added.

"Fierce," Wrex said.

Ashley scoffed. "Please. You guys are basically describing the perfect woman. _She doesn't exist._"

A/N: Obviously his trips to Arcturus were to visit…if you can't complete that sentence, answer is back in the Torfan chapters. hope everyone enjoyed the reference as much as I did!


	22. Chapter 22: Faith

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

A/N: shep and ash talk about God

This Is It

Shepard brought his hand back to his side and stood up, finally realizing how late it had gotten. "Get some rest Tali. We're going to need you for Feros, so we'll just do some of Hackett's grunt work in the meantime."

Though Tali would hardly classify taking down rogue VI and wiping out geth outposts (such had been tasks the team had already performed for the Admiral) as grunt work, she nodded and said, "Yes, Shepard."

Shepard left the med bay and saw the unlikely quartet huddled together in the mess. He made his way closer, pausing only when Ashley finally noticed his approach and said (more loudly than was really necessary) "Hey, Skipper."

"Ash. Care to tell me what's going on?"

"We were just updating Wrex on how we managed to chase down those last few Batarians," Garrus interjected.

_Perfectly plausible, _Shepard thought, _but unlikely._ Interrupting inferior officers talking about his involvement on Torfan had been a common enough phenomenon during Shepard's other tours. Normally, it resulted in a sudden awkward silence (_check_), visible tensing up (_check_), and a certain degree of fear or disdain or often both. Shepard could sense none of those. They were keeping something from him, but what?

"Care to tell me the truth?" The four looked nervously between one another. They should've known better than to try and deceive Shepard; the only lies that slipped past him were the ones he didn't care enough about to press for the truth.

"They want to know if you've ever had a mate, Shepard," Wrex said bluntly. Garrus almost groaned at the krogan's glaring lack of tact.

Shepard was caught off guard. He had been expecting them to be hiding some kind of criticism – their failure to catch Saren, his order to permanently disable all hostiles aboard the Paracel, Tali's injury – but he had not been expecting them to be hiding curiosity about his personal life, especially an aspect of it that was so… _frivolous_. Shepard almost wanted to laugh out loud.

"Yes, I've had mates," he deadpanned.

"Anything…serious?" Garrus was trying his best to seem disinterested.

_Serious._ So they wanted to know if he had ever had a girlfriend. Or been in love, even. Both were a resounding 'no.' Shepard was sure that anyone who ever really knew his true self would think him a murderer (his squad, Shepard had thought from time to time, might forgive him for it though), and who could possibly love that? Why would Shepard ever even consider the risks? Even Shepard thought he was, by definition, a murderer. But that didn't mean he thought what he had done was wrong.

"No," Shepard finally said. He looked around to four sets of glazed eyes. _You're fucking kidding me._ Lost in his thoughts, he had taken something of a pause before responding and now, based on the poorly concealed smirks, _they_ were the ones who thought _he_ was lying.

Shepard sighed. "Vakarian and Alenko: I'm going to need operations reports on your fire teams by the morning." The two verbally registered Shepard's orders and stood up to leave. Wrex, noticing that Ashley was gripping her Lancer menacingly while staring at him (he had become the sole remaining obstacle between her being the only one in the room with Shepard), finished eating and lumbered from the mess.

"So how's Tali?" Ashley started, looking up at Shepard who was still standing next to the table.

"Just fine," he responded, leaning on the table's edge.

"You were in there pretty long for 'just fine.'"

"I guess so. Lost track of time while we were talking." Shepard looked back towards the med bay. "She's so innocent. Naïve. Pure." Ashley stood up and moved next to Shepard, who scooted over so she too could lean against the table's edge.

"And?"

"She's just…" Ashley began preparing herself emotionally for whatever he might say next. "…everything I'm not. Or at least haven't been for a long time." Ashley was slowly beginning to interpret Shepard's frenzied (by Shepard standards) sprint to the Normandy with Tali in his arms in a new light.

"So that's why you were so determined to save her?"

Shepard let out a small laugh and turned his head to the side to face Ashley. "Maybe."

Ashley looked back at Shepard, unblinking. She felt a strange peace when the two of them were this close.

She looked back to the med bay and playfully bumped her left shoulder against Shepard's right, "Well, thank God she's alright."

"God?" Ashley tensed up. She had had this conversation with superior officers before, and it rarely turned out well.

"That's not a problem, is it?"

Shepard shrugged. "You can believe in whatever you want Ash, just don't expect _me_ too."

Ash was relieved, "Don't worry Skipper, I don't. But me? How could I look out into the galaxy and not believe in some greater power?"

Shepard was silent.

"What about you, Skipper?"

"I believe in myself and my gun, Ash. Things that are real and tangible."

"What about the Reapers? Nothing about them is real or tangible, but you still believe in them, right? That's why we're chasing Saren around the galaxy, isn't it?"

"We're chasing Saren for any number of reasons. Because those are our orders. Because humanity having a Spectre doesn't mean anything if it doesn't _do_ anything and because having a newly appointed human Spectre take down a legendary, albeit rogue, turian Spectre would be something of an accomplishment…"

"Well, what about you? Why are _you_, John Shepard, chasing Saren?" Hearing that name come from Ash's lips, Shepard felt a twinge of guilt.

"Because he killed our people back on Eden Prime."

Ashley was surprised. "So it's not because of the Reapers?"

"The Reapers? I don't…I wouldn't say I believe in them just yet."

"Then why bring them up to the Council?"

_Why indeed. _Shepard, who had for so long respected Captain Anderson, had seen a new side to him that day. One that bordered on fanatical. As soon as Saren had attacked Eden Prime, Anderson had denounced it as an act of war. Not long after, he had even gone so far as to say that Saren wouldn't stop until he'd wiped humanity from the face of the galaxy. He had then unilaterally decided to contact the ambassador, in what Shepard was sure was a blatant bypass of the chain of command. As if that wasn't bad enough, the Captain had asserted that Shepard _had_ to bring his 'visions' before the Council as part of his testimony.

Shepard couldn't have agreed more when the turian councilor pointed out that it was ridiculous to let dreams count as evidence.

"Orders, Chief. Orders."

"I don't believe that. I saw you up there! You argued right alongside Anderson!"

"I don't undermine my superior officers, Williams. Besides, we all have our parts to play." Shepard could see that his reverting to using her last name disheartened Ash.

"It's still not the same thing though, Ash," he said more gently. "The Reapers and God. The Reapers are different because sooner or later we'll know whether or not they truly exist."

"But I _know_ God exists, Shepard. He's all around us. I can _feel _him. And that's all I need to believe. You must have that Shepard – something you believe in even though you have no reason to?"

Shepard paused. "Fate," he said quietly.

Ash was again surprised. "Fate? As in everything is destined to happen in a particular way?"

"Yes."

"Shepard, how could you, of all people, believe in that? I mean look at the Rachni! You could've just as easily wiped out their entire race as let that queen go! Are you saying that that was fate? That's not fate, Shepard, that's just shirking responsibility!"

"Responsibility? I think you're missing something, marine. Just because I believe in Fate doesn't mean I don't believe in individual freedom. _I_ made that choice. It's _my_ responsibility. But after everyone's made their choices, there's only ever one end. Time alone is proof of that."

"I don't buy it, Skipper."

"Well, I'll tell you what. I'll accept that you accept God, and you accept that I accept Fate."

Ash began nodding her head slowly. "Okay, Skipper. But even if I do, that doesn't mean that I don't think you're still crazy."

"I rather you just think I'm crazy than be ready to cut my throat."

A/N: so obviously, UNC missions hinted at up above. Which to do, which to do. So yea, I just wanted to address the entire idea of fatalism v compatibilism and compare shepard, who is about the most irreligious person ever, to ash.


	23. Chapter 23: Running Errands

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

"Alright, what do we have?" Shepard said, kicking a chair over to the small space Ashley and Kaidan had moved aside to open for him at the mess table, and sitting himself down. He finished scooping the last of the scrambled eggs on his plate into his mouth and reached around Ashley to put it on the part of the table not covered in data pads and star charts.

"For the purpose of saving time, we've split Hackett's assignments according to location – i.e. where they fall on possible relay paths – and urgency," Garrus started.

Kaidan continued: "Most of them seem to be focused towards the galaxy's rim-"

"So we figure our best option is to bounce from the nearby relay, through Exodus and into Hades Gamma," Ashley gestured towards the two pins indicating assignment locations, "and then to the clusters branching off from there."

"Sounds good. Joker?"

"I'll start heading for the relay now, Shepard."

Once Joker finished, Garrus began again, "For Hades we've got a two hostage situations – the chairman of the Parliament Subcommitee on Transhuman Studies and some drugged research scientists."

"Chairman Martin Burns? Wasn't he the one who voted against L2 reparations recently?" Kaidan said sharply.

"Probably not unrelated," Wrex said, sitting besides Garrus.

"Wrex, seriously. Either keep the food in your mouth or move away from the data pads." Ashley gestured toward the data pad in front of him, now partially covered in an unidentifiable, half-chewed mush.

Garrus looked at the data pad. "Please, we weren't even using that one. Why Hackett decided that he needed to use the sole human Spectre and the Alliance's most advanced starship to negotiate mining rights is beyond me."

While the others were discussing Wrex's less than desirable table manners, Shepard had been reading the report on Burns. _He's on a freighter._ "Alright, here's what we do. Garrus: you take Wrex and Ash in the Mako and handle the science team," Shepard looked at Ashley to make sure she understood Garrus would be leading the team, "and then the Normandy will take Kaidan, Liara, and myself to board the MSV Ontario in Farinata. Once the politicians start getting involved, its best I be present."

"And that a certain trigger-happy krogan not," Garrus added.

"Garrus, you do realize Wrex is going to be the one covering _your_ back, right?" Kaidan said.

"Everything's all in good fun," Garrus said sportively. His expression became somewhat worried when he heard the krogan give a low, ominous chuckle.

Shepard's thoughts were still focused on Kaidan. Garrus wasn't totally wrong about Wrex, but that hadn't been why Shepard chose the team he did. Kaidan, like the terrorists they were about to take down, was an L2. Shepard couldn't be sure to what degree the lieutenant might sympathize with them and how that would sway his actions, specifically if he were ordered to shoot. So he would keep him close. And if the worst were to pass, Shepard much preferred having Liara, who continued to keep herself relatively distanced from the rest of the squad, to Ashley, who was the closest to Alenko, be at his side.

Little over two hours later, Shepard was in the cargo bay watching Garrus' team climb into the Mako. Just before Garrus climbed in (he would've been the last to do so), Shepard pulled him aside.

"You're in charge, Garrus." Garrus, noting the seriousness in Shepard's voice, nodded solemnly. "Do what you have to do."

"I will, Shepard."

Shepard watched the turian's eyes closely. "And remember: negotiating with terrorists-"

"Is not an option." Shepard nodded and stepped back. As Garrus climbed into the Mako, Shepard turned and walked to the elevator.

"Opening cargo bay doors," Joker's voice came on over the Normandy's loudspeakers. Shepard pressed the console, closing the elevator's doors behind him.

"Dropping Mako in T minus sixty seconds…" Shepard exited the elevator and started ascending the stairs to the CIC.

"T minus thirty seconds…" Shepard walked up the small ramp and stood in front of the galaxy map. Putting his hand to his ear, he spoke out to Garrus' squad:

"You have your orders. Secure the base. Neutralize the biotics." He paused as he considered what to say next.

"T minus twenty seconds…"

"There will be no civilian casualties because there is no reason for there to be. The only explanation for the death of a single one of those scientists is incompetence, and I don't tolerate incompetence."

"T minus ten seconds…"

"You're on my team because you're supposed to be the best. But to be the best, you have to prove it every day. So prove it to me today."

"Mako away."

"Good hunting." Shepard only heard the beginning of the trio's fervid _Aye, aye Commander_s before they fell out of range.

"Joker?"

"MSV Ontario, coming up."

A/N: so getting into some of the side missions but obviously not all. First contact with Cerberus will be coming up in a few chapters, along with some personal missions and, lastly, major kyle. Or so goes the plan. Like always, they will not be novelizations and will vary between being more focused on action, interaction, or reflection.

I also wanted to shout out to some of my reviewers thus far:

Ssg1: believe me, I'm looking just as forward to writing me2 as you are reading it! I've been a fanfic reader a lot longer than a fanfic writer and I know the pain of having a story you love dropped, and believe me I don't plan to let that happen! (I think I'll put it on hiatus after I finish me2 until I finish playing me3, but I still might start a new fic that basically continues this one but with an original me3 ending.)

Lurch: you leave awesome reviews, plain and simple.

Faye: the sheer volume of your reviews was what singlehandedly got me brainstorming the next few chapters today. I was minorly concerned that you reviewed all those Torfan chapters and then stopped until chapter 20, but have since convinced myself that it was because you were so totally engrossed that you just couldn't stop to write another review. Writer's gotta dream.


	24. Chapter 24: Hesitation

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Shepard stood just inside the entrance to the small room, Kaidan and Liara positioned behind him, all three with their weapons drawn.

Before them stood the biotics' leader, talking away, trying to justify his actions.

The mere fact that he had started the self-explanation the second Shepard came in (and that it even seemed to _rely_ on Shepard's coming in), was all Shepard needed to know that the man didn't actually want to kill Burns. Which meant that it would probably be easy enough for Shepard to talk him out of the whole thing. All he had to do was make a few promises, say that he's hurting, not helping his own cause.

But Shepard didn't believe in negotiating with terrorists.

_I could, _Shepard thought to himself_, just shoot him_. But even if he did, one of the other biotics pointing a gun at the chairman's head would shoot and Burns would still end up dead.

To Shepard, it was acceptable, but not preferable, collateral damage.

Shepard's eyes flicked back towards the still rambling man. Shepard detested everything about him. He was just another one of society's investments that ended up bringing negative returns. And now he was rallying others to be the same. _A toxic investment_.

Tired of listening to the biotic, Shepard made his decision. He took his left hand off his assault rifle and held it up in front of him, open palmed. Holding on to the rifle with only his right hand he lowered it down so that it was resting almost against his thigh.

Liara was confused but, seeing that Kaidan had kept his own gun up, had done the same. _That's right, lieutenant. I never gave an order._

In a flash, Shepard dropped his rifle, pulled his Kessler from its holster on his right hip, and shot the chairman in his upper-left chest. The chairman, who had been kneeling on the floor, fell forward.

"What the—You're crazy!" The lead biotic shouted out, lifting his assault rifle up towards Shepard. That small moment was all Shepard needed. He quickly brought his left hand to his gun and shot the biotic between the eyes. Liara and Kaidan, reacting to Shepard's moving his hand, did the same to the two biotics who had been standing in the back corners of the room.

"Commander! Why did you-" Kaidan dropped his gun to his side as he marched angrily towards Shepard.

"Lieutenant Alenko. Go get Doctor Chakwas and bring her here."

"What? What's the point? You killed him!"

"No, Kaidan, I didn't. I shot him under the left subclavian artery and between the first and second costae. But not, as it would appear, in the heart. Medigel won't be enough to stop the bleeding though, so stop questioning my orders and _get Chakwas_."

Kaidan opened his mouth, ready to argue back, but seeing the blood staining Burns' shirt, closed it shut and started heading back to the Normandy.

Shepard squatted down beside Burns' body and turned him over. His skin was covered in a layer of frost.

"Liara, sweep the area and make sure we didn't miss anyone."

"Yes, Commander." The asari turned and left the small room.

Less than a minute later, the chairman opened his eyes and gasped for breath.

"Welcome back, chairman," Shepard kept his hand firmly against the man's chest to keep him from getting up.

"You? Wha...? You shot me!" Burns said breathlessly.

"I did. I also took care of your kidnappers."

"How am I…a-alive?" The chairman began shivering.

"The shot didn't actually hit anything important. You're shivering because of the cryo rounds, by the way. I had to use them to make sure you wouldn't scream out. Wouldn't be much of a cadaver then, would you? That's also probably why you're not writhing in pain right now." The chairman looked down at his blood stained jacket.

"Now chairman, listen to me carefully. _Reparations are n—"_

Shepard paused. _What the hell am I doing?_

He was going to tell the chairman not to give the biotics reparations.

He was going to tell him that it would be stupid to reward them for kidnapping him.

He was going to tell him that the reparations wouldn't fix them, that they were obsolete, hopeless, and a waste of Alliance resources.

So why had he stopped? Hadn't he gotten rid of Kaidan and Liara just for this purpose? So he could get the chairman alone? He had falsely told Kaidan that they needed Chakwas, when in reality a small application of medigel would've been sufficient to treat Burns' wounds. He had told Liara to sweep the area when he knew there was no one left; he would never have been so careless as to leave even the possibility of a survivor.

But why did he need to get rid of them? Shepard felt a pressure start building up behind his eyes.

_Because they would try and stop me._ The pressure got worse.

_Because they wouldn't understand._ The pressure became so bad Shepard grabbed at his head and groaned out loud.

Shepard finally realized he hadn't gotten rid of them. He was merely hiding from them.

"_Yes, but _why_ Silas."_

Shepard stood up and backed away unsteadily from the chairman.

_No, I know the answer to this question already._ Shepard stopped moving and held out his hand in front of him. It was shaking. _It's because of them. I don't want them to be like everyone else. To fear me. _

In his head, Shepard could see the old man frowning.

Shepard let out a guttural roar and slammed his right fist against the metal wall.

_They've weakened me. _

A/N: wow, where to start the author's note for this chapter. Ok, so you know that point right before shep starts going a little crazy? I actually wrote this chapter the first time around actually doing out that whole conversation. Then I felt like it was really similar to like chapter 2 or 3. And I was thinking 'that's not right.' I even found the justifications I was having shep dish out kind of _utterly despicable_. And it came to the point where my own disgust for it was manifesting as shepard, the character, being disgusted with himself. And for a while I was like 'okay, that's kind of cool. We get to see new shep react to his old self.' The thing is, normally when I come up with an idea I really like, even if its something I don't morally agree with, I still feel good about the chapter. But I wasn't feeling it. And I felt like shep's code hasn't been changing so far, more like it's who shepard is beyond his code that's been changing. So everything felt really out of place. So I found the place up to which I still liked the chapter, and scrapped everything after it. I actually took a break to eat and was like 'ok, well the whole reason I'm having this problem is because I'm not even entirely sure where I want shep as a character or shep's code to be at the end of this (referring to me1). So I should figure that out.' And I did. And I think it's _sweet_. I was a little bit worried that if I collapsed the code in me1, this fic would just become another fluffy, good-guy, all-smiles fic and then (I was talking about this last chapter) I probably really would drop it. But that's not happening, so we're still good.

Anyways, after I found out what my end point (for me1, again) was, I had to keep myself from collapsing the code _this very chapter_. It was seriously close. But I was just too resistant to the idea of something that huge happening in a chapter this small (in significance as in length).

There's also been this idea going around in my head that everything's been proceeding a little too smoothly. Yes, it's important for shep to build those relationships, but isn't it equally important that those relationships be tested? That there be conflict?

So that's the direction I think I'll take next. Shep is going to backpedal. The progress will be stunted (but not like as bad as say bones where there's never any progress _ever_. Seriously.) and yes, shep's logic is going to be faulty and full of holes and he's not going to realize it. Wait a minute, does that count as a spoiler? Should I be putting up warning signs?

I know this A/N was incredibly lengthy. I figure if it bugs people, they could just skip it. Personally, I love how fanfic has that interactive aspect to it. I also love when I get reviews that respond not just to the chapter, but to the author's note (not that I'm implying that everyone should start doing that).

So just thought some of you guys might be interested into the thought process for this actually incredibly short chapter.


	25. Chapter 25: Psychopath

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

Liara heard the hoarse, thunderous bellow and immediately turned on her heel and began sprinting towards where Shepard and Chairman Burns were. Had that been Shepard? What could possibly do that to their normally imperturbable Commander?

She entered the corridor and made a left. Liara froze in her tracks.

"Shepard," she gasped quietly. Just beyond the threshold in front of her was Shepard: eyes bloodshot and crazed, breathing heavy and uneven.

Liara looked past the Commander and to the chairman sitting partially up on the floor behind him. "What did you do?" she demanded.

"I didn't do anything! I swear! He was totally normal until a couple of minutes ago! He looked like he had forgotten where he was a-and then he started groaning and all the sudden he was screaming!" The chairman spoke rapidly, stuttering over his words. Apparently he had been more frightened by Shepard's sudden change in demeanor that by the fact that he had been millimeters from death moments before.

Liara started lifting her right hand to her ear, preparing to radio the Normandy. Before she could, however, Shepard grabbed her wrist, twisted it behind her back, and slammed her to the floor. Digging his knee into her back, Shepard lowered his head besides Liara's and growled:

"I know you can't use your biotics if you can't move Liara." He twisted her arm further and put more pressure through his knee. Liara, whose face was being pressed into the floor, squeezed her eyes shut and tried to contain her whimper.

She couldn't see Shepard grin, but she could feel his breath grow warmer and thicker against her neck and the paralyzing shiver it sent across her body.

Shepard took a slow, deep breath. "What did you think you were doing?"

"Shepard, you're not well." Liara couldn't help the shaking in her voice.

"No? _And who the fuck's fault do you think is that?_" Shepard screamed inches from Liara's face. Liara held her eyes clothes and pressed her lips together, trying to turn her head away from Shepard's. "Hmm? Liiiiaarra." Shepard stretched out each syllable of her name in a bizarre song-like manner.

Shepard's subsequent giggling was cut short by a light _ping_ coming from his omnitool. He sighed and got up.

"You know what that is chairman?" Shepard looked over to Burns.

"N-no."

"That's our doctor, coming to 'save' you," Shepard sneered. He bent over and picked up the pistol he had dropped.

"You know, because of that _impossible_ shot I pulled off to fake your death? It was pretty good right?"

"It w-w-was very good."

"It was _fucking unbelievable_ is what it was chairman." Shepard smiled. "But, God, you know that kind of shot – especially when you're doing it right on the draw like that – it's so easy to _miss_." Shepard was lazily holding on to his Kessler as he spoke. "Just One. Little. Miscalculation. And you're dead!" Shepard said gleefully.

"Shepard…"

Shepard ignored Liara and continued: "But me, chairman? I don't make miscalculations. _I've never killed someone I didn't mean to_." Shepard was walking back and forth in the small room. He looked down at his omnitool and sighed again. "I'd really love to keep chatting Mr. Burns but," Shepard lifted his shoulders, "I'm afraid we're out of time."

Liara turned her face back into the floor when she saw Shepard suddenly lift the Kessler, and never saw the shot go straight through the chairman's chest, going through practically the same wound, just two or three millimeters higher.

Shepard cocked his head to the side and leaned it back. "Get up, T'Soni." Liara pushed her upper body up and looked at Shepard with wary eyes. "I said _get up_." Liara did. Shepard gave her a deceivingly boyish grin.

Liara was shocked, to say the least, when Shepard dropped his gun, fell to his knees, and started applying pressure to the fresh wound with his gloved hand. "Chairman! Chairman! Stay with me!" He was still in that position when Chakwas and Alenko came running in, and Chakwas pushed him to the side. A few minutes later she said:

"I'm sorry, Commander. There's nothing we can do."

Shepard stood up and nodded slowly. He reached for his pistol and holstered it before walking over to where Liara stood. He stopped less than a foot from her and looked at her with soft eyes. Holding out his hand – the very hand he had used to twist her arm behind her back minutes before – he whispered gently, "Let's go."

Liara, unsure which was her hallucination – the Commander before her or the Commander who had just killed a man in cold blood – was so unnerved that she saw her hand reach out for his without even feeling it.

Shepard took her hand and gripped it lightly. He let go and put his hand against the small of Liara's back and led her out of the room. Once they were back out in the main area, out of earshot of the other two, Shepard took his arm from her back and draped it around her small shoulders.

"You think they bought it?" He looked down at Liara, waiting for a reply.

Liara tried to say '_I do_" but the words were caught in her throat.

"Chakwas is smart. I'm sure she'll have her suspicions. But without the body – which I'll be sure to hand over to the Fifth Fleet – my guess is that she'll never really find out. What do you think?"

"I've never seen you wrong, Shepard." Shepard smiled brilliantly.

"Now Kaidan, he's easy. He's a boy scout. He'll believe anything I tell him too." Liara tried to calm her rapidly beating heart, which was pounding from sheer terror.

"You know what that means, Liara?" Shepard stopped her and turned to face her. He dragged his bloodied glove down her neck and said, "It's a secret. Between just the two of us."

A/N: Total wtf? moment right? I think I'm going to enjoy this next arc. And also, don't expect to see Shepard's side of things anytime soon.


	26. Chapter 26: Self

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

A/N: And I'm back! Though discomfort abounds, the swelling is down and the pain is low. These last two days have been considerably less insufferable thanks to a) froyo and b) the London Philharmonic's releasing their album _The Greatest Video Game Music_ which features, naturally, Mass Effect 2's 'Suicide Mission.'

This Is It

Shepard walked through the airlock into the CIC, his arm back around Liara's neck and shoulder.

"Joker! What's going on with Garrus' team?"

"Ask him yourself Commander; he just came in on the radio now." Joker turned his head to look back at Shepard and furrowed his brow at the sight behind him: Shepard, mouth grinning and eyes strangely alive, with his arm around Liara who was looking back at him with a face Joker couldn't decide was fascinated, terrified, or both.

"Shepard, is that you?" Garrus' voice came in over the comm.

Shepard laughed. "What've you got for me, Vakarian?"

"Compound secured, no civilian casualties. Look, I heard what happened on the Ontario…"

"Don't worry about it. What's one less politician, right?"

Garrus paused. "Uh…right." He could tell something was off, but he wasn't about to discuss it on a public frequency.

"Alright, Normandy's coming by to pick you guys up and then we're headed to Artemis Tau."

"Should I patch you through to Hackett, Commander?"

"Nope. He can call, but I'll be busy. Got that, Joker?"

Joker smirked. He wasn't entirely sure what had happened to his hard-ass commander, but at the moment he didn't really care. To him, there was nothing better than an order to disobey orders. _All the fun and none of the responsibility._

"Aye aye, Shepard."

"Liara." Shepard motioned with his hand for her to follow him as he walked back towards the CIC. She did, and the two of them trekked past the galaxy map, down the stairs, and into Shepard's quarters. He was the first in, immediately stripped off his chest plate, casting it to the floor beside his dresser, and fell back, arms stretched out to his sides, onto his bed. He let out a long sigh as he stared at the ceiling before he brought his hands behind his head. He lurched forward to see where Liara was – she had seated herself at the table in the center of the room – and then collapsed back down.

"Why are you here?"

"Commander?" Liara sat with one leg atop the other; her left arm was draped over them both and her right laid out on the table.

"Here, with me. You didn't have to follow me in here and you definitely have no reason to stay; even _I _can't do anything against your biotics in quarters this tight." Shepard ran his hand over his head; his hair had grown out and was now a downy quarter-inch instead of the buzz cut he remembered running his hand against when he had woken up after Eden Prime.

Liara looked over to Shepard, whose still armored lower body wrapped around the end of his bed so his feet were planted firmly on the ground. "Because I don't want to leave you alone, Shepard, and I don't think you want to be left alone either."

Shepard propped himself up on his elbows and looked into Liara's bright azure eyes with his own dark blue ones. "What happened to that naïve asari we found back on Therum?" Shepard said, the corner of his mouth curving upwards.

"She joined _you_, Commander." Liara saw Shepard's mouth twitch and turn to a frown. She stood up and walked over to Shepard, the sound of her boots against the metal floor the only sound that could be heard in the room outside the Normandy's habitual humming. Shepard sat up, his fists against the hard Alliance-issue mattress, his eyes pointed upwards at the approaching asari.

"Commander?" a voice rang in over the comm.

"Yea, Joker?" Shepard let his head hang backwards.

"Just picked up Garrus and the others. They're heading up from the cargo bay now."

"Right. How long to the next cluster?"

"Oh, I'd say enough for a quick lunch."

"Then that's what I'll do. Get Navigation to start plotting a course for Voyager for after this."

"You got it, boss."

Shepard got up and moved past Liara to grab a sweatshirt. He pulled it on as he moved across the room and paused when the door hissed open. Turning his head to the side and pulling down his hood, he said "C'mon." He waited for her to take a few steps and together the two left the room.

When they walked out into the mess Garrus, Wrex, Ashley, and Kaidan were already sitting, still geared up, and eating from the trays they had just picked up from the mess specialist.

"Quite the fashion statement, huh Shepard?" Garrus' mandibles twitched. Shepard looked down at his grey Alliance sweatshirt and Mantis platelegs.

He kept walking forward towards the mess specialist and responded, "Fuck off, Vakarian," deliberately ramming his arm into Garrus' shoulder.

Wrex started chuckling at Shepard's uncharacteristic use of expletives and at Garrus who feigned severe injury. "Oooh, touchy today, aren't we?"

Shepard looked back with a small smirk before continuing to pick up a tray and sit himself down at the end of the table, opposite Liara. The others returned to their jovial conversation while Shepard sat quietly, his eyes trained carefully on the scientist.

The asari, of course, was not unaware of this as she ate her meal. _He must be waiting to see if I tell the others. _Liara had no intention of doing so. Whoever – no, _whatever_ – Liara had seen on the Ontario had seemed to disappear, or at least temporarily withdraw. If Shepard wanted to keep the matter a secret from the others, then she would oblige; just what had caused the large crack in his persona, the first she (and probably anyone) had ever seen, and how Shepard had allowed it to surface was, after all, a secret she rather solve on her own.

Suddenly Liara was drawn from her thoughts as the table's conversation shifted gears and directed itself to her. "I'm glad everything's alright though. I have to admit, I was a little worried for a second when I heard Shepard over the radio. I thought maybe something had happened over there." Garrus looked over to Liara, his eyes expecting an answer as though his last statement had been a question.

"Yes, well, Chairman Burns' death was highly unfortunate. Now if you'd excuse me…" Liara stood up and nodded to her squadmates before dropping off her tray and heading for the med bay.

The crew watched her until she disappeared into the med bay before returning to their lunch. Meanwhile, Shepard had finished shoveling what was left on his plate into his mouth and then followed after her.

"Huh. I didn't think T'Soni was that close to the Commander," Ashley said, referencing the fact that they had both arrived and left together. "Hell, I didn't think she was that close with _anyone_."

"She and the Commander were both there when Burns was shot. I'm sure he's just checking up on her now," Kaidan said.

Garrus simply mumbled something, and forced himself to pull his gaze away from the med bay door.

Shepard moved briskly through the med bay, not stopping to talk to Chakwas or check in with Tali (who was still, for the most part, sleeping). He walked into the backroom, locked the door, and turned to face Liara.

"You didn't say anything."

"No." Liara turned her chair around to face Shepard.

"Why not?"

"It wasn't my place."

"But it _is_ your place! I basically fucking _attacked_ you!"

"You weren't yourself, Commander."

Shepard gave a hollow laugh. "I wasn't _myself_? And who am I, exactly? The Butcher of Torfan? The cold hard-ass turned big softie that's busy making alien friends on the Normandy?" Shepard had been pacing as he spoke, but suddenly stopped.

"_Fuck that._ People are who they choose to be at any given moment."

"Shep—"

"Or at least they _would_ be, if it wasn't for other people. It's other people, you see, that rob us of that choice." Shepard had begun pacing again. "Everybody defines themselves through everybody else. Eventually it comes to a point where our relationships with the people around us tie us to our sense of self. The stronger the relationship, the stronger the tie."

"So you want to sever those ties?"

"Yes! I don't have those relationships Liara. Or at least I didn't. And that meant I could be anybody. I could _choose_ to be anybody."

Liara stood up and said angrily: "So the man who killed Burns, that's who you chose to be? Why, Shepard?"

"Because I had to know I was the one in control! Everything was…all of you and then the Code…"

_The Code?_ Liara thought to herself.

"I couldn't be loyal to one without betraying the other! So I chose neither. I stripped myself of all those rules and inhibitions and expectations and…and you saw what was left, Liara. _That_ is what I am." Shepard leaned against the wall opposite Liara's desk and sunk to the floor.

Liara walked over to where Shepard was and squatted down in front of him.

"I don't believe that, Shepard." Liara held out her hand and, after a moment of hesitation, held it against Shepard's neck. "I've seen you talk with Garrus and Tali and Ashley. _That_ man would never hurt any of them. _That_ man seemed happy. What's wrong with being that person?"

"…the Code…" was all Shepard managed to say.

"You said that you didn't want to be controlled by rules, didn't you? Or by people? Then don't. Be someone you can respect and who you don't have to keep hidden. Be what you want to be and decide what you feel is right. You, of all people Shepard, can do that. And whatever you choose, know that we trust you." Liara's forehead was now rested against Shepard's own and he could feel a light tingling sensation course throughout his body.

She wanted him to abandon the Code. To start all over.

_And if I did?_ Shepard asked himself. Would he be a totally different person? Would the Code create itself all over again?

Shepard didn't know. But he did know one thing that would be different: knowing that they would trust him, he would be able to trust himself.

A/N: So I know a lot of you guys were fans of pscyhoshep (that has a strangely good ring to it). And I was too. But the thing about him was that, while he's undeniably entertaining in the short-term, he's got no place in this story for the long-term. I thought about having him for a longer arc but then the way I had planned for the story to keep on going I kind of needed him in his right mind. And I'm not totally opposed to the idea of one of the squad keeping him from falling even lower.

Now Shep's got this idea about losing the Code. But it's one thing to have it as just an idea and another thing to actually do it.

If anyone's curious about what events will be coming up next my thinking is nowCerberus missionferosCerberus mission, personal missionsvirmire through end of ME1. Kyle would either be right before ilos (since that makes sense on a map and cuz that would be our evolved shep looking at part of his past) or right before virmire. It doesn't _seem_ like a lot, but in the last sixteen chapters all I've covered is eden primetherumnoveria. Plus pirates.


	27. Chapter 27: Thresher

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

This Is It

"Scanners picking anything up near the transmitter's location?"

"Nothing, Commander. Just wide open plains." Joker brought up a 3D rendering of the area.

"This doesn't feel right, Shepard. A whole platoon wiped out, and no sign of what did it?" Garrus turned to Shepard who stood on Joker's other side.

"So we'll be careful. Joker, tell the rest of the squad to load up the Mako." Shepard and Garrus turned and made their way to the elevator.

"We're basically knowingly walking into a trap, Shepard," the turian pointed out.

Shepard laughed. "Wouldn't be the first time."

Minutes later, Shepard was in the cargo bay watching Garrus slip through the hatch into the gunner's position. He went in after him to take the driver's seat and his eyes met briefly with Liara's. She had told him to act however felt right. To forget others and forget the Code. Shepard would try – doing so was easy enough around the squad in the absence of great moral dilemmas – but the sheer amount of freedom doing so entailed made him feel incredibly vulnerable. Why couldn't he just be back on the battlefield, where everything was so much simpler?

"Opening cargo bay doors," Joker's voice rang out.

"Activate mass effect core," Shepard spoke out clearly.

"Activating mass effect core," Kaidan repeated back; he had, with Tali gone, taken up the task of being the group engineer.

"Confirm fuel cells."

"H-O fuel cells confirmed."

"Power up micro-thrusters."

"Powering up micro-thrusters."

The cargo bay doors were now fully open and though the sound of the wind whipping around the Normandy's interior would've been painfully apparent to anyone still standing in the bay, the Mako's interior successfully blocked off all sound.

"Then let's go." Shepard pressed on the pedal lightly causing the Mako, its mass greatly reduced by the activated eezo core, to speed out the doors and start plummeting to Edolus' surface.

"This is always the worst part!" Kaidan shouted out, gripping the side of the Mako.

"Because it's the most fun?" Ashley returned.

"Almost 100 meters Shepard!" Garrus said, looking over to the Commander.

Shepard nodded and scaled up the thrusters' output, maxing them out just before they made contact with the ground. Shepard jerked the steering wheel to one side, bringing the Mako skidding to a halt, and looked behind him.

"All good?" Shepard saw the five other members of his team each with one hand against the Mako's ceiling and another against either the wall or the person next to them. "Good."

"Why is it that you always get to drive?" Garrus asked as Shepard started driving north to where his radar indicated the beacon was.

"Because if any of you drove, we'd land nose first."

The team continued to debate each members driving merits as the Mako approached the source of the transmission.

"There it is." Shepard brought the Mako to a halt on the edge of a nearby ridge.

"Well, are we just going to sit here? Let's check it out already so we can get going on a _real_ mission," Wrex rumbled.

Before Garrus could protest, the Mako lurched forward and started speeding towards the beacon.

"Shepard!"

"Wrex's right. Nothing's going to happen if we just stand around waiting for answers."

The Mako was less than thirty meters away from the site when the ground started rumbling.

"Oh, that is not what the fuck I think it is!" Ashley shouted out, pushing herself forward from her seat so her head was in between Garrus and Shepard.

"Yea. I think it is," Kaidan said, pulling her back.

Wrex started laughing and pummeling his fists together.

"Keep driving Shepard!" Garrus shouted out.

"I know!" Shepard shouted back.

"C'mon, punch it!"

"I _know_ already!"

"Turn! Turn!" Garrus pointed forward at the patch of ground that was breaking in front of them with one hand and grabbed at Shepard with the other.

"For God's sake, Vakarian, _I kno-_" Shepard, who had been looking at the turian, was cut off as the thresher came up under the Mako's right side and flipped them up into the air. The six of them were thrown against the Mako's sides as it rocketed upwards. There was a brief moment of respite as the Mako slowed when it reached its apex, before it began crashing down and throwing the squad against its opposite wall.

Shepard let go of the steering wheel and brought his armored arms up in front of his helmet, blocking the debris that came flying towards him from all sides once the Mako finally hit the ground. Shepard waited for the vehicle to stop skipping along Edolus' surface before he brought his hands back down. The Mako's interior had started flashing red and there were gas leaks and small fires on every side.

"Everybody has to get out _now_! C'mon!" Shepard started helping push the others through the hatch to the outside. Wrex, who normally had enough difficulty fitting into the car when it wasn't disfigured by the attacks of 200 ft worms, let out a roar before he kicked out his entire side of the Mako. Shepard, who had been about to offer the krogan his hand, grinned before dexterously lifting himself out of the Mako.

"Scatter! Scatter! Scatter!" Sure enough, below the Thresher Maw's towering form, six small figures could be seen sprinting in opposite directions.

"Garrus and Ashley! Get to the ridge! I want snipers on this thing now!"

"What? Shepard, no! We'll stay here with you!" Ashley shouted into her radio.

"I agree, Shepard. We're just as much good down here with our assault rifles."

"That's not what I'm worried about! It's—" Shepard didn't have to explain though. The Thresher let out a loud scream and all the sudden every member of the team felt immense pressure build up in their ears and behind their eyes, and against their necks and chests. Kaidan threw up in his suit and Ashley stumbled as she lost her balance. Even Shepard nearly fumbled the rifle he had taken from his back.

"The scream?" Garrus shouted back into his radio, trying to complete Shepard's sentence.

"Not exactly! It's what you _can't_ hear that's doing this. Just get up to the ridge!" This time Garrus nodded and helped Ashley get up so the two of them could get away from the flat ground.

Shepard kept running but he was already extremely fatigued. He tried to aim at the Thresher but his muscles had started convulsing uncontrollably - courtesy of the Thresher's infrasound – and the shots landed nowhere near their designated target. "It's no good! We have to shut that thing up if we want to take it out!"

"Shepard." Liara's airy voice came in on the radio. "I have an idea."

"What?" Shepard leapt out of the way of the Thresher's most recent acid spit volley.

"Little may be known on Thresher Maws but almost all organisms produce sound by vibrating some kind of membrane or contracting some kind of muscle-"

"Just tell him already!" Wrex bellowed.

"Whatever it is, it should be located near the Thresher's trachea. Let me go up there and I'll use a stasis field to paralyze it!"

"Commander, it sounds crazy but it could work!" Kaidan shouted into his headset.

"Do it T'Soni," Shepard said finally.

"Thank you, Commander. But I'm afraid I'll need a little help getting up there."

"Lifting yourself a hundred feet into the air with that kind of accuracy and then casting and holding a stasis field like the one Liara's talking about is no easy feat for any biotic – even asari ones," Kaidan replied.

"Noted. Wrex: take Liara and throw her into the air. Kaidan: lift her to where she needs to be. Don't fuck up Liara; this team needs you."

"Yes, Shepard."

Wrex waited for the Threshser's next acid attack before he charged over to where Liara was, grabbed her around the waist and launched her into the air using his combined biotic and raw krogan power.

"Wrex! See if you can't hold that mouth open!"

Wrex nodded and cast his own stasis field on the Thresher's fluorescent tongue. "I can't hold it long!"

Kaidan waited until Liara's ascent had begun to slow before dropping his pistol and using both hands to motion upwards, lifting Liara closer to the Thresher's mouth. Once she was close enough, he released, picked up his pistol, and started running again. He could feel a familiar warm, metallic liquid dripping from his nostrils into his mouth.

Liara was about to drop in when the Thresher's mandibles started snapping shut. The tip of it's right mandible was mere feet from plunging through her midsection when a spattering of bullets hit it, some eating through the Thresher's exoskeleton with chemicals, others freezing it to a halt with cryo rounds.

"Boo yah!" Ashley shouted into her mic.

"Are you kidding, that was all me!" Garrus shot back.

Liara ignored the banter and concentrated on the task at hand. Enveloped in a biotic glow, she lowered herself into the Thresher's mouth. Seconds later, the Thresher withdrew back underground.

"Liara! Are you in!"

"Yes, Shep—" her voice was staticky and Shepard was struggling to hear her voice. "…found the…"

"Liara!"

"…as long as I can…"

The Thresher Maw surfaced again and Shepard attempted to contact her one more time: "Liara! Do you hear me?" The radio was silent.

Garrus, Ashley, Wrex, and Kaidan were also quiet.

"Shepard. It hasn't released another one of those subsonic attacks so she must be fine."

"Yea, or she could've been killed and we have all of one minute before her stasis field wears off," Wrex said grimly.

"Well, I don't plan to wait around to find out." Shepard ran forward and picked up a sharp piece of debris from near where the M29 Grizzly sat. He tucked it into his suit and started running towards the Thresher.

"Shepard? Shepard, what the hell are you doing?" Ash screamed.

Shepard lifted his rifle and shot volley after volley straight to the Thresher's face.

"Hey!" He threw up a grenade and detonated it just in front of the Thresher's jaws. The Thresher turned to face him and attempted to let out another scream, though this time it only came across as a cloud of bad breath. It let out another acid volley, which Shepard deftly sidestepped, though the splash did cause some damage to his shields. Finally, the Thresher, likely now enraged, reared its head and slammed it against the ground, digging into the area near Shepard with its mandibles. Shepard quickly recovered his balance and ran to the nearest mandible, latching on with his hands. He took out the sharp piece of metal he had picked up and dug it through the Thresher's exoskeleton, trying to keep his grip as the mandible thrashed back and forth. He slowly scaled the appendage and approached the Maw's mouth.

All the sudden he felt his shields take a hit.

"Watch it down there!"

"Sorry Shepard, just trying to help." Wrex chuckled, but it was hardly as animated as his laughs normally were.

Shepard finally reached the end of the mandible and was mulling over his next move when the Thresher started retreating back into the ground. He lost his grip and, seeing as he was already shaken loose, pushed off the mandible with his legs and jumped for the mouth, which, now that the Thresher had also retracted its tongue, was an open, black pit.

He made the jump and soon found himself sliding along the mucous covered insides of what he imagined must be the Thresher's esophagus. He took the piece of metal he had used to scale the mandible (it had, for the duration of the jump, remained firmly gripped in his hand) and dug it into the fleshy sides of the living tunnel, trying to slow his descent and creating a long gash trailing above him that began oozing purplish blood.

With his free hand, Shepard turned on the light built into his suit.

"Liara!"

Nothing.

Shepard tugged at his makeshift knife and continued his descent.

Back on Edolus' surface, Wrex and Kaidan had joined Garrus and Ashley on the ridge.

"Shouldn't you guys be down there helping?"

Kaidan glared at Garrus through the bloodied, vomit-covered inside of his helmet. Wrex simply growled.

"Joking," Garrus said.

Ashley sighed. "Only on our team would you find the two people in the universe willing to _jump_ into a Thresher Maw's mouth."

"And lucky for me I got it all on vid," came a voice over the radio.

"Joker?" Ashley looked up to see the Normandy flying low, circling the plain where they were located.

"Commander called me in thinking you guys might need some air support. I was about to let loose til I saw him and Liara crawl down its mouth. You guys really think he's gonna get out of this one?"

The team let out a collective laugh. Ashley shook her head and said: "Please, Joker. This is _Shepard_. It's gonna take a lot more than some oversized worm to take him out."

Judging by the fact that the Thresher's movements had become much less erratic and that it's blue tongue wasn't pushing him out it's throat, Shepard guessed that Wrex and Kaidan had returned to the ridge. The thought that they might've abandoned him never even crossed his mind.

"Liara!" Still nothing.

Shepard kept moving forward. The Thresher must've leveled off since he was now crawling on his stomach instead of dropping down a vertical chute.

As Shepard kept moving, he heard a rhythmic pulsing grow louder and louder. Within a few meters he saw soft yellow lights that glowed in sync with the pounding. There must've been at least a dozen of the lights, six on each of his sides, stretching from where he was now to about ten meters in front of him.

_This thing really is an oversized worm_. Shepard took his makeshift knife and plunged it into one of the glowing lights. Sure enough, a fountain of purple blood started spilling from the wound. _Accessory hearts_. _Well, _Shepard thought to himself_, gotta have someway to keep pumping blood through a body this long._ Shepard was about to take his knife to the next heart when the Thresher convulsed and attempted to give off another scream. Though the scream was hardly audible compared to the first time Shepard had heard it, it was enough to give him a severe headache.

_If Liara was close enough to the source…_It was likely, Shepard believed, that she had blacked out. _She must've somehow damaged the vocal folds permanently, though._

Shepard kept moving forward.

"Did you hear something?" Kaidan said.

"No," Wrex said flatly.

"I think I did," Ashley responded.

"It sounded like screaming." Garrus looked over at the others.

"How about we make a bet?" Joker's voice rang in their ears again.

"Joker, we already told you we all think Shepard's alive. It's not even a bet, really."

"Yea, yea, yea. I know. This is a different bet."

"Alright, what is it?" Garrus said expectantly. He was always game to make a few creds.

"I'll bet twenty creds Shepard saves the girl _and_ takes out the Thresher."

"I'll take that bet." Everyone looked over at Kaidan. "Shepard's good, but he's not _that_ good. You guys really think he'll take down a Thresher that a whole platoon of marines couldn't?"

"Same. The only reason Shepard's still alive is because we keep pulling his ass out of the fire."

"Alright, Kaidan and Garrus. Ashley? Wrex?"

"I wouldn't underestimate the amount of damage the Commander could pull off actually _inside_ that thing. I'm with Joker."

"My creds are on Shepard," Wrex said lastly.

"Alright! So let's sit back and watch the show," Joker said merrily.

Shepard kept taking out the Thresher hearts, believing that even it couldn't survive the amount of blood loss he was incurring. As he moved forward, the anatomy around him began changing, but he not being much of a biologist, could no longer identify what was what. All he saw was flesh and blood.

The Thresher was screaming again and Shepard felt himself falling downwards – this time in the direction he had initially come from. The Thresher must've been burrowing deeper. As he scrambled to dig his knife back into the fleshy wall, he saw a familiar blue asari start falling towards him.

"Liara? Liara!" He reached out with his left hand and caught her wrist before she fell away from him. He pulled her up and held her against his chest. _Now I just have to figure out how to get out of here._

"I swear I heard that screaming again," Kaidan said. "Wrex?" Wrex nodded.

"Wait, guys. Let's say Shepard does manage to kill the Thresher. Won't he get trapped?"

"In the Thresher?"

"In the Thresher, _underground_."

"That could be problematic," Garrus said.

"I say we lure it back up."

"You just want it to be alive so you can win the bet."

"Or I could just be worried about our team's wellbeing." Kaidan looked at the others.

Ashley shrugged. Wrex stood up and pounded his fists together.

"So let's do it," Garrus said, brandishing his sniper.

Shepard felt the Thresher Maw start moving again. _It's going back to the surface?_ Shepard decided not to question his luck and kept Liara firmly against him. He heard the ground parting and the Thresher's dozens of legs clawing upwards. When he heard the ground's surface break and the familiar sound of gunfire he looked around and considered his options.

His time, however, was cut short by a familiar fluorescent blue muscle quickly approaching him from below. Shepard saw and, making a split second decision, drew his shotgun. He activated his extra shields and turned his shotgun to carnage. Holding Liara between his body and the fleshy wall, he tucked his head to her shoulder and let out the explosive red shot. The Thresher's flesh exploded outward and Shepard pulled himself and Liara through. Together they tumbled out and onto the ground that, as Shepard had crawled a sizeable distance through the Thresher's innards, was a matter of feet, instead of dozens of feet, from his makeshift exit.

"Shepard!" Ashley called out. She was hundreds of feet away but was shouting because the Thresher, its life force finally exhausted, was in the process of falling sideways – directly on top of where Shepard and Liara were now.

Shepard tried to roll out of the way but was utterly exhausted and couldn't. He closed his eyes, bracing for the worst, but instead felt the firm push of a well-controlled biotic field. He heard and felt the loud crash as the Thresher collapsed and then the sound of four pairs of legs jogging over to him.

"See? We're always pulling his ass out of the fire." Shepard rolled over onto his back and gave an exhausted laugh.

"How you feeling, Shepard?"

"I'm alright, Garrus. I'm alright."

A/N: So obviously this is the lead in to a cerberus mission. I thought I'd try and turn what was potentially a very boring mission in to one slightly less so. And it definitely ended up as one of the longer chapters I've released in a while.


	28. Chapter 28: Cerberus

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

A/N: this chapter is mostly for continuity, fluff, and an intro to UNC: Cerberus.

This Is It

When Liara opened her eyes, she was staring at the bright white ceiling of the Normandy's med bay.

"Dr. T'Soni, you're awake."

Liara sat up and looked over at the human doctor. "Yes…" She noticed that the bed beside hers was empty. "Where's Tali?"

Chakwas gave a soft laugh. "She managed to convince the Commander to bring her with him to deal with Hackett's nuclear probe."

"Nuclear probe? But we…"

"We're in the Voyager Cluster now. Shepard had Joker make the jump just after he updated Rear Admiral Kahoku."

"Commanding Officer is aboard. XO Pressly stands relieved." Liara and Chakwas looked up when they heard the familiar voice of the Normandy's VI.

"I should probably go thank the Commander."

Chakwas nodded slowly and, turning back to her desk, said: "He's probably down in the cargo bay."

Shepard stepped out of the Mako and stretched his arms.

"Seriously, Shepard, you're a magnet for all the galaxy's most mentally unstable characters," Garrus said, laying his hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"Comes with the job, right Skipper?" Ashley said, bunting Shepard playfully.

"Yea, yea. Get yourselves unpacked and to bed – we're hitting Feros tomorrow now that Tali's up again."

"And aren't you glad that I am? Face it, you would have probably all blown up if you hadn't taken me down there today." Tali walked over to her weapons locker and started unloading her guns.

Shepard's eyes surveyed the interior of the cargo bay, eventually finding Liara who had just stepped out of the elevator. He pulled away from Garrus' grip and walked over to her.

"Shepard, I wanted to thank you. You saved me…"

"How about we just call it even, then?" Shepard smiled.

Seeing Shepard smile caused all the tension to fall away from Liara's body. "Yes, Shepard."

"Hungry?" Liara nodded. "After you." As Shepard waited for Liara to turn and walk to the elevator, Garrus came up behind him.

"Something happen between you two you want to tell me about?"

Shepard turned his head. "Something you want to ask?"

Garrus looked over at his relatively vibrant yet relaxed Commander. _Not today, Shepard. But eventually. _"As long as you're sane, Shepard."

"I just might be this time, Garrus."

Twenty minutes later Shepard and his squad, and even some of the Normandy's peripheral crew, were crammed into the cockpit, watching a vid off of Joker's display.

"…and then Shepard starts waving his hands like a maniac trying to get this Thresher's attention, right? Next thing we know he's climbing on the thing's face like he was some kind of space monkey!"

"Hup, there it is, there it is!" Everyone craned their neck trying to see Shepard in the vid scale the Thresher's mandibles before jumping straight into its mouth.

"Commander, you actually _jumped_ in? That's crazy!" From the dozen or so other members of the Normandy's crew came similar exclamations of praise or murmurs of agreement.

As Joker fast-forwarded the video so the crew could see the squad take down the Thresher for good, Ashley squeezed through the crowd and came up beside Shepard who had leaned back against the cockpit's portside window. "Enjoying yourself, Skipper?"

"A decent amount." Shepard had to lean closer to Ash's ear so that she could hear him over the crew's whooping at the Thresher finally falling.

On the other side of the cockpit, Tali was trying to use Garrus to push herself up so she could see Shepard. She did, just as he leaned over to talk to Ashley. "Garrus! Garrus what do you see?"

Garrus could see Ashley grin as she and Shepard continued talking. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Is he still whispering into her ear?" Garrus heard Tali mutter something under her breath in quarian.

"I'm sure the Commander and Ms. Williams are just friends, Tali." Tali looked over at Liara who had found her way to their side of the cockpit. "As is the case with the rest of the squad."

"Right. There's no way there'd be _any_ romantic feelings between a human man and woman who kill bad guys and save each other's lives on a daily basis. Garrus?" Tali looked at the turian, expecting him to come to her defense. Instead he had been craning his neck to look over to where Joker was.

"Oh, _Keelah_. How many times have you seen that vid already Garrus?"

"It's not that. Joker just whispered something to Shepard. It looks serious." Sure enough, Shepard and Ashley left the cockpit seconds later.

"They're even leaving together!"

Garrus gave an exasperated sigh. Everyone knew he loved Tali like a sister, but her post-pirate obsession with Shepard was becoming a bit much. He grabbed her wrist and tugged her through the crowd.

"I'll get Kaidan and Wrex," Liara said, moving in a different direction.

Once they had broken free of the small mob, Garrus let go and briskly moved to the comm room where Shepard and Williams had gone.

Garrus fell silent as he entered the room.

"…I found out who set that trap for my men – the one's killed by the Thresher Maw. Damn I hope you get this message. It was a group called Cerberus."

They continued listening the transmission, only looking up when Liara came in with the others.

"…They've gone completely rogue, Shepard! They're conducting illegal genetic experiments trying to create some kind of super-soldier!"

The seven stood around the comm room and waited for the transmission to finish.

When it did, Ashley was the first to speak. "Cerberus? I've never heard of them."

"I'm guessing that's the goal," Kaidan said.

"Where were those coordinates?" Shepard looked over to Tali who brought up her omnitool.

"Binthu, in Yangtze."

"That's not far from here, Shepard," Garrus crossed his arms across his chest and looked at the Commander.

"I say we move in now, Skipper. Get some payback for taking out those marines." Kaidan nodded in agreement.

_Payback? There's that too._ In truth, Shepard was unmoved by the marines' deaths. The reason why he wanted to pursue the black-ops group was more out of curiosity than anything. A super soldier? What did that mean? And what did that have to do with Thresher Maws?

"I know I said we'd move in on Feros, but I agree. I want to know more about this group…this 'Cerberus.' Thoughts?"

"I'm also curious," Liara said plainly.

"I'm with you Shepard. I want to see what Kahoku was so afraid of."

Shepard looked at Tali. "Whatever you decide, Shepard."

"I'll go wherever there's a fight," Wrex said.

_Unanimity? That was surprisingly easy._ "Then it's decided. Joker!"

"Already moving in on the coordinates."

Shepard was strangely excited. Most of the time, the team's goals were clear enough – clean up some mercs, get out a hostage – but this time, Shepard honestly didn't know what was going to happen. His fingers tingled at the thought of going against rogue black-ops. Of course, that could also have just been the residual effect of being blasted multiple times by the Thresher's infrasound.

A/N: If my official disposition on Tali wasn't clear enough in the Pirate chapters, I'm pretty sure it's pretty obvious here. I won't just say though in case there are still incredibly hopeful Talimancers about. I'm totally open to reworking that disposition following Shepard's death and her father's though.


	29. Chapter 29: Discord

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware (so does the screen of their new video game. Have we all seen that?)

This Is It

"Is it just me, or are these compounds a little…empty?" Garrus said as he climbed back into the Mako.

"They're not putting up much of a fight," Wrex said bluntly.

"Let's just move onto the last one. Maybe there'll be something more there." Ashley holstered her rifle and was the last in, closing the hatch behind her.

"Shepard?" Garrus looked over at the Commander expectantly.

Shepard sighed. "You're right. I was expecting something more – and I still believe there _is_ more. The type of operation Kahoku described…there's no way this is it."

"What're you saying, Commander?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard guided the Mako over a nearby ridge. "I'm saying maybe Cerberus is a lot bigger an operation than we think."

"Kahoku said it was just a splinter group. Even the Council has written them off as some low-life terrorist organization."

"We of all people know the kind of threats the Council is wiling to just 'write off.'"

The conversation was interrupted when the Mako's shields started absorbing turret fire.

Shepard sighed. "Why is it always shoot first?" Shepard was still mostly curious about the splinter group, and based on the way things had ended up in the last two compounds, was becoming concerned that no one would be left to answer his questions.

The squad worked through the compound's defenses easily, climbed out of the Mako, and waited for Tali to hack the door. The squad streamed in and proceeded to dispatch the negligible number of personnel inside. Shepard had been the first one in and took down the commando standing behind the first corner. He ran out in the open and waited for one of the researchers to try and throw him with their biotics, but easily avoided the attack. Once he did he ran over to the researcher, grabbed him in a chokehold and pulled him against the wall, just barely saving him from one of Garrus' shots.

Shepard waited for the gunfire to die down before coming out of cover.

"Shepard, we're picking up an enemy contact at your location on the radar. Need any help?"

"I'm good, Garrus. And try not to shoot him when I bring him out."

"You're the boss."

Shepard dragged the scientist out and threw him against the wall at the back of the compound. Shepard stood directly in front of him, and the rest of the squad formed in a kind of half-circle around him.

"You're with Cerberus?" Shepard asked, squatting down.

"Yes."

"So you're willing to cooperate. That's good." Garrus shifted his rifle in his talons threateningly.

"Your organization left a beacon on Edolus to lure Alliance soldiers into a Thresher Maw nest. Why?" Shepard continued his line of questioning.

"Thresher Maw? I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No. If there were experiments being conducted on Thresher Maws, it wasn't because of my cell."

"Typical! Shepard let's just take this guy out. All he's going to say is that it wasn't his fault!"

Shepard ignored Ashley's angry outburst. "Your 'cell?'"

"That's right. All of Cerberus' projects are divided into separate cells. Unfortunately, I can't tell you anything about any cell other than my own."

"Commander! He could be lying!" Kaidan shouted.

"I don't think so," Shepard said. Yes, the scientist was wearing an annoyingly smug look, but only, Shepard believed, because the fear that had led to the creation of cells – of the discovery of one operative leading to the compromise of others – was paying off.

Shepard turned back to the researcher. "And what did your cell do?"

"Our cell was charged with cloning rachni soldiers that could be used as shock troops and training as well as studying Thorian Creepers."

"Creepers?"

"Like the ones in the cage behind you."

Shepard kept his eyes on the researcher though the other members of the squad looked back to see what he was talking about.

"Why study them?"

"To recreate their toxins to use as a weapon and understand their invulnerability when crouched to use as a defense."

"Shepard, you can't seriously believe everything he's saying? Why would he cooperate with us that much?"

The researcher laughed and looked up at the lieutenant. "Because I'm not ashamed. What Cerberus is doing is _right_. _Unafraid_."

Ashley spit on the scientist and swung the butt of her rifle into the left side of his face.

Shepard quickly gripped her gun in one hand and stood up. "Control yourself, Chief."

"Yes, Commander," she said, her eyes still flashing with anger.

Shepard returned to the scientist. "What's the point? Of studying them, training them, controlling them."

"Isn't it obvious? To preserve humanity. To uplift it. To ensure its survival no matter what the cost."

"Even if it means murder?" Kaidan said angrily, motioning to Kahoku's body.

"Especially if it means murder. That's something, after all, your precious Alliance just isn't willing to do, is it?"

"If your cell had nothing to do with Edolus, why is Kahoku here?"

"Your Admiral bought information on our location from the Shadow Broker. We were the ones compromised, not the cell responsible for your Thresher Maw. _We_ had to be the ones to clean up the mess – that meant taking care of _him_."

"And thanks to the same channels you used to find out Kahoku was onto you, you knew we were coming and decided to clean up shop."

"Look who's catching on."

"Shepard!" Tali called over excitedly. "There're coordinates here for another one of their bases!"

"Is it already on your omnitool?" Shepard stood up and looked at Tali.

"Yes!" Tali sent the coordinates over to Shepard's omnitool. He walked over to the terminal and swiped his omnitool over it.

"Shepard, what're you…"

"Erasing it."

"What? Shepard what the hell is going on?" Ashley looked over to where Shepard and Tali were standing.

Shepard took a breath. _Moment of truth_.

"I'm letting him go and I'm not going after the other base. And I'm making sure the Fifth Fleet doesn't either." The Cerberus scientist's eyes widened at Shepard's words.

"What? Shepard, these bastards killed a whole platoon of marines! You're just going to let them walk away!" Ashley had walked up to Shepard now, and was yelling into his face.

"It wasn't their cell. I don't hold them responsible." Shepard was fighting the urge to deliver a ridiculously contorted argument that would let him get his way while appealing to Ashley's sense of morality. Or better yet, to just shoot the scientist and be done with it. But that wouldn't feel right. It would just be him hiding all over again.

"It was still the same organization, Shepard! And even if it wasn't their cell, they still killed Kahoku!"

"I…"

"You what? What could possibly justify that?"

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut and took a moment. When he opened them again, his face was firm and his eyes unrelenting. "If they managed to pull off this research, I'd say it was worth Kahoku's life. _That's_ why I'm letting him go."

"Shepard, he's a _murderer!_" Ashley was outraged and she wasn't hiding it.

"God, Ash, stop being so damn naïve!" Shepard finally let his anger slip. "You don't think the Alliance or the Hierarchy or the Republics don't constantly make sacrifices so they can maintain their edge on each other? Cerberus is the same – only willing to go further and, quite frankly, do more. Progress comes at a price."

Ash grit her teeth in anger. "I don't believe this Shepard…"

"Believe what? That I value the many over the one? I do. I always have."

This time it was Tali who spoke up. "Value the many? Don't you mean just humanity? He said himself he only wanted to use the rachni as shock troops!"

"He also said they were clones. And these creepers…they're not even sentient. Am I so wrong for valuing the lives of humans over that?"

"You're not, Shepard. And I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice a few krogan to end the genophage." Wrex came up besides Shepard, who felt a surge of relief now that he was no longer alone.

Shepard looked over at Garrus. "I may not agree with you on Cerberus, Shepard, but it's not like I don't understand being willing to sacrifice or kill for a higher cause."

Kaidan walked over to where Ashley stood. "I'm sorry, Commander, but I can't agree with you."

"I'm not demanding that you do, Alenko. But this is my decision and you deserved to know why I made it. But let me make my orders clear: this man is not to be harmed and those coordinates are not to be forwarded to anyone not in this room. I do not tolerate insubordination."

Shepard turned to the researcher. "You can go." The scientist stood up and jogged from the room. As he did, he made a mental note to suggest Shepard as a possible Cerberus recruit.

Shepard and his squad made their way back to the Mako in awkward silence. Shepard's face was unreadable, but underneath he brimmed with inner discord. Had he just created an irreparable rift between himself and the others? Had he just torn his team apart for selfish dogmatism?

A/N: Hopefully you guys see why I had to drop psychoshep. So that's the last side mission for now, though I'll probably have some more of those time-in-between chapters before Feros. As much as I want Shep to change, I still believe in preserving some of his core values. Rest assured there's still a ways to go from here, but I wouldn't consider his siding with Cerberus backpedaling.


	30. Chapter 30: Everything

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters belong to Bioware.

A/N: Two things I'd like to address here. One, as some may have noticed, is the slower updates. This would be due to my second, and considerably more daunting, round of midterms. And also because I recently started another AU fic, Hellhound, which I'm rather enjoying writing (probably because, quite contrary to this fic, the relationship with Miranda starts really early, the tone is generally lighter, and the premise (IMO) more interesting). This leads me to point number two: yes, I removed Miranda from the pairing. This is because I plan to end This Is It (don't despair just yet) after the events of ME1 and pick up ME2 in a continuation in a separate fic (just to get that feeling of wiping the slate clean, you know?). In any case, I plan to speed up releases after mid-next week. My goal is 1-2 ch/wk for This Is It and 4+ ch/wk for Hellhound.

This Is It

As soon as the Mako had returned to the Normandy, Shepard immediately headed for his quarters. Once inside, he locked the door behind him, stripped off his armor and collapsed on his bed.

_What a fucking mess._

Now just to figure out how to clean it up. It should be easy enough for him, shouldn't it? For John Shepard, humanity's first Spectre. John Shepard, natural born leader.

_What a joke that last one is._ Why everyone continually insisted that he was some kind of great 'leader' was always beyond him. The way he saw it, he wasn't much of a leader at all. All he could do was make good decisions on the battlefield, adapt to the conditions, make his shots. That's why people gravitated toward him. Because he could get the job done.

But a real leader? _A real leader would know what to do right now_, he thought.

Resolving team discord was not Shepard's forte, and that was putting it euphemistically. In the past, problems within his teams were resolved rather simply. Either it was a matter of fighting between those under his command – in which case a threatening order from the Butcher of Torfan would put a quick end to it – or it was a matter of those under his command not trusting him – a problem which solved itself as such soldiers were prone to early deaths (which, generally, hadn't fazed Shepard in the least).

Shepard didn't have to ask himself what was different this time. By this point, it was clear to him that he needed every member of his current squad to successfully achieve his ultimate goal. It was also clear to him that, despite how their thoughts of him may have changed after Binthu, he still considered them, to some degree, his friends.

His thoughts returned to his original question. Unable to find an answer, he sighed.

_Truth is, I don't know how to fix this shit._

For the meantime, however, the least he could do is talk to them. _Probably best to start with Ash_, Shepard figured, considering that she had had, by far, the strongest reaction to his decision not to pursue Cerberus.

Five minutes later, Shepard was in the cargo bay coming up beside Ashley.

"Ash."

"Commander." Ashley looked at Shepard with a mix of disgust and disappointment.

_Maybe I should've let her sleep on it first, _Shepard mused.

"Do you need something? I have work to do."

Shepard opened his mouth, but then realized he hadn't thought of anything to say. Ashley had begun turning back to her workstation when she finally heard Shepard start talking.

"You ever heard of the Alexander Holmes trial?"

"What?" Ashley had been expecting a reprimand, an argument, or maybe even an apology. Not a history lesson. "I haven't."

Shepard crossed his arms and leaned his back against the table.

"It's an old American legal precedent from back before the Alliance was created." Ashley looked at Shepard silently. Shepard sighed; even he didn't know where he was going with this.

"It's about the crew of this ship, the _William Brown_. The ship hit an iceberg and started sinking, right? So the crew loads onto these two lifeboats, the captain in charge of one and the first mate in charge of the other. The first mate – that's Holmes – he's in charge of the bigger lifeboat that's carrying most of the crew. Anyways the two lifeboats split up, thinking that that way they'll find rescue faster."

"Where is this—"

"Just hear me out, ok?"

Ashley nodded.

"Now Holmes' boat floats around for the next day and a half, but the more time passes, the worse the storm and the waves get. It doesn't take long before the boat starts sinking because the water's getting in faster than they can bail it out. So you know what Holmes does? He starts throwing people overboard, trying to lose the weight."

"Comm-"

"He doesn't throw over women or children or even married men though. Just single men. Now what do you make of that?"

"I think there were probably other ways."

"There weren't. They dropped hundreds of pounds of weight in food. The storm was getting worse and there was no rescue in sight. They had to do something or they'd _all_ sink and freeze to death or drown."

"Then I'd say they made the right decision."

"Throwing over the single men?"

"Yes."

"Because when you have to save people, you save women and children first right?" Ashley, caught deep in thought, didn't respond. "Look, Ash, all I'm saying is that not everything is so black and white. At first, everything seems easy enough – just save as many people as you can. But when you have to choose, the truth that not everybody has the same value comes out. There's a hierarchy you see, with civilians before soldiers, and kids before adults and a million other things too. And if you can value one person over another one person, than that means you can value the group over the individual."

"You can't just assign values like that though. People aren't objects," Ashley protested.

"They aren't? Why is a kid more worth saving? Because they have more of their life to live? A cynic could say that that just means they have more time to work and more they can contribute to society's production and that we're all just weighing these things on a balance in our heads even if we insist on disguising it in sugary words or deny it altogether. And then they become objects, don't they?"

"And you believe that?"

"I believe people have a productive value, yes. I don't really know what else to say because lately I've been having my own troubles figuring out what I believe in. But look, that's not the main reason I came down here to talk to you." Shepard paused as he tried to figure out what to say next.

"Honestly, I came down here trying to fix you, this, us, everything. But I can't. People and relationships…can't be 'fixed' like tools, which to me you're not. I don't…I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here, Ash. But I know what I _can_ do. I can be honest with you. I can try and show you the truth, my truth. I can show you everything of what I am and then you can decide." Shepard turned to leave, not waiting to hear Ashley respond.

Ashley watched Shepard's figure retreat. She would later go over their conversation in her head and would weigh Shepard's words carefully over the next few days. For now, however, she was still in shock over how genuine and how open Shepard had been. It was the first time of all the times they had talked that she didn't feel as though somewhere deeper he was hiding something from her.

She watched Shepard step into the elevator and then turned and returned to her work.


End file.
